Rescued...in life and on a daily basis

Kids are OUT of control and Irvine Park

2011-11-08T22:09:00.000-08:00

My precious, beautiful, perfect children are out of control! My two year old is obsessed with his poop, hitting, pirates and coloring anything but paper. He is impulsive, destructive and...well, normal for a 2 year old boy. So my sweet supportive friends keep telling me. Presley is Trent's partner in crime and often gets Trent to do the dirty work (I am finally catching on). So we are in need of a schedule, consistent discipline, less TV, patience and love from their mother. In addition a good incentive/reward chart. I wrote many of the things she does in a day on Popsicle sticks. She starts out with all of them (projects, dress ups, Polly pockets, riding her bike, TV etc) As we complete them they go to the "I got this" she can see her progress and I can praise her for them throughout the day. If she loses them, they go to I lost this. The reminder is there for her to see. I can also be flexible with that as well, allowing her to earn it back. in addition to this I started a jar that has really special things written on popsicle sticks like a family night, watching a special movie, not having to nap and so on. I will let her pull from the jar when she has an exceptional day. I am still thinking about what Incentive I could do for Trent. The only thing he really cares about in life is his pirate hat and candy so I can only hand so much of that out and plus with childhood obesity and all....now the most important ingredient....momma must have a quiet time with Jesus and lots of prayer. I feel like I have hit my first real challenge that I will face in parenting. I feel very overwhelmed that I am going to get so behind in the discipline that it is very difficult to come back from.

Each week that passes by, though Trent's screaming and tantrums have increased, but his ability to engage and enjoy and even focus is getting better. He had a blast at Irvine park...every animal was pure excitement for him.

Being goofy next to the goat

Presley...still my observant concerned Presley...when she is not sure of something she stands back and observes and isn't really worried as much as concerned...love her.

"no, I don't want a picture" then folds arms...

Nutella and PB sandwiches...mmmm


park day isn't a park day without at least one timeout!!

This, that and a spat...

2011-11-07T09:39:00.000-08:00

For Halloween we took the kids to a "Trunk or Treat" event at our church. People decorated their cars with games out of their trunk. The sanctuary was turned into a bunch of little activities for the kids. It was low key AND I loved that. The next night we went trick or treating with our friends to about 10 houses. Trent was amazed at first that all he had to say was trick or treat and he would get candy! After the first few houses he just walked slowly behind eating his candy. Presley looked just beautiful as Mulan. She played the part beautifully. Trent was a pirate and he also played that part beautifully!

We are busy as usual. I am very happy about the time change. I have allowed Presley to stop napping and instead go to bed early. Terry and I were really losing our quiet evenings together because they were not getting to bed until 9 9:30. Without a nap she is really tired and truly ready for bed.

Soon we will take a trip up north to San Fransisco to help serve in the Tenderloin community http://www.sfcityimpact.com and we will possibly see if what God has been stirring in our hearts is a call to be up there more or permanently. We are going with two other families and our own children. We will stay in our time share but then head down for a day back into the tenderloin area to serve at one of their events. We shall see...I desire to live like our life is not our own.

We put a full bed in Presley's room. It's actually really precious because that was Terry's Nie nie's bed. She loves her big girl bed and it didn't cost us a thing! We can bless our children without having to lavish them with expensive items! not to say you can never spend money on our kids...just for us to know we don't HAVE to have money to bless our children.

Yesterday on the way to church we made memories, bad memories by having an insignificant spat on the way to church. We became THAT family. Selfish, controlling flesh reared it's ugly head as we defended our positions. If I say sorry first, then I'm his doormat, if he says sorry first than he's mine. So it continued. As I sat in worship tight lipped angry at myself I cried out in my head to the Lord. Why do you love someone like me that tramples your grace by putting myself before what's important and even best for me? I can never be used by you because of this. I'm not worthy...but my response this time was different as the enemy told me the truth of the state of my heart and the sin I committed in an attempt to keep me down. I began to see that this is how an vicious cycle of a Christians walk is kept ineffective! I got out my sword and sliced him down as I raised my hands and boldly proclaimed "o praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead" it will never be because of any greatness in me that I stand approved before God but by his atonement from the cross. I can hold my head up when I fail not because the sin I committed wasn't that bad, oh it was, but because he paid the debt I owe because of it...now onto kingdom thinking and Jesus living again!!! It ended with repentance to each other and our children and a vow to take hold of the overcoming power that we have in Christ Jesus, the Holy Spirit! I know that we can never avoid disagreeing again, but I praise God, giving Him all the glory for the help He has given us to grow away from patterns of the past and are changed to look more and more like Him.

In other insignificant things, today I hurt my foot. I can hardly walk on it. Ahh...I had so many plans today. Park, laundry put away, organization, dr.s for annual checkup. Not being able to put much pressure if any on it has thrown a wrench into the plans. I think it's just a strained something and will get better quick.

That is a few of the things that stick out in my mind of the last two weeks or so...

Pictures over the last 6 months

2011-10-27T15:30:00.000-07:00

Broke my oil bottle

Best little baby wearing, pirate in high heels ever!

oobleck (cornstarch and water) trent LOVED this. One of the things Trent and I do when Presley is at pre-school

Going through a drumming phase...

The youth going to homecoming took a picture with Trent

Trent hugging Chase's leg

Reminds me of a picture I have of Presley...I'll have to dig it up ;)

Miss Presley

Meet the teacher day of Pre-school and breakfast at Ihop

Trent's 2nd birthday

I just think he looks so handsome in this hat

My beauty

Presley's birthday cake...wow! Nana really got a special cake

Presley in the bounce house on her birthday

Leave Trent unattended for more than 5 seconds and this is what you may get....found him with a straw getting ready to drink out of the (unflushed) toilet

Trent got into the paint....

Yes....that's your tummy

I just happened to have my camera, one of the many places he gets himself stuck! Curiosity gets the toddler stuck...

Why play with the train set when I can sit in it???


Mom, you think this is crazy...wait until 6 months from now when you find me on top of my (bolted) dresser, touching the ceiling while I am supposed to be sleeping.....

Presley in ballet...

Terry went electric...traded in the gas guzzling charger for a volt

A few pictures

2011-10-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

A few pictures from the last few days

We baked bran muffins and brought them to a rehabilitation home for the elderly on the street. Presley was super shy but Trent said in his monotone voice "hello".

We watch a couple scenes of this with Presley and she was fascinated! It doesn't surprise me actually, she likes cooking shows. She really loves to see Jesus depicted on screen. I keep telling her that he is just an actor....

Presley has eczema and we have notice that gluten aggravates it. So we look for low gluten ways to cook food. Both kids had these and they loved them both!

Hard to tell here...but the face is the precursor to all out tantrum with screaming. John Rosemond (LOVE this parenting author) says that tantrums and hitting at two are normal...whew!! thank-God for that.

what I see all the time...the back of Trent holding something and running away from me...

In our kitchen I have a couple star charts for caught being good...they love getting their stars!

My parents watched the kids on saturday night so we could go to a church service....this is how it usually ends. My dad passed out on the couch and my mom reading to them. They love my parents, and my parents love them.

Plane watching after bible study on Friday....Trent LOVED it. Presley...ehh...she just loves family time.

To the Ends of the Earth

2011-10-17T07:44:00.000-07:00

16 years old and born again. March 29th 1995 marks the day where I was finally experiencing peace in my heart that I had longed my entire life. For the first time I was at peace because I knew that no matter what came at me in life, what people may say of me, what or who I lose, I will always be OK because the God who created the entire universe and always was with no beginning and who knows ALL things...loves me. Not just loves me, but wants me, is willing to transform me. Transform the darkest, ugliest parts of me that I have spent a lifetime covering up and justifying to myself to anyone who caught on. This God was enough to give it all up for. While I was being transformed He could even use me to transform others through the power of His very Presence called the HOLY SPIRIT. I would be a History Maker for Christ...I would be a history maker for Christ. I felt like the girl in the picture as I boarded a plane for a mission trip to India.

TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH I would go.

So my transformation began. I battled my addictions. I tried to honor God with my life. I dealt with my baggage and I grew...and I began to get blessed...like REALLY blessed.

I excelled at work. I got married. I had kids. Bought a house. And somehow I began to fear that I would lose those blessings...I began to worship the blessing (ahem...that's called idolatry) rather than God.

After my kids were getting a bit older, and the dust started to settle after the chaotic time of having babies was coming to an end....I knew I was missing something. Where was the "History Maker" from long ago? Where was the brave, bold, strong warrior girl of God?

She... was too busy crying over the fear of losing her children. Too busy being angry or frustrated with not getting her needs met in a marriage. Too distracted by the typical media/electronic distractions of our day to spend time with God...for reals...not just for checking off something on my list. Too busy coveting an up to date kitchen. The list goes on, but over all just too darn busy thinking about me.

December of 2010 marks the time in my life where I was having an all out crisis of Faith. I really doubted God's existence altogether. Praise God that I knew enough to realize it was spiritual attack, that I was going to have to "wrestle with God" over this. That I was about to have an encounter close to what I experienced back when I was 16.

Then HE SHOWED ME THIS...

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28-30

AND THEN THIS....

So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth. 17‘Because you say, “I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,” and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, 18I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see. 19‘Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent. 20‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. 21‘He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 22‘He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.’”

How in the world could I be lukewarm?

luke·warm (lkwôrm)
adj.
1. Mildly warm; tepid.
2. Lacking conviction or enthusiasm; indifferent:

... NOT ON FIRE, SOLD OUT, INDIFFERENT, NOT CONCERNED.

Even though I spent time in the word nearly everyday, never missed church, and overall tried to honor God in my life I was not feeling like I had an abundant life at all...in fact I was heading for an all out crisis of faith. To make matters more complicated after revisiting the gospels...How much does my life look like HIS?

To make myself okay with God I changed what the bible describes lukewarmness to accommodate where I was at. Because of my "accomplishment" of basic morality, reading the bible, seeking God, I felt covered that surely I was not lukewarm...but I believe I was.

I was lukewarm because being crazy for God (HOT on fire) could require pain, sacrifice (I mean REAL sacrifice...like give up your house sacrifice) discomfort, loss...loss. Loss. I was really afraid of losing all the blessing God had blessed me with. Husband, children and so on. I was lukewarm because Lukewarm is the safest place to be...ouch.

And you know what??? I know I am not alone.

I serve an almighty, faithful, loving, committed GOD. He was faithful to woo me back, then patient as He began to show me something was wrong, and steady after I realized I was lukewarm and stumbled through what it meant to be on fire.

So WHERE do we begin...ask God to revel where you are lukewarm. Measure your life against scripture. Measure it against Christ and the early church. One way I felt I was very lukewarm is I was not too concerned about the worlds pain (ENOUGH to do anything about it).

Then get in the word. Study whole books at a time not just a few scriptures out of a devotional book. Study it like your life depends on it. Study it like you will have a final on what that particular book was saying and how it fits into the whole bible and God's plan for us. Then get on your knees and pray like we mean it for HEART CHANGE!!! He is the only one who can change us to be ON FIRE, SOLD OUT, CONCERNED AND COMMITTED.

Once again I feel like the girl in the picture...TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH. All glory to Jesus.

Everyday can't be perfect

2011-10-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those crazy days...Terry usually takes Presley to pre-school so that he can take her on a date to breakfast. But today I took her because he had to work early. Then I came home to drop Trent off with Danielle (a sweet girl from our youth who we love so much!) so that I could go to the dentist. After that, I rushed to pick Presley up and then everything went from hurried to crazy to frustrating to we-may-as-well-go-to-bed because it is not going to get any better. Greeeeat attitude right?? Trent fought his nap like his life depended on staying awake and since he has conqured climbing his tall dresser (it's bolted to the wall) he needed something else to do. He decided that taking off his diaper FIRST as to not soil the fresh diaper, then drop a load in his bed and then walk all over it, smear himself with it and then the spindles of the crib and then the wall...when I came in he was looking at me like "what? I am still in my crib...what's you're problem?"

I was smart enough...no, by the Grace of Almighty God I decided to not discipline him at all at that moment, rather just plop him in the bath tub...then when he was not in earshot begin to say how I really felt to the walls. And you know what happened next? Terry, like the night and shining armor he is, walked in the door and then in true hero fashion saved the day (and money that would have been spent for my psyh hospital bills) and took over...as I cleaned up the aftermath.

It was already 315 at this point, so there was no use in him taking a nap.

It is now 730 and Trent ofcourse went to sleep fairly easily and we are now watching Mulan. Presley is curled up in her Daddy's lap and they are having a conversation on how to pronounce Mulan in Chinese.

And that was my day :)

Memorable conversation with Presley "one day when I get to heaven I want to be wearing a dress, with pearls and I also want a cricket..mommy I want to be mulan" Then I say you want to be Mulan in Heaven? And she says no silly, for Halloween.

So happy that we were able to snap these pictures in the morning!

Smile pretty for the camera (apparently I said don't look at the camera though)

Quick! Make a silly face

Committed to the now

2011-10-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

Deciding to blog again was a thought that truly came out of nowhere. Lately I have been feeling frustrated and a bit panicked about the pace of my life. Sunday-church, Monday-breathe from the weekend (and clean from the weekend), Tuesday-parenting class and Presley in pre-school...rush rush, Wednesday-more cleaning and youth in the evening at church, Thursday- Presley in pre-school, Friday-bible study and then BAM weekend marathon is here!!

And just like that one year is over...it's gone. And I guess the feelings come from knowing that 1) our children grow up and change and grow away 2) we all die at some point.

It can be rather disappointing!BUT most of all, something for my children to read, Presley to look at if she chooses motherhood or even to know a bit more about her mother and how much I loved them both with all me heart...the legacy of walking with God on a daily basis, needing Him for the hair pulling moments where you can choose joy and laughter over exasperation and anger. Journaling our life, my life a a Jesus follower in a uncertain road where trusting in Him is the only way.

So I had an idea! One of the reasons I feel so panicked is because I am horrible about writing thank-you notes, making scrap books, and anything that requires TIME...because I don't have any extra of that. But I do enjoy being on the computer...so voila! The idea to blog where I could upload pictures, type and not write and allow it for family and anyone who cares to see it was born.

Sweet (rare) Trent kisses right after he woke up and was groggy...

Presley's first day of pre-school!

Trent caught red handed with my mascara....everywhere but his eyes!

Trent's first number two in the toilet! Since then...his ONLY number two in the toilet...

Making her oat flour so that I can make her low gluten pancakes

Awwww....sibling love!

Arts and crafts

This is Trent's big thing right now...steal a bag of snacks and dump it all out

More evidence of snack stealing and vandalism

Cleaning up his loot

All clean!!!

So today....we started the day with making oat flour so that I could make pancakes for Presley. Oatmeal is very low in gluten so I grind it up, sift it and use it to make pancakes and other things with flour. Our day went pretty normal, we got out for just a bit to take Danielle to work and then to my moms to pick up gluten free flour and some old pictures for India that I am going to scan and post on facebook. We are really loving netflix. I hated the commercials that came with sprout and nick Jr. AND the agenda that was subtly oozing into my kids brain- "buy me because everyone else has this" "buy me because you need me and won't be happy until you get me" and not to mention the new grown-up Dora that goes to a Shakira concert...so now we are really into veggie tales, pingu, dino dan (dvr'd) go diego go (dvr'd) and a couple of other things on net flix. Came home and napped and then the craziness of Wednesday's with youth began. Dinner, dishes, bath and out the door.

THIS is why I am blogging...because all I really remember about Wednesday were the angry frustrated words as we were trying to get ready and no one was listening to momma-now I have proof that it wasn't all bad!

Some things I am working on and praying for are 1) God given patience...I need to teach more with patience and grace instead of control and bark orders 2) expose them to more activities...I think Trent especially is bored 3) pray more!!!

So much change in one year

2011-10-11T13:33:00.000-07:00

The title sums up the way that I feel about this last year....specifically with the kids, Presley is now 4 and Trent 2. Presley has just started pre-school and goes on tuesdays and thursdays from 8:30 to 12. Terry takes her to breakfast for a "date" and then I pick her up at noon. While she is at school I focus on time with Trent and honestly I find myself just taking a deep breath....the pace of life is way to fast for my taste.

Trent is a very curious boy, full of emotion! He is over the top funny, but when he does not get his way he will scream at the top of his lungs and throw a huge fit. I really don't get it...I don't give him what he wants when he does this, I am praying that if I remain consistent he will grow out of this. I enjoy the times he cuddles close to me, tells me he loves me and is content because in this season, we don't see much of that. However, it gets better and better every month.

Presley is adorable. She is strong, knows what she wants, wishes she could get everyone to go along with what she wants. She loves strong and hard with commitment and loyalty...like her daddy. I see the man I married in her every day and I love that.

I often feel so inadequate in mothering these precious kids. Daily missing the mark. I could do much better.

I really want to start blogging again...for the same reason I began in may of 2007...not to become a blog anyone reads actually-but to simply journal my life. Journal what it's like to be Kathleen Lu...Daughter of Jessie and Sid, wife to Terry, mother to Presley and Trent and how I am making my mark here for my creator (and how I'm not).

TOO long since my last post

2010-08-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

What a bummer...when I don't post it means that I haven't journaled much for my kiddos. Trent is now 13 months, Presley is 3. Trent began walking around 11 months and hasn't stopped moving since. He is so much fun and full of energy! He climbs everything that he can and puts everything in his mouth. Our home is quite different now as we can't have much on the ground! He says Momma very well, ball Nana. He loves this sister bunches. He sleeps from 8 until about 7:30 in the morning with one or two naps. He still nurses two times a day. Presley is wonderful. She is almost potty trained (I let her lead). Still doesn't really want to poop much int he toilet which has led to some issues...but it will be fine :) Nothing a little miralax can't help. She is full of curiosity and language to ask all the questions. She adores her little brother and is very loving. She is an amazingly bright, sweet, determined, bossy yet loving little girl! I love being home...took a while to settle in this role....but WOW! I love my life. Terry and I are plugging along at married life. Some days are wedded bliss and others are challenging as we parent together and share our life together...BUT wouldn't change that for the world, each day we grow together.

Where we are!

2010-04-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

A very awesome place at the moment! I am just thanking God for His work in our family. Trent is now 9 months, Presley is nearly 3. We spend most our days at home playing, doing arts and crafts, Dora the Explorer, walks around our neighborhood, playdates at the park and the occasional trip to D-land. I just got back from an awesome women's retreat where I had the privilege of leading worship for our women at Heritage. Trent is sleeping wonderfully, crawling everywhere, pulling himself up and putting everything into his mouth. He is a busy little guy with a never ending curiosity. He has done some super funny things life smack a wall after he bumped into it! He is particular, but so loving and cuddly. Presley is smart as a whip! Sometimes to much for her own good. She love Dora the Explorer and Mulan because they "have hair like her". She love to "mother" her little brother. She loves the swings at the park and the sandbox...not so much for the slide and other things. She loves to lead...to be in charge. Both my children are precious gifts from the Lord and he has a plan for them! Terry and I are like every other parent...stumbling through parenting clinging to the Lord for his guidance. God is faithful though! He will cause ALL things to work together for Good.

2010-01-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

Today I was checking in on one of the blogs I follow. "Kelly" who I don't know, just follow, had a baby one year ago. The baby girl, Harper, had a really tough time in the beginning and nearly died. On her blog, she has a video up highlighting the early days and the miracle that God did in healing her. I cried when she cried, as I am sure everyone else who watched the video did, when her baby girl opened her eyes for the first time at 10 days old. I can place myself in her shoes and imagine the pain I would feel if I were in hers and the joy that everything is ok now.

But here's the thing...though I can sift through my own babies photos, videos and mementos and feel so much emotion and joy over their existence, after their births I was anything but joyous. Post Partum Depression robbed me of the joy that most mothers feel with their precious new babies. With Presley I was fine for the first week or so but once the sadness set in, it took a good 2 to 3 months where I felt myself. With Trent however due to the circumstance I will share below, it lasted much longer.

With Trent, I was incredibly ill prepared because I thought I was well equipped. This was my second baby. I really didn't pay much attention when those who had gone before me warned "remember, no two babies are alike!" Sure, both had some issues (what baby doesn't though??!!)like acid reflux and sleep stuff. Presley turned blue her first night home and couldn't breathe the first night home and I freaked. I remember feeling deep down inside that "this" was too big for me. I was unworthy, incapable of rising to the the challenge of motherhood. My God, what if she died and I lost her??? I think I simply shut down emotionally as to protect myself in the event she did. With Trent...he screamed. My Lord, he screamed. He was hurting. I knew it, my mothers intuition knew it. He seemed overwhelmed by this world, the sounds, the smells, the touch. He NEEDED to be swaddled, tightly not be loose and free. He wanted to SUCK. I was simply sleep deprived (2 hours broken up each night with no time to nap because I have a toddler) and overwhelmed. What had I done? I took our perfect world of the three of us and added a fourth who had turned our world upside down. Presley didn't seem to want me anymore. I had no time for rocking and singing, reading books, playing. She was pushed aside so I could deal with her little brother. For the first 6 weeks of Trent's life he slept in a swing or on me. I felt trapped. I felt like the endless screaming at night would not end. This baby who was anything but unpredictable would never become what I wanted: predictable so I could have my life back where I can control, organize and have a plan. It took about 4 weeks to start figuring him out (THANK YOU HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK). He liked to be bounced, not rocked. He liked it when I made a loud SHHHHHH in his ear, not singing. On another note, the life as I new it, the one where I made out work schedules, spreadsheets and ran groups of children was over. No accolades, no recognition and no CONTROL (God even prepared me for this when our pastor's wife gave me a word from the Lord back in April 09). Iknew our bond would strengthen, I knew he would grow and his feedings would space out more than 2 hours around the clock(if that!)But I felt like I wasn't going to make it without going truly insane before then. But unlike with Presley, after I started adjusting fairly well, I was still so sad. I know that it may be hard for people to fathom how this is possible. How could a women, who worked with children even, who longed to have children could feel this way. How could she feel this way when there are others who would give their left arm to hold their lost babies. How can she be so ungrateful?? But the truth is Post Partum Depression is real. And it is happening to more women that we want to admit. The crazy hormones that are out of control wreak havoc on a women after birth. The more we talk about it, the more aware we are of it, the more we can help a women who is going through this so that it doesn't last as long and she gets the help she needs.

Long after Trent had started sleeping better at night on his own, after naps were getting predicable and I was getting rest I was still sad. I was missing the Joy in my heart. I had no excitement for life. As a result I was ungrateful, becoming resentful and bitter at everyone and anything. Something else was going on.
One day breakthrough began. I was listening to a sermon by the creator of Veggie Tales. His story goes like this: God fulfilled the dream he had in making Veggie Tales a huge success. He lost it all and found himself in a depressed state. He talks of how he went to a church service where the pastor said how often do we say "lord as the deer pants for the water so my soul longs for.....ministry, a husband, kids, a house, money and so on". And it hit me...I wasn't longing for God. Part of the reason the pit I was in was because I had been looking to other things and people besides the Lord to make me happy. I didn't notice it too much before because I wasn't pushed to the brink. So that day, I repented for looking to my kids and husband to full fill the deepest longing in my sould that no one can fill but Jesus. God literally reached down and pulled me out of a pit. There is NO ONE that could have rescued me. What a faithful, loving and powerful God we serve! Glory to God for the trials that we encounter because we become more like him, and we can minister to others!
I would now say that I am 99% back to myself, getting better and better each day. To get out of the depression I did some very piratical things. Ate better, got outside, opened the windows, turned lights on in the house, talked to people, took vitamins, danced with the kids, slow breathing but over everything... I threw myself at Jesus' feet. I read his word, I spent time with him, I listened to music about him, praising him and relied on him. AND YOU KNOW WHAT??? I have not been this close to the Lord in a loooong time. There were some dark days where all I could do was cry because my heart was so full of worry and dread (you have an idea it's depression when you can't think of ANY reason you feel that way, but you just do) and on those days I feel God gave me scriptures that just "popped in my head" that were so right on that ministered to my soul.
I often say that both my kids brought to my knees again, before the Lord. And I say that with absolute gratitude to both of them that they did!
So Trent is now 6 1/2 months old...and he is my BOY! A bond different, yet equally precious as with Presley. I love him so much with all my heart. And after all this...he takes two very predicatble naps, and sleeps around 9 to 11 hours straight at night. He is soooo happy. Presley and Trent adore each other, infact we all pretty much adore eachother in our household. But...the hard days are around the corner where teething will upset sleep schedules. Where seperation anxiety will upset the household and all the other challenges and trials we have ahead. But God will be faithful then as he has always been.When I look into the eyes of my kids I feel that I literally am living in God's absolute blessing. I feel overwhelmed by God's goodness. But I am also reminded daily that God is faithful. That God can break the bondages, that he can heal what the world tries to heal but can not. That he is utterly amazing.

Glory be to God!

Random...

2010-01-04T11:33:00.001-08:00

I want to blog more because I love looking back at Presley's blog. It brings back all of these great memories. I love that it's a journal, and since I am not so great at writing in a journal, this is perfect!
Trent is 6 months today! In some respects, the time has crawled and in other ways the time has flown. The first few months were pretty tough. I remember blogging when I was pregnant that I didn't think I would get hit with Post Partum Depression with this Pregnancy because I knew how to prepare myself. I was wrong. Unfortunately Trent just simply had a tough start. He does spit up alot and projectile vomit (and still does a lot!), that could have been the problem, but he just seemed not ready to be here. I had issues with my milk supply in the same way I did with Presley in having too much supply. I know that it is a good problem to have to much, but when you have too much you are at risk for having too much fore milk and not enough hind milk. The hind milk is rich and fatty, easy on the stomach and takes longer to digest. But I think that the PPD that set in, in the second week after a really tough week of maybe 7 hours total in the whole week, is what made dealing with the adjustment of our new baby tough. I am doing really well today! However, talking about it with people, getting help when people offer, making practical changes and trying to LIVE at the feet of Jesus is what I tried to do to get out of it. I still have some hard moments, but I am getting through it. I strongly desire to help other women who struggle like I did (and do!) I never had to go on medication, I was afraid that if I started I would never get off. Also, in my family and my own personal history of being a pill popper with advil, benadryl etc. , medication leads to addiction a lot of times. The bottom line was that in the darkest moments when I could COMPLETELY identify with David in the Psalms when he felt so alone and cried out for God, God sustained me. I feel like he reached down and in his grace and mercy pulled me out of a deep dark pit that I just couldn't do myself. He has been so faithful to me, so loving.
So today, On January 5th 2010...Presley is 2 1/2, Trent is 6 months, I am home with my kiddos and really adjusting into our new life. I realized over the weekend after spending some time with a friend who is a teacher that I just went through a HUGE change. Quitting my job for good, and staying home is big. I used to be able to control so much...but when I try to control my kids schedule for example, I fail. It doesn't go the way I want it to!!! God is teaching me a huge lesson on control...I think at heart I am just a stubborn spoiled brat and need to grow up!!
I didn't realize what a people person I was!!! WOW...I totally am, just didn't know it before because I was always around people. Being home every day and not seeing much of the outside world is strange and even hard sometimes. But it will also change when Trent is a bit older.
That is all for now...

December Updates

2009-12-03T15:36:00.000-08:00

Things are going really well at the Lu household. Things are also going well with me. We have gotten into a really good routine. Trent is sleeping really well, allowing me to get the much needed rest. Presley is a wonderful big sister and is getting bigger and bigger every day! She is learning why you need to share and why it is important to be caring and loving. Her language is great (something I was prepared not to be, being that Grandma J has a Scottish accent, Grandma E has a Chinese accent and speaks Chinese in the home, Aunt S has a Japanese accent and the rest of us speak English). She blows me away with adorable sentences like when she lost her shoe in the store and was quite upset that her socks would be mad! Or when she has figured out that she can love both mommy and daddy at the same time "I love mommy, I love daddy!!" as if she has come to some great realization. I am very pleased that while Christmas presents itself mostly in lit houses and trees and a Jolly old overweight man dressed in red and white and rides a "Moose" that she knows it's about Jesus. Trent is a happy 5 month old little man who ADORES his older sister. He loves to laugh and is very interested in everything. He sleeps anywhere from 7 to 11 hours without a feeding at night and eats every three or so hours a day. He has one tray of solids at night. Still nursing. He is off his reflux (still a big spitter though). He wants to explore everything with his mouth. Everything! He is my little man and I already see how the bond is so different between me and my two children. Both so incredibly precious and special but so different. I thank God for the uniqueness.

I am especially excited for this Christmas. It is my most favorite holiday. When I was a kid, though I was not raised in a home that centered around Jesus, Christmas was always about him and I loved it. I really believe that God reached out to me through Christmas, teaching me about how he came to us, to save us. So important I named my daughter (middle name) Noelle. So the tree was up and the house decorated the week of thanksgiving. Oh and I added the picture of the entertainment center I turned into a "hutch". I had to drill holes to lower the shelf and rip off the back. I loooove it much better than before. It had a non working TV and appliances all over the place.

So we are just enjoying our days right now. So much to be thankful for.

FEAR

2009-11-16T09:57:00.001-08:00

Here it is again...a heart stopping fear that something will happen to my precious little baby.
This is NOT the way that Christ intends for us to live...in bondage to the concerns of living on earth.
I do know that in the event of something devastating, that He will be there to hold me, to sustain me, never leaving me. Joy would be restored, life would go on, beauty would come from the ashes...
It is very true that the ONE thing I NEED to survive while I live, I will never lose. That He will never leave us, that He causes all things to work together for good, that he give gladness for mourning...the promise is NOT that nothing bad will happen.
I am ashamed to admit-this Christ Follower is NOT believing the words of her Savior, So today, I place all that at His feet...and trust all that He says He is.

Update on kiddos

2009-10-22T12:50:00.000-07:00

Presley will be 2 1/2 on November 21st. Wow...our little precious baby girl is certainly growing up. She is awesome. She is FULL of personality. She loves music, princess stuff, dresses, make-up...but she also loves to get dirty. She is a messy eater. She likes to do crafts at the table. Sometimes if I have left a cooking show on, I will walk in the living room, and catch her with her feet propped up, lounging on her kid chair watching the show! She does know what she wants and while Terry and I can usually easily wrangle her in, she definitely would happily be the boss in this house if we let her. She is getting better at playing with other kids, sharing her toys and the give and take. She sometimes struggles when other kids don't want to play what she wants, hug her, or hold her hand because she is such a cuddle bug. It's a good lesson to learn that you can't control others! But I love watching her grown inside and out. I am so proud of her!

Trent is 4 months on November 4th. Another WOW. I don't really want to relive how difficult things were from week 2 to 5, but lets just say...that time brought me to bloody knees before Jesus, and as hard as it was, I am thankful for the growth it did in me. Trent is THRIVING! 17.9 pounds, he is in the 96%. He is breastfed, all for one ounce of formula at night before I nurse, so he can take a bottle (which...doesn't really work because he will only take it from me!!). He is a greaaaat sleeper in the sense that I can almost always put him down awake but drowsy and he will put himself to sleep. He wakes up at night around 5-7 hours later to eat but stirs a lot throughout the nigt. Same with daytime. Could still be the reflux or just him. He is a HAPPY baby. This is why I can't wait to put him in his own room (he will share the office with Terry). Only cries when tired, bored or hungry. He is my little cuddle bug too! He smiles all the time. I started him on rice cereal (per doctor) a week and a half before the 4 month mark. The Doctor hopes it will help with the spit up issue...but I think it will help with his hunger issue (he is huge remember??) I was eating a sandwich today and he started crying with big huge tears...I swear it was because he wanted my sandwich!

Terry and I are adjusting well to having two. I don't always appreciate how hard he works, because I am so caught up in how hard I am working with the two kids. I know this is not the best thing...so I am praying and working on that! Also, I feel that for myself, a daily devotional and time praying is really important. I see myself frustrated more that I would like, and when I start the day off praying...it's almost always a million times better.

One thing that I am seeing is that it's not so much that I have to carve out time for me, as much as I have to rely on the Lord for my joy. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love being home...but without Jesus, for me, it's not enough. What I mean by this is that Terry and I won't always get along, the kids will have their days, but Jesus will never fail. This is what I want to impart to my kids...people are people and they will fail them, including me, but when we put our trust in someone that is consistent, perfect and loves us...that is a sure bet.

Anyway...that is the latest update for the Lu's :)

My name is Trent

2009-08-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

My name is Trenton but my parents call me Trent. In the beginning I fooled my Mommy and Daddy...I slept all the time. When I was 9 days old I woke up to the world and my tummy started hurting me. I would throw up all the time. My silly mommy didn't know she had enough milk to feed all of southern California and was giving me half of it, so the throwing up got better when she found that out and started feeding me on one booby at a time and only for a few minutes. I have to take really gross medicine so my throat doesn't burn. I used to cry all the time. I would be up all night long screaming. I don't think I knew what I needed. I would grunt and cry all night. My mom starting sleeping with me over her shoulder in the recliner all night long and that helped. During the day time I would cry most of the day and could only sleep rocking in a swing. I love being swaddle still, but am almost getting too big for it. Well around 4 weeks old things got a bit better...5 even better. I still kinda hate the carseat and car rides, I like my bath now. I am going to be 8 weeks on Saturday and I just started sleeping in my bassinet with little difficulty at night. I still struggle during the day though, and throw up alot still too. I really do love being held but for some reason my mommy and daddy keep trying to put me down...something about not getting used to only being held to sleep.

I am really big...I weigh over 12 pounds. My sister can't get enough of me. She kisses me, wipes the spit up off my face, pats my back and worries about me. Sometimes she hugs me too hard. Every time I hear her playing I wake up if I am sleeping.

I eat every 2 hours during the day and at night every 2 to 3. A few times I have gone more than three times but not if I can help it! My mom keeps talking about around 3 months she will start stretching me out...whatever that means...and she said she's not afraid to let me cry it out a bit. Uh Oh...

My Dad and Mom love me a lot...especially when I smile at them. I have lots of people who love me, most of all Jesus. He has helped our family so much in this precious but difficult time for all of us!

One month in two days

2009-07-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

My last blog post was 4 weeks ago. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Trent was born on July 4 and 5:12 in the morning. The coolest thing about his birthday is that he shares it with our Pastor, who has been a second father to me. Of course, fourth of July is cool too.

WOW. Well??? I completely underestimated how hard it is with TWO. Trent in the first 8 days was ANGEL BABY. Slept all the time. I remember our neighbor jokingly saying to me, careful they fool you for the first two weeks (she has three). First of all after labor I was great until I couldn't stop bleeding. That threw me a bit, never been so weak in my life. When we got home I got a UTI which was frustrating. But the hardest part has been, once my milk came in and got established around the 8the day or so...Trent took a turn for the COLICKY behavior of sorts. After three times to the doctor, and visits to lactation nurses...we have found ourselves at the exact same place with our daughter. A reflux baby with a mommy that has an overactive letdown and WAY TOO MUCH MILK (a good delima I know) equals super gassy baby with reflux. Thank-God we got this under somewhat control sometime this past week because we knew what we were dealing with. Now I only feed from one side at every feeding and Trent is on a high dose of zantac. He now goes in a swing, the bouncy seat and is muh more comfortable. Thank the Lord for all who were praying.

One thing I did not expect was to be so blue again. I thought that me being a second time mom, I would not be so overwhelmed like I was with the first, that I wouldn't have the emotional hormonal upset I had like I did with Presley. But I did, and I am. BUT that is more that ok. God is once again painfully teaching me that HE IS MY ROCK. I believe he lead me to this scripture this morning:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

When the Devil is at our "door step" waiting for the moment to pounce on us...as Christians we must remember our promise from God. These exact words are what I needed to hear and God knew it. I have grown more closer to my husband in appreciation and gratitude than ever before. My mother and I have had healing in our relationship as well. So much good has come out of it already. I know that just like with Presley, the blues and the difficult stage of newborn baby will pass. In a few weeks, I will be looking back at this time that is one of the hardest in my life with a bigger sense of who God is. I have so much to praise God for on top of just the fact that he IS. And I do.

Thank-you Lord for your unfailing love. Your faithfulness I cling to. I can not live without you as the most important thing in my life. We are so low, so helpless but you are so gracious, merciful and kind. Thank-you for protecting us from the devourer.

Due in Three Days

2009-07-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

So this is what it's like, the countdown of waiting for a new baby. It's way different than Presley. I don't remember anything other than a strong desire to hold Presley, never a desire for the discomfort to be over. Probably becuase there wasn't any. I never had contractions that would lead to anything, no bloody show, no mucus plug, no cramping. On the Saturday one day after my due date I felt tired. The next early morning my water broke and then they induced me and I had a hellish labor (in my opinion...and that's the only one that counts, right??!!).

So this discomfort and frustation with still being pregnant...is new. Walking around at 3cm dialated and 75% effaced, with hands that can't make a fist not just due to swelling, but actual pain with carpal tunel is new. With feet that have plantar fascitis, and a many other plethera of pregnancy symptoms I won't bore even myself with. I keep having regular contractions for a couple hours, just to turn into light cramping and more bloody show. All the while caring for my adorable toddler (who just came out crying to show me her new pajamas with her artwork with a ball point pen all over the front). Where the heck did she get that pen from???!!!

If we are just talking pregnancies, I feel with this baby I have joined the ranks of all the other women who at this point just want the baby out (ofcourse still scared of labor though). I didn't understand with the first, but now I do. So if you are by chance reading this and my first perfect pregnancy made you feel less then for hating yours...I am so sorry. But take comfort in knowing that...I am now experiencing the cliche saying "paybacks are a _____".

So sarcasm aside...I can't wait to meet this little guy. I can't wait to see if Presley is enamored with Trent, or asks me to put him back in my belly. I can't wait to hold Presley from the front again an give her huge hugs. I can't wait to see Trent held by his amazing Daddy. I can't wait to see what our family picture looks like with four. I can't wait for the next chapter that God has for us.

All in all....it is DEFINITLEY worth the weight.

Patience...

2009-06-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

I am patiently waiting for our new baby to come. I am feeling so blessed. Blessed by the Lord that He would give me Terry as a husband and Presley as a daughter and a new baby to join our family!

According to our last appointment...not even close. But we moms all know that doesn't really mean anything. I walked around dialated, completely effacted, station blah blah blah...for how long with Presley???!! So I will continue to prepare, rest and spend time with Presley...on another note, I LOVE BEING HOME!!! I love my job being taking care of home and Presley.

Lastly, a few pregnancy things...I am pleased with the weight gain. I gained 65 with Presley and lost only 30 or so in between. I started very heavy with this baby and I think I will come out under 25. I am SO excited to be able to walk without severe pain in my feet and constant contractions!!! But I will take the weight loss slow...the last thing I need is to lose milk supply or aggravate my hip flexor injury from long ago. I have to remember that I am WAY out of shape and it will be a long road back to the healthy Kathleen of 3 years ago.

I attached a picture Terry snapped yesterday of Presley and I in matching Green Bay hats that Terry got us, and Presley "loving" the baby.

Due in 2 and half weeks...we'll see(by the way, most annoying pregnancy symptoms right now....super swollen hands. In the morning, if I make a fist, some of my fingers have to be "popped" back in to place!)

Happy Birthday Presley

2009-05-21T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today you turned two. You woke up, talking in your crib to your babies that sleep with you. You didn't cry for us to come get you, you woke up like a toddler and not a baby. You asked me to pick you up,only for you to ask me to put you back down on the outside of the crib, so that you could run and play, not to be held and kissed by me. You then said you did not want a bagel, but cereal with milk. You climbed up into your chair and waited. You are no longer the little baby that I held in my arms. You are your own person with your own desires and ideas. You want me close so that if you need me I am there, but not so close so that you can explore your world. When I came home today, you didn't run to hug me, you stopped to talk to me, telling me what you did. When Daddy was putting your car together for you, all you wanted to do was help...you were so frustrated when Daddy asked you to sit on the carpet so he could finish, you were sure that you knew how to do it yourself. At night, though, you still cuddle with me in Mommy and Daddy's bed. You lay your head on my cheek and we watch bizarre toddler shows like Yo Gabba Gabba. I tried to rock you...but my belly was too big with your baby brother in it. You were frustrated, and so was I. I just wanted to rock you too sleep, and you wanted me to rock you as well. I read you The Bear Snores On...I loved it because with Mommy working with kids during the day...you often haven't seen the animated kid side of me that can really engage you when I read. You stared at me with your mouth open as if you were saying "you have been able to read a story like that this whole time??!!" I was excited for the time we will have together when I am home. You asked me to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, rub your back, get your babies and pray. You say that Jesus lives in your heart, and when I ask you how old you are, you say two. You adore your Daddy...just like I hoped you would...and you're Daddy, well, adore doesn't come close to how he feels for you. You are more of a blessing than I ever imagined. You fill my heart with a joy that I never new before having you. God planned for me to be your Mommy, and He planned for you to be my daughter. His ways are perfect, He ALWAYS knows what he is doing, we stay close to Him, because we are like little silly sheep, and He is our good patient, caring, loving Shepard. He made you for a purpose, he designed you in a specific way so that He would be glorified, because when He is glorified it is ALWAYS a good thing for us. I know that I am not perfect, and I will fail you many times in your life even though, with all my heart, that is not what I want to do. I will teach you right ways, and unfortunately I will also teach you wrong ones. But most of all, I pray that you will know that even though I and your father and everything you count worthy of putting trust in, in your life WILL fail you, Jesus will NEVER fail you. He will always be there for you, in all your moments in life. Your Life will not be easy, but don't desire it to be easy. It's not the road that will get you to the place you truly want to end up. Your life will be full of all sorts of times...through all of them look to Jesus. I love you Presley.

Almost 34 weeks

2009-05-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

Well, well...and one more...well. So much for journaling this pregnancy huh? I feel like baby Trent is already getting the short end of the stick! Well lets start with the complaints so the good stuff looks real good :). Plantar Fasciitis! What that means to me??!!! PAINFUL ARCHES, HEELS, TOES, CALVES. Truly...can't stand for more than a couple minutes without stabbing pain. Even after laying down all night, my feet kill in the morning. It has gotten in the way of cleaning, bending, walking...blah blah blah. Just frustratin when you can't do the housework and get things done!

Baby kicks. Oh they were so cute with Presley. I would lay down for an hour just feeling the baby move. NOW I SHUDDER WHEN THE BABY WAKES UP TO MOVE. To those who defend "no gender difference"...all I can say is "Tell that to my cervix!". It truly feels like he is kick boxing in my uterus and it is truly painful...however it is way worse when he doesn't move for a while and I get worried.

I think I will stop with those complaints...I wouldn't want anyone to think any amount of discomfort of pain is more than worth it for a healthy little baby. I just happen to be one of those people, that after I bore you with my complaints...ahhh...I feel much better after wards.

Moving on...Presley is turning 2 on Thursday. I can't believe that she really does age! The newborn stage is so long...but once she started walking and talking it feels like she's slipping out of my hands...oh but there it is. She is slipping out of the hands that I hold onto her so tightly with. I hate the balance that a mother needs to walk...your supposed to protect, teach, love, encourage, comfort, discipline and BOND-with open hands. I can only wrap my (swollen due to pregnancy) hands tightly around Jesus. It's not like He said it would be easy.

So this is where I am...just like every other mother that loves her babies more that life. I also feel like we are in the calm before the storm. This time I have some idea of how to prepare for the storm. The storm of labor...breastfeeding an infant every two to three hours (I will not wake that baby at three hours on the dot in the middle of the night this time!) needing so much from a husband who has already given more than he can...how will Presley handle the baby? Will I feel devastated at the time I can't spend with her? Will she feel left out? But just like He has carried me so for...he will carry me, us, again.

There is one last thing...Terry. Terry has been my rock in the last 8 months. My heart breaks for women who don't have a husband they can rely and count on from everything to support with children to finances (assuming the wife is pulling her weight as well!). Countless times of "Can you do this?" "I didn't get a chance to do that". He gets up in the middle of the night with Presley ALL the time. He sleeps on a twin bed on the floor so I can have the queen, he works hard at his job, he cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he picks up Presley, he hugs me and tells me thank-you for carrying this baby. He waits for me to finish babbling on the phone...he cuddles with me (and HE HATES to cuddle) The bible says that he is supposed to love me as christ loves the church...and he does. He has longsuffered with me, and showed patience when I was difficult, and he sacrifices so much of what he wants for me. I adore him more everyday.
Ok...this post was ALL OVER THE PLACE...just like a journal should be :)

29 weeks

2009-04-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

I was looking at my journal back in October. Seeing the desires of my heart fullfied with this new baby, and other areas blew me away. I Hope that I am one step closer at trusting God with my life and many steps further away from thinking the worst will always happen.

29 weeks is...lots of braxton and hicks, constant stuffy noses and weird sinus stuff. my body is soooo heavy, but then again, I was this weight about 4 weeks ahead last pregnancy. I am not gaining too much. This time last baby I was already 45 pounds weight gain...because I only lost 35 of the 65 I am trying to be SUPER good. My blood sugar test wasn't good, so I am going to the three our test next week. Diabetes is all over the place in my family and I shouldn't be surprised if I have gestational diabetes with being heavy and being predisposed to it. I hope not though. Major diet changes!

Presley is doing great. She is so awesome. I love our relationship. We have a lot of cuddle time and she is really anxious for this baby to come. I know she doesn't understand a whole lot, but she is really acting out the whole baby thing. I enjoy our "conversations" that we have. Her understanding is just growing with leaps and bounds.

I would say my biggest struggle right now is working...sorry! I don't want to complain...but the doctor keeps putting me out on shorter days, and days of work here and there and I just can't wait to stay home. But I have to finish strong at my job. God has truly moved in my life in the scope of my job and I feel I would be dishonoring Him to give up now. In His grace I need to approach each day. It's just a bummer....I want to sooo badly be home...cleaning, cooking, gardening, organizing. Not only that, we have plans for our family, but ultimately things could change on a dime and I can't put my happiness in anything but HIM.

26 weeks

2009-03-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

Today I am 26 1/2 weeks! Little Trent is a very active baby, much more than Presley was. I was blessed with a blissful virtually discomfort free pregnancy the first time around so I never understood what "done being pregnant" meant! I think I have officially joined the ranks of millions of other women out there...but hey! It could be worse so not too much complaining!!!

I am still sleeping pretty well...starting to pee a lot more at night. I have had heartburn since 6 weeks, so that's nothing new. My stomach hurts right around the belly button, I remember this with Presley. I am really tired, way more than Presley. I eat better though this time because I am trying not to gain too much weight (I have a lot of work to do after this baby!!!) Terry is the best...when Presley gets up at night, he goes and sleeps on her floor. I used to be the number one person who would take care of her, but now he does that at night...a huge blessing that I should tell him about everyday!! My gums are receding...that's new.

I just can't wait to hold this baby!! I miss that so much. My prayers for after baby comes is no PPD or baby blues like with Presley, nursing would go smoothly...no SLEEP ISSUES OR TUMMY ISSUES like Presley had...I guess what I am really praying for is one of the "Angel Babies" you hear about but have really never met????

Praise God for the miracle of life and the blessing of family :)

25 weeks is good!

2009-03-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

25 weeks...is good! Women's retreat and campaign at work is behind me and they both went awesome. I was getting a ton of braxton and hicks but that has kinda diminished. I notice that when I get super busy I get them. Maybe I am too busy to remember to drink water and pee...who knows.

I see the doctor on Friday and the only thing that is really bugging me right now is a month long sinus thing that affects my nose, throat and face. I keep getting a sore throat that never goes away completely, my face and head hurts and just a lot of, sorry, mucus...I am thinking sinus infection?? Mild if it is, but annoying still.

We have had my in-laws staying with us for about two weeks while my father in law recovers from major sugery. Presley has grown so close to her grandmother and I love it! The computer I am using is really old and takes a while to upload pics...but I will try to put some on here of Pres.

I am grateful for an un-eventful post!

Resting in Jesus this Thursday Morning

2009-03-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

What would I do without you Lord??!!!

Do you every have those moments in your life where the beautiful realization hits you like a ton of bricks that in the end...it comes down to two beings: YOU AND GOD. Not your husband, your boss, your enemies, or even your amazing children that have given your life a new meaning.

it is blowing my mind that the love that I have for my daughter that would cause me to easily lay my life down for her...is NOTHING compared to how Jesus loves me. Lately I have feeling his love everywhere I go, and all the time.

All of His blessing, my husband, my daughter, this pregnancy, job etc...are so beutiful and wonderful but there is only ONE thing I can not survive without, Jesus.

So on this Thursday morning...I am resting...yes resting in Jesus.

How's this for honesty??!!

2009-02-28T07:50:00.000-08:00

I am increasingly getting to the point in life where I am DONE with everything that does not pertain to Terry and Presley.

I am growing weary of leaving my 21 month old and driving 10 miles to work. And work sucks up every OUNCE of energy I have in this pregnant overweight body! And when I say work...it's really dealing with all the administrative responsibilities...if I could just "be" with my kids at work I think I wouldn't feel this way. But I am preparing for a maternity leave, and one where I don't know if I am coming back, so after 9 years of making my mark I want to make sure that I leave the site organized as possible for those who may take my place.

I also think that there has just been a lot going on between putting our dog down after she mauled and killed the next door neighbors dog to other life experiences like death. Also, our church's women's retreat is coming up in two weeks and I am preparing to share how Christ rescued me from my depths 15 years ago (AND STILL IS!!). Satan is trying to steal the song out of my mouth so that I would have nothing to share that night!!

So I feel like I am treading water and I am getting tired. I just want a raft to come along and I can rest a while. I know that raft is resting in Jesus...but there ARE times in our lives He allows stuff to happen to stretch us, to mold us. But the extremely cliche statement is said often not because it is untrue, but because it is VERY true...He will NOT give us ANYTHING more that we can handle...but maybe it should really be said like this: He will not give us anything more than HE can handle for us.

So...Lord, it's me. You're pathetic, broken and lost child. I know one thing...You are the answer to all that I encounter good and bad. Please go before me in life and prepare my way. Protect me from the one who wants to destroy. Change my black heart that is angry, selfish and in a state of self-pity. Put a song from you in my soul that is untouchable. Please give me grace and wisdom. Forgive me for crying about life, when I haven't even asked for your help. Help me to see everything for what it is...I know you want the best for me. Please rescue me today.

Ultrasound Update

2009-02-18T19:45:00.000-08:00

UPDATE**
Sorry...I didn't thank-you for praying!!! Also on another note, the baby was measuring 21 weeks 3 days, and according to before it was 20 weeks today...even though the doctor said they would go with the original dating...I am holding out for the reason I am sooo huge is not the 30 pounds of extra chunk I had before baby...but that I am further along (I know people...it's only a week and a half!!)

Original post:So we had our second ultrasound and they did not find any more markers...so the chances of any problems with chromosomes such as downs syndrome is incredibly unlikely and does not warrent further testing. I want to explain a little more about markers etc... the only way doctors would know for sure about problems like downs syndrome is if they did an amniocentesis which carries risk of fetal death. Basically in our case during a routine ultrasound they found a possible sign or marker of a chromosomal abnormality like down syndrome. Even though it was unlikely that it meant anything, they sent us to a second ultrasound to look for other signs, which they found none. They recommended no amnio (we wouldn't do it anyway) and they said the likely hood of anything resulting from this would be extremely surprising... and the genetics counselor even said that Kaiser is considering changing the standard of informing patients of an Echogenic Focus because they aren't even sure anymore if there is any relation to chromosomal abnormalities in the first place.

Ultimately as a christian, I don't play the game of odds...the odds mean nothing when everything GOOD AND BAD is cleared by my Father in heaven. He said that He causes ALL THINGS to work together for good (you know the verse). He knows the numbers of hairs on my head, his thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand and he has a plan for my life. A down syndrome baby would NOT be an "oops", it would be a part of the plan. Yes things do "happen" but then didn't happen without God knowing about it, and his approval.

We still don't know for absoulte sure if our son will have downs or not...we will just have to wait this one out until we meet our little man. But we are super excited for this baby and can't wait to meet him! This experience has brought Terry and I closer together, made us more compassionate about families with special needs, and challenged our faith and trust. Because here's the thing: We will never escape the what ifs in our lifetime. We will never escape pain and tragedy. But we can be sure of one thing-Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us, and He is the ultimate source of our peace, joy, happiness and completeness.

Ultrasound News

2009-02-08T16:07:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me for more than 10 minutes probably knows that I struggle with worry-or trusting God. Throughout ALL of my last pregnancy I worried daily. In the first trimester it was miscarriage, in the second it was preterm labor and in the third it was cord issues. And guess what??? When she came it was SIDS! And every time she leaves my arms and drives away with someone, or I leave her with someone, I consciously kiss her like it may be the last time I see her. What a way to live huh? But just like with you, He is oh so patient with me and he will spend the rest of my life making me more like Him through trials, pain, life lessons etc..

This pregnancy there has been some progess in that area. I now know, it doesn't really pay to worry so much, because what I fear, or the possibility of something going wrong is ALWAYS there. Getting to the second trimester or the third and so on, won't take my worry away. I am more relaxed in this pregnancy. I drink my small morning cup of coffee almost daily, I take tylenol, I take pepcid (I still won't eat those coldcuts though!).

But after going to our routine ultrasound to find out that our baby has a soft marker for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome I am surprisingly not freaking out. I think it's because having a "marker" has simply doubled our chances of a normal pregnancy of our baby having one of these problems. We are being sent to a level two ultrasound where they will look for more markers. If they find more (I think three) then they would recomend an amnio. If they find no other markers, it is probably a calcium deposit and we would just have to wait it out.

So...it is what it is. It is comforting to know statistics blah blah blah...but doesn't everything that happens to me passes through the hands of my Father good or bad? Doesn't He give AND take away??? My prayers of late go like this: Father...you can have it all...but if you decide that is what is best...then whatever you do don't let go of me when I walk that hard road after loss, heartache and pain.

So if you are reading this, please pray that by our level 2 ultrasound next week that the spot they found on this baby's heart will disapper. But ultimately that God's will, will happen and we will be OK with it.

This and that...

2009-01-23T07:58:00.000-08:00

Saw the Doctor yesterday and I heard the precious heartbeat for the first time. I didn't hear it at the 12 week visit because I was spoiled and got to see the baby instead. So when I heard the heartbeat I was really taken back. I am not pregnant with fat. It really is a baby in there with a beating heart and everything!

She was a bit concerned about the Vertigo that has not gone away. She said that at the next visit if it has not subsided they would send me to a specialist. I have actually gotten quite used to it. NO sudden movements and I seem to be okay. I still have to hold onto things to walk a few times throughout the day. Its not the same feeling as getting up to fast. It's more about the room spinning and you feel like your falling.

Puked up my dinner last night...but it was kinda my fault. To say the least it has been a BUSY week. So when I came home at 6:45 after a long day it seemed just fine to devour tortilla chips and chili. What an idiot.

Davese came over last night to simply give Presley hugs and kisses. Presley loves her so much. As a mom, nothing like knowing other people love your kid.

Terry is super husband and Dad. Worked a long week and unfortunately got some sad news last night that a high school friend died in a car crash. A reminder that we are not promised another day even a moment....

Things are good...but Terry and I need some, Terry and I time. Hoping to slow down for the weekend and maybe have my parents watch Presley for an evening and go on a date.

That is our lives this week in a nutshell!

2009-01-18T07:44:00.001-08:00

Every pregnant woman knows about how dreams change in pregnancy....I have had a couple crazy ones. I wanted to "write down" the one I had last night so I can look back on it for years to come.

A scattered dream that was all over the place but the bottom line was I had two children already. At one point one was 4 and one was around 2. Then all of sudden the 2 year old was as tall as the 4 year old with no toddler characteristics at all. In my dream I was distinctly devastated that I had missed all that growing up. I even tried to hold her like a baby and she wouldn't let me.

I woke up so happy that Presley was only 20 months and I was still pregnant.

Somewhere inside of me I must be sad at how time is flying...whatever it means either a reminder or a reflection but in about 5 minutes I am going to go get my baby/toddler out of her CRIB and enjoy every ounce of her chubby baby/toddler frame, kisses, hugs, gibberish and giggles.

2009-01-15T08:04:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of beautiful pictures from this day. I know this one is fuzzy, but it captures Presley.

I love her...

Another good reason to work at my marriage

2009-01-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

Two days ago, a little girl, who I have known for years, stood in front of me sobbing. She was sobbing because she couldn't hold it in any longer. She was overwhelmed with deadlines for school work, home life and life in general. Her parents are headed for divorce and she is very aware of her unstable environment.

It shook me. It's not that I have not dealt with this. I have dealt with much worse in my 9 years of school age daycare. What is different is that I have now known these families for so long, I have seen many of there second children follow their first through the center. I have watched their families over a 6 year span, specifically at this center. And in this case, watched the decline. I have first hand seen a stable, well adjusted child fall apart because of whats going on at home.

In the middle of the conversation with this child Terry calls.

"Hi babe. Just wanted to let you know I am on my way home. I love you."

I hang up and altogether at once in my head I was:

1. Utterly grateful that I enjoy life with Terry
2. Completely thankful that God manages our marriage
3. Committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to be married at 60....even if he were to not be.
4. That if I were to throw in the towel...I would be changing my children's lives forever because divorce and fighting in the home affects children.

Terry and I have been through a lot over the last 10 years. We have had some really disgusting times in terms of how we treated each other. Many seasons that brought on growth and change. But the latest one during our marriage for me was 4 months after Presley was born. I remember the scene perfectly. I was getting ready to go back to work and I was scared and overwhelmed. We had just bought our house. I cried out to the Lord saying how can I do this? How can our marriage whether such stress? Middle of the night feedings, full time work where I am on call day and night? I stood in the kitchen and Terry and I fought about dishes (source of many past fights...I am messy he is clean). He walked out the door and I clearly remember me crying out to the Lord I CAN"T DO THIS!!! And the Lord simply said inside my heart....serve Me.

In marriage, you live with another person. The whole relationship in many ways must be like a positive team that works together for the end goal. Our goal is to 1) stay married! but ultimately please God. But when we "serve" our spouses, as each one should the other, it really is serving the Lord. It is for the Lord. So when we are upset with the other, and we have met the end or our rope for that person, we can keep going because the things we do for the spouse, or the sake of the marriage, its's all for the Lord. And...the kicker, is He is our strength in our very weakness. When I am "done" being married. When I am "done" doing whatever it is in life that is overwhelming, in Him we find rest and peace for our weary souls. He miraculously fills us up and we can give more.

Right now...we are in a sweet, calm spot. We are like butter in our daily grind. He helps me, I help him, we are very motivated to do what it takes while we await this new baby and enjoy the one we have! But dark will come again, when life happens. The battle will continue all our lives. Keeping Jesus number one in our lives is our ONLY chance.

So....after that really long post...my point is that when this incident happened with the little girl, I was grateful for the marriage I have. But even more than that, grateful for the One who is my Shepard, my Helper, my Father, my Savior and my very present help in times of trouble.

Its ok

2009-01-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

After two full days back at work following a 6 week leave, I am tired. Even though I am well out of the 1st trimester, I really don't feel like it. Still puky. I don't think I should be this tired because I go to bed before 10 and granted I wake up anywhere from 2 to 5 times at night. I wake up either to pee or Presley wakes up. Last night I woke up with some cramping that kept me up for about an hour and a half. So this morning Presley is next to me with some Cheerios and milk and I am a zombie. But thats ok. It's ok because I have a little growing baby in my tummy, and an adorable 19 month old toddler who makes my world go round. Its ok because I am married to a husband who completes me.
Its more than ok.

Back from the dead

2008-12-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

I am officially in the "golden age" of pregnancy. The long awaited 2nd trimester that brings more sleepFUL nights, less trips to the bathroom (until the 3rd trimester that is) and a huge appetite. Still a little green here and there but NOTHING compared to what week 5 to 9 was. Yesterday after a day of whatever I seemed to touch was destroyed (my favorite 9X13 pyrex glass dish exploded in the kitchen) I still had not showered by 4pm. My goal was to have the house in order, the laundry done (or...almost done at least) and me showered with MAKE-UP on for when Terry got home. Mission was accomplished. He looked at me and I could tell he was surprised.

So here I am in the golden age of pregnancy and back from the dead.

2008-12-22T12:39:00.000-08:00

It is no secret that like most brand spakin' new mom's, I struggled after Presley was born. After a baby is born, a lot of mothers will say that when they gazed upon their brand new long awaited budle of joy, it was love at first sight. For me, after all the labor and being awake for way too many hours straight pushing a human being out of a very small opening in my body, it was not love at first sight. I was so exhausted I could only muster up enough strength to turn my head to look at Presley across the room. I slept for 10 minutes... and then they were placing the baby in my arms...and there it was! Welcome to motherhood. Feed, change diaper, and it was all up to me to make sure I kept this tiny human being alive. I couldn't believe they were letting me leave the hospital! So I struggled. I even thought to myself "what did I get myself into?".

However, I can with all confidence say...that time passed (3monts to be exact) Presley and I are bonded like two peas in a pod. In fact I just put her down for a nap, and double took a look at her and for the millionth time couldn't believe that God has blessed me with such joy in being Presley's mother.

So, Sandy asked me last night if I think I will "struggle" in the same way after this baby.

The answer is-no. Now I can't say for absolute sure, but I really don't think so. You see, I went from feeling beautiful and pregnant on cloud nine with a picture perfect pregnancy to when the baby came...feeling fat, leaking milk, in pain up every two hours blah blah blah...you get the picture. This time, it hasn't been a picture perfect pregnancy, I look 6 months pregnant at 12 weeks, I can't wear cute maternity. Also, I know what's coming. Now I know I don't know what it's like with two...but I know childbirth HURTS. I know what a 3rd degree tear is...I know what up every two hours is...I know what acid reflux is...I know its hard. I know that SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

And more than anything...I know that my God will be there this time too. My shepard the one who makes me lie down in green pastures and restores my soul will be there as he is now.

Going back to bloggin roots...for me at least.

2008-12-19T09:22:00.001-08:00

So, when I started this blog at the advice of Sarah Markely to help me deal with postpartum hell...I would throw my feelings into a every other day or so post. With this new pregnancy, I want to do the same (maybe not every other day though).

So of all things to get when your pregnant, a case of vertigo caused by a buildup of fluid in me ears. What the heck??? If you have never had this...try that relay race thing they do at church events where you spin a million times with your forehead on a bat then try and run...Never had this in my life (unless you count my "before I knew Jesus" teenage years, or back in 2003 when I met my soon to be inlaws in Taiwan where everyone drinks scotch at ever meal. Gumbay!)

So yesterday, I had to call Tamara to take me to the doctors because I couldn't drive. So now that I know it's not serious, its kinda funny. I just feel like I have had one too many (doesn't affect my mind though, so no excuses there).

So...In this pregnancy, I want to use this blog to document. Document the good, bad and the ugly...and sometimes funny of pregnancy.

Here we go again!

2008-12-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

Well...here we go again, with baby number 2! I bet Terry $100 its a BOY...I am so sick with this pregnancy, I have decided it's the alien male sex inside of me (50% chance I will win).

I am 11 weeks, seen the heartbeat twice and all is well.

I have been out of work since November 14th with severe morning, brunch, noon, tea time and night...oh yeah almost forgot middle of the night sickness. Puking your guts out sickness. I was dehydrated for a while, so doc decided to put me off. I am feeling a little better now. Whatever it takes to keep baby healthy right???

By the way...I am now convinced that God gave me everything I needed in a husband. I can't imagine my life without him.

A Journal Entry

2008-10-09T21:03:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog, it was when Presley was a couple months old. I was stumbling through brand new motherhood and I felt terrified as the days flew by me that I could not hold onto my memories. I hate writing in journals so when Sarah told me I should start blogging it was really helpful in sorting through the craziness.

Well...that is what this post will be. Most likely read only by a few but to me it adds to the online journaling of the last year and a half. My memories on paper.

My heart bears a burden. This burden is birthed out of the deep bonded love between mother and child. Being a mother has, for me, offered completion. It has brought to life something deep inside of me to. I love my daughter more than my own life and she brings me pure joy. But this amazing relationship comes with a hefty price.

A BURDEN for a lifetime.

What makes it a burden will change over the years. Right now I worry when she is not with me, and even worry when she is (although I do feel more confident then in the beginning when I wondered how I was keeping this little tiny person alive!!) From the beginning I have always asked God to be gentle with my "mother's heart", that if and when it gets broken that he would put it back together.
Two weekends ago I was mopping the floor. I was going through a time where I felt like Presley didn't need me anymore (I also underestimated the power of changing hormones!!!). Presley hardly noticed/cared that her Mama wasn't coming with her when her Daddy and her were going to the market.

That was a first.

When they left I cried so hard that tears were actually falling to the floor (little dramatic huh?). In that small taste of what will come, I threw my heart into the Lord. For all of us, it will end face to face with the Lord. It really comes right back to the FACT that if all things pass away, if I were to lose everything....I will ALWAYS have Jesus, God in the flesh.

He is my lifeline. He is my all in all. He is.

Life is going by so fast

2008-09-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

It has been about a month since I last posted anything. Yet it feels like two weeks. A lot has happened. I finished another summer, and started another fall with the YMCA. Presley started walking...then running within a week. I stopped nursing the last feeding I was hanging onto. Did you hear me say that??? Hey, I have always been known for transperency, good or bad. I am feeling so overwhelemed with how fast life is going, how much work is taking from me, how quickly Presley went from baby to toddler that I feel like I can't breathe at times. Then I realize how selfish I am being and snap out of it...

So I need to get back to the basics. The reality is that when I realize that I am grounded in Jesus, none of this matters. Jobs come and go, children grow up and leave to build their own...but Jesus is my constant.

Amen.

Pictures for your enjoyment =)

Irvine Park

2008-08-29T18:39:00.001-07:00

Today we went to Irvine Park with the Quirks. Presley showed me a side to her that I didn't quite realize was there...while at the petting zoo, she took a while to warm up and was a bit timid of the animals.

She was interested in the ponies (what little girl isn't?). She liked the train.

It took her all of 5 seconds to fall asleep in the car when we left, and kept sleeping for an hour and a half (that's a really long nap for our little cat napper).

2008-08-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

Update: She is full on walking...nearly running. All in a matter of one week. Its funny, she had a really hard week of difficult sleeping and very cranky and then bam! She hit another milestone. These pictures are really for Davese...but for any others like Uncle Henry and Nyny who check this blog to see Presley...they are for you too!! But thank Davese for pushing me to upload them :)

Presley Frustrated

2008-08-23T20:50:00.000-07:00

Presley Summer Pictures...

2008-08-10T21:39:00.000-07:00

She loves purses...or anything she can slip on her arm and pretent is a purse.

She loves nectarine...whole.

How I fell in love with football and the Packers...

2008-08-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Growing up I hated watching football, or any sport for that matter. It may have something to do with being shushed in unison by the three men (dad and 2 bros) surrounding me as we would sit together watching football. I felt left out and it seemed appropriate that football should take the heat.

When I married my amazing husband one summer in July(truly not just saying that) I quickly realized I would be a very LOOONNNEELLLY woman every Monday night and sometime Thursday...and sometime Sunday right after church from preseason in August to the Superbowl in February.

Not only did Terry love football, he loved the packers, and not only did he love the packers...he loved Brett Favre. Favre meant something to him. A man who married his high school sweet heart and still married to her! He battled addiction, had his ups and down, but NEVER missed a game. Terry identified with his work ethic and it seems to me, that he was encouraged by this.

So I had 2 choices. put Terry in the middle between his love for Football and me?? That would never work. He would secretly resent me. I decided one day, a truly calculated decision, I chose to join him in his love for Football.

It wasn't easy at first. So many questions, and Terry knows SO MUCH about the game, but I could tell he was growing tired of my constant asking. The season I chose to fall in love, was not a good one for the Packers....so it was a bit of a struggle. But by Thanksgiving I was laying on the couch by myself as the rest of the family finished feasting watching not one game but two!

So there it began. I began to love the feeling of fall when the new season comes around. The air begins to cool, time to wear sweaters and comfy coats, the Holidays approaching...and time to watch football. The excitement of each game, the subconscious nail biting because the intensity is so great. I didn't realize it at first, but on Monday nights when we have some friends over to watch the games, one night I realized I wasn't in the kitchen with the girls, I was in the living room with the boys. I had fallen in love with football.

Best of all, My husband and I were sharing something together.

What prompts me to write this post is two things: 1. Yesterday was the first game of Preseason
2. Brett Favre was just reinstated to the Packers. 3. Our home is filled with excitement. Excitement for the time we will spend with friends as we open our home to them, the games that will be so fun to watch and to me, the time spent with my husband doing something we love together.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/football/bears/cs-080803-brett-favre-reinstated-green-bay-pompei,0,3467647.column

Go Away

2008-07-22T09:42:00.000-07:00

So, we often tell our dog cinder to go "night night" or even "go away". Well isn't it just funny that when I told Presley "no" this morning as she was trying to destroy Terry's XBOX 360, she told me to .... "go away".

Funny thing is, she said it so sweetly.

Presley

2008-07-19T09:43:00.001-07:00

Thanks Sarah! This is verrryy cool!

Who does God say my Daughter is????

2008-07-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

I have never really given much thought to the fact that I am in an interracial marriage. Truly, I find more humor in our differences than frustration (we'll laugh about that in another post). But I thought long and hard about it last weekend.

We were at Wal-mart. Cruising through the kids isle when a couple walked passed me. Right on the neck of a guy with a shaved head, dirty clothes and equally disturbing girl that was with him...was a swastika. That's right, a swastika.

I stood there with Presley on my hip, shocked.

We live in southern California. My mother is from Scotland, with a Shrek accent and all, my sister in law through my brother is Japanese and my other brother has kids that are a quarter Mexican. I choose to surround myself with people who are not ignorant. While I think minor prejudices somewhat exist in all of us, to truly hate someone you have never met because they are not white...shocks me. Don't they know the history of the "white race"??? Don't they know where they came from???

As the man and woman walk passed me, an awkward unspoken moment happens and I look to my husband. He could really care less. He almost seemed immune. The old saying "I am rubber you are glue, what ever you say bounces off me and sticks to you".comes to mind.. He moved here when he was 9 from Taiwan and has encountered people like this all his life...so this is not shocking to him at all.

As they leave, he comes up to me and says "let's go". I walk by his side, my heart just plain grieved.

I wasn't grieved for me. I know people stare at Terry and I sometimes. I have always been proud to have married someone outside my race. I truly assume, if they are thinking anything, its..."how cool is she".

But, after I had Presley this is my second encounter with something like this. So I wasn't grieved for me, I was grieved for my daughter. I was grieved that she may encounter people who judge her just because of what she looks like, even worse hate her. The mother bear in me in visions tearing anyone apart who would possible harm my daughter, or want harm to come to her just because she is half Chinese. But that means I care what they think.

But...I don't want her to be like me, I want her to be like her father. He is so strong in my eyes. He could truly care less. He has more important things to do than think or worry what others think of him. He cares more about what God thinks of him. Again, he cares more about what God thinks of him.

So as I embark on this journey of raising a girl in America that is half white half chinese I ask God for wisdom. I want her to be more concerned with what God thinks of her than what others do. I don't want her to live in fear, or feel inadequate becuse of what some people in the world may say of her. I will raise my daughter not to look to "man" for her worth, but to God who says she is "fearfully and wonderfully" made.

I just want to hold her

2008-07-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

As I put Presley to sleep tonight, I rocked her for an extra long time in the rocking chair. She was already sleeping deeply. It was a particularly busy day. I got home late, Terry picked up Presley and went to the market with her and got home late himself. Terry had to fix the sprinkler head, I made dinner, and Presley went to bed almost an hour late because we just didn't have enough time. I wanted to hold her for a little while longer before another day slips away from us. I love to sing Jesus loves me, but replace me with Presley. I found myself praying out loud "don't let her grow up". I even started to cry a little. Realizing the foolishness in that, I changed it to "help me let her grow up".

But its true...I don't want her to grow up. Honestly, I think that my own relationship with my mother casts a constant shadow on how I think things will be with Presley. Not should be, but will be. My mother and I fought since I can remember. A constant battle of authority. I love my mom, but to this day there are unhealthy aspects that are still there. We have overcome much. The Lord has broken many chains...

I know what the word says, that I am a new creation, that God has a plan for me and my daughter, and our relationship. I know He will restore what the locusts have eaten as the bible says. I truly am comforted in knowing that He knows my heart, that all I can do is keep my eyes on Him, submit my self to Him, and consciously turn away from the unhealthy mother/daughter examples of relationship I have only known...and love her father.

You have entrusted me with a human life. Please mold me into the mother you want me to be. Please mold our relationship into one that pleases you and glorifies you. I know that all I want to hold so tightly could pass away, but You will never leave me.

She is not mine, she is Yours....but while I have her, I want to love her, kiss her, breathe in every ounce of her and hold her as much as she will let me.

13 month update

2008-07-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

Very handsome huh???

Thank-you Terry for giving me your old cell phone...I feel so IT like.

I attached a few pictures of Presley...most of them capture Mommy and baby time. Some precious moments are bath time, nursing when she wakes and goes to sleep, rolling around in the bed with mom and dad just before she goes to bed, walks in her little car, playing with cousins and being with us.

Some practical updates: She is now 13 months...crazy I know. Her milk allergy has mostly gone away so we are weaning her now. But she pretty much eats what we eat. She refuses baby food when she sees us eating something else. Apparently she is terrified of the bath tub. She loves babies, looking for pictures of them everywhere. She says a few words: Mama, Dada, baby, ball, dog or wowo, flower,baloon (she tries) so they sound more like flowy and bloon. She also mimics alot...and I think she understands alot too. Its getting hot here, so she mainly wears these cute little fancy onesies with a dress over the front. She has been sleeping in her own crib since she was about 4 months old (thanks again Shelly!) and sleeps from 8 to 7:30am. She has been going through this separation anxiety where she wakes up at night or early in the morning and has a hard time going down for naps. We have tried EVERYTHING since she was born (remember she the catnapping baby!). We do a mix of rocking, singing, crying it out...depends on her needs at the time. She is a very happy baby, but VERY strong willed. She is really showing determination and dominance. For example, if a cousin tries to take a toy, she screams and holds on to it. The problem is, in the church nursery, she grabs the toys from the other kids...oh boy.

Things are good, we are all super busy. Presley's Auntie Satoko still watches Presley during the day for about 6 hours, sometimes more, sometimes less. Terry and I are doing good and we are more times than not acting as a productive team. When we have long hard days, instead of taking it out on each other,we console each other! Who would have known that is much better!!

God has blessed me with great supportive staff at my work and kids that are great. We are right in the middle of summer program where we go on field trips and the workload doubles...but again God has blessed me. When things get hard, and they do when the balls start to drop, I am reminded quickly that it could be worse, so suck it up appreciate what you have and persevere and move on...after all I have MUCH to be grateful for.

That is all for now...a sincere thanks for your support!

In the toilet

2008-06-25T20:28:00.000-07:00

Fortunately for you, there is no picture of this one...today with 32 children at Castle Park in tow... We had just arrived after waiting one hour outside the park. I had to pee, but of course I waited until 32 of our children used the bathroom first(that had only TWO stalls). I quickly get in the bathroom, roster of all the children in my mouth, walkie talkie in the left pocket and cell phone in the right, I need to hurry because all the children are waiting for me. My cell phone is crucial... along with tons of snapshots of Presley and videos of her babbling, the bus company numbers in case they are late, school security to inform of trespassing skateboarders, bosses numbers are all in my cell.

I quickly finish peeing, flush with the foot, turn around, pull up my pants and....OUT GOES MY CELL PHONE RIGHT INTO THE FLUSHING TOILET!!! Before I could even dig my hands in the toilet to retrieve it (I actually tried by the way) it was gone. The suction of that toilet was like an airplane toilet. In two seconds my phone was gone.

I would like to think that God was protecting me from some tragic accident the phone would be the cause of....but Terry isn't buying it.

Presley at 10 months...

2008-06-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

I just love her...

My Mirror

2008-06-05T09:03:00.001-07:00

Those of you who check this blog for updates and pictures...this will bore you-consider yourself warned.

She is watching me: So we switched her seat around so that now she is facing front. I realized after a couple days she just sits there and stares at me. I could see her in my rear view mirror...just staring at me, mouth open. I would turn around and she would be just tickled. She probably is just awed that "this is what mom's been doing all my life when we are driving somewhere". But it hit me one day...that my daughter is watching me. Forget the things I will tell her. Who cares about the lessons I want her to learn...or the mistakes I don't want her to make that I did...or the bad things about me I don't want her to inherit.

She will learn the most by my example.

My most deepest desire above all for my daughter (that bleeds into EVERY area of her life) is that she will see Christ as the center of her life. That when she goes through hard times-and she will- that nothing will separate her from the love God has for her. That she will turn to Him when she is sad, scared, lonely, hurt-but also when she is in happy times of her life too.

I can take her to church. Our family can builds deep friendships with those who feel how I do. I can pray for her all her life morning and night. I can put bible versus around the home so that she sees them and is reminded. And while all those things are worthy of doing....it will be meaningless if her mother does not live it herself.

Birthday Pictures

2008-05-31T21:31:00.000-07:00

Thank-you to Auntie Davese for the AMAAAZZZIING cake for Presley's first! Check out the handprint...precious!

This will break your heart...but very worthy of reading.

2008-05-27T13:26:00.001-07:00

http://thelactivist.blogspot.com/2008/05/love-of-mother-even-if-its-someone.html

Happy Birthday Presley-May 21st

2008-05-26T21:02:00.000-07:00

It was August. Hot. Termites were swarming in our condo. When my mom called, I sobbed uncontrollably about the termites and how the association was not going to take care of them. She asked if I was pregnant, and I laughed at her. I had wanted to see the plus sign on the pregnancy test for the past six months...and I was not about to struggle with God another month. It would happen if and when He wanted it to happen...besides I had no right to feel sorry for myself when it had only been six months and tons of other women had been in agony for years over infertility. It was August. I was bloated, more than usual, couldn't stand the taste of my favorite casserole. I wouldn't let myself dare to hope. I took a test, trying to contain the hope that was spilling out of me...staring at the little window. Nothing... "see, I told you, you weren't preg-...wait, is that a line??? I believe it is!" And there it was the little cross I had been waiting to see for so long, even before we started trying. The little two lines I prayed for...even cried to God late at night when I couldn't sleep.

I began to jump up and down talking to my self, laughing then crying saying things like"Thank-you God!" then the next was "this is impossible, maybe its incorrect". I got myself together and began to pray for the child that no other human being on the planet knew I was carrying.

Here we are, about two years later and I just celebrated my baby girl's first birthday. At the end of the day when she was exhausted I held her close and sang to her. I watched her drift off to sleep...and thought of the past years. My upbringing, what has contributed to who I am today, our marriage, the decision to try for a baby, the ups and downs, Christ's faithfulness and though not without pain or heartache, the desires of my heart fulfilled...

Happy birthday Presley. Happy birthday my sweet baby girl.

Just so CUTE!

2008-05-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

A Prayer for China

2008-05-12T13:55:00.000-07:00

Father, please help the people of China that were affected by the earthquake. The children that are still trapped at this moment. Please help the parents that are plagued with worry. Please help the hospitals care for the injured, and the injured to cry out to you Jesus, for help. Use this for your Glory, that many will call on your name for their help and give their lives to you.

Cute picture

2008-05-10T22:04:00.000-07:00

This was taken while at "Mimi's" House. She's a year in two weeks!

Afraid to "Forget the music"

2008-05-08T21:11:00.000-07:00

There I was, 6 years old crying behind a large chair at my first piano recital. I had just been escorted of the "stage" at the retirement home that we were performing at. I was escorted off because I had missed the piano and sat at the organ, then frozen solid with embarrassment when I finaly sat at the right instrument, I couldn't remember the music! I tried one time, then two times, a third...I kept playing the same chord. Eventually my teacher came and gently took my hand and walked me off the stage. So I sat behind the chair, crying and so embarrassed... In 3 days I will do something I have been so afraid to do for a very long time. I have been more than happy to do it for the women's ministries but for some reason, terrified of the "general public". I will lead worship for our church. I will stand there, guitar in hand, and lead my beloved brother's and sister's in worship to our king...yet I am loosing sleep and I have a pit in my stomach that will not be lifted until this is over. You see, after Presley was born, me and God had a conversation. I can tell Presley ALL I want until I am blue in the face to trust in the Lord when she is persecuted, to stand firm in the things of God, to not be afraid in the face of fear...BUT I CAN'T SING A FEW SONGS IN FRONT OF CHRISTANS! So I told Jesus that if they asked me again that I would at least do it once. At least once. So they asked, once for the married couples study and they asked once for Sunday morning. So on this Mother's day, I am so grateful to be a mother. I am so honored to have been asked. Though I am afraid, I will put that aside, my pride, my fear of "forgetting the music" and make a baby step in setting the example for my daughter that I want her to follow...be strong and of good courage.

caught

2008-05-07T09:42:00.000-07:00

I am trying my best to stick to weight watchers points. This morning Terry "caught" me licking the plate after I finished eating the smallest waffles I have ever seen in my life...of curse he couldn't pass on the opportunity for a laugh, I wouldn't either :) knowing that we are planning on another one sooner than later, I struggle with the motivation to loose all the weight I gained from Presley just to allow my body to be taken over again...UGGGHH! The La Leche League is right in that if you breast feed the weight comes off quickly...but they weren't talking about the 30 pounds OVER you gained, just the baby's contribution! I lost that in a few weeks! The other 30 was my fault and it has stuck like superglue!!! I was overweight my whole life and when I was about 26 I lost around 50 pounds. Three years later I got pregnant, after 12 weeks of not eating because I was so sick ( not to mention eating like a bird for 3 years) it felt like I hadn't eaten in decades!! I gained 60 pounds from week 12 to 40. I enjoyed every minute of it...BUT Oh how I wish I just gained the 30!!!

Take Heart, I've Overcome the World

2008-05-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been...what's the word...disturbed by the horrible things that happen in our world. Children, his own children, locked in a "dungeon", murders, wars the list goes on. Why, no, HOW could I intentionally make a baby so that she too would have to bear the burden of the pains of this world.

I usually stay around Psalms, and the letters from Paul. I don't know why, I usually gravitate toward them when I am "surfing" the bible. But two nights ago as I was going to going to bed and I was ready to put my burdened, overloaded and dishearten heart to sleep... I hear very CLEARLY in my head John 16.

Is there even a 16? There's a 3:16...With the suspicion that the Holy Spirit was leading me, I began to read. As I read, my heart was again filled with the hope and peace that Christ is. It starts of with Jesus acknowledging things are gonna get bad. That we are going to be sad and the world will rejoice in it's sin. He compared it to that of a woman giving birth! That while we suffer now, He is coming back and just like when we see our babies for the first time and all the pain we suffered disappears, that is how we will feel when we see our JESUS!

But what blew me away, on how I KNEW that Jesus has heard the innermost parts of my heart lately is that at the end its says...drum roll please... IN THIS GODLESS WORLD YOU WILL CONTINUE TO EXPERIENCE DIFFICULTIES. BUT TAKE HEART! I'VE CONQUERED THE WORLD!

One day, that God has already decided, it will all the over. The pain, the crazy horrible stories of children suffering, families breaking apart, the struggles of hungry nations, wars and sin...will all be OVER.

Until then I must take heart, He has overcome what I am afraid of, hurt for and even do myself. I must run this race, persevere in it. I am a soldier. I can either be a prisoner of this war, or fighting until he takes me home.

Thank-you Father for your patience with me when I panic. Thank-you for your faithfulness. Teach me how to be the wife I need to be and the mother I need, the person I need to be so that at the end of this battle, I have been an effective.

2008-05-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

contest...

My whole world changed since I had you...and I never want to go back.

Practical Update

2008-04-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

Presley is 1 year old on May 21st. She crawls and pulls herself up. She is not "into everything" but she does like to explore...carefully. She makes caluculated decisions in what she does get into so thankfully I am not chasing her around the house!

She says dog or wowo, dada, mama and tries to imitate what you do and say. She still loves the bath, loves to eat. She eats tons of baby food, but she loves peas, carrots, grapes, pineapple, cherrios...the list goes on. I am still nursing, partly becuase she has problems digesting cow's milk and it's good for her too. It is slowly getting better, but we just discovered that the tiny bit of yogurt we had been giving her was flaring up her exzema. So for now I continue to nurse three times a day. I weaned her down from 5 about a month ago. I can't tell you how special it is to all three of us at the end of our long day, after dinner and bath Presley and I settle in the recliner and we make up for all the hours we missed each other all day long.

Presley has always been a great night sleeper (a cat napper all day!). She goes down at 8 and gets up at 7am!

Presley loves to discover. I put a basket of toys on the floor or a basket, bag of anything and she loves to pull out each item, look at it for a moment throw it to the side and dig for more.

Terry is the most amazing father and husband. With me working as well as Terry the division of labor in our home is a lot for both of us. Sometimes we look at what the other is NOT doing. But we are quickly learning to trust that both of us are doing our best and we try to help the other as much as possible. Team work...

Devotional or spending time (even if it just 5 minutes) with the Lord is NOT an option. I repeat NOT an option. If I miss it, I turn into the angry, resentful, easily irritated, worrier and most unpleasent person to be around. This is who I am without Christ. With it...just forgiven.

Well, all of you who peak in on this blog from time to time, know I love you and our family so appreciates your presence in our life!

God is good to all, and he has blessed us!

2008-04-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

Wow...it has been so long since I last blogged. I still check all the blogs I read pretty much daily. I just don't have time to write mine! God has been growing us and blessing us. Our family is in a groove and we are even finding time to garden on the weekends! We are still SUPER busy but God gets us up each morning with new energy and excitement for the day, and puts us to bed at night. Some quick things about how Presley is doing... :) She is 12 months in about a month!!!! What?? If you would have told me at 1 month that we WOULD survive and we would grow to LOVE the new chaos in our life I would have looked at you as if you were cruel to give false hope. But it is so true! What an absolute joy Presley is! Terry and I just like most parents could watch her for hours just asking each other...is there anyon out thre who loves their baby like we do! My parents assure us there are others out there...Presley is about 22 pounds 30 inches. She just started crawling a bit. She is a really happy baby who loves people. She loves, I mean just loves other kids. She says baby (she loves those too) and dog and Mama and Dada somewhere in there and of course her favorite...boogy-boog-ya. How precious are these times. BTW...check out Terry's blog....

A Sad Sad Day

2008-03-04T10:48:00.000-08:00

I have the stomach flu and Brett Farve retired.

My Valentine

2008-02-14T22:44:00.000-08:00

Terry and I met wen I was 19. We had mutual "mentors" and when we were introduced we knew right away that...we did not like each other. After one single conversation about some political issue we both agreed on one thing...we would be just fine if we never talked to eachother again. Due to our mutual friends we still saw quite a bit of eachother. He started attending the same youth group I was at and then we started having the same friends. We still couldn't stand eachother...but strangly we became close friends, like brother and sister, like the ones really close in age and you bicker ALL the time. Soon we were teased that we would end up married. Do you know that the thought of that truly repulsed me as it did Terry??? But one rainy night in March of 1998 Terry and I began to look at each other in a different light, and that is where it all began.

Terry is nothing I pictured at 16 of marrying. I did not dream of a man who counted every penny he spent. I did not picture our "dates" would take place at local burger joints to save money. I did not think that I would be spending my lazy saturday's cleaning. I did not think he would be better at Laundry. But all the things I thought I wanted was not what God knew I would want andneed later.

Boy am I glad that what I wanted at 16 is not what God gave me! My husband, the funniest man on earth, has shown his love and dedication to not only me, but to God in his self sacrifice that includes cheaper meals so I could have a home, disciplined weekends so our bills get paid and side jobs to bring in extra money. He toughs it out for his family. He is one of the most courageous person I have known, willing to face any difficult situation for me and anyone he calls friend. He will help you move all weekend after a long week at work. He cares for people who might not even remember his name. He never looks for glory. He reminds me of the wwII generation and he is the "good man that is hard to find".

God is taking care of me

2008-02-04T09:35:00.000-08:00

Thank-you Robyn for your reminder :) In the world of school-age child care it goes something like this. The center opens at 7am and closes again when everyone is off to school. Since we don't have kinders that come BEFORE their session at 10 we are closed from 8:30- until 11:30 hen we pick up the "early birds" kinders who have been in school since 8:30. We run a Kindergarten Plus program that is meant to be an extension of Kindergarten. We work with the Kider teachers to make sure that we are hitting the same components at the same time. Then at 2:45 the 1st-5th graders get out. We close at 6 pm. The state ratio is 14 children to ONE qualified "teacher". We see 20 in the morning, and then we see 20 kinders from 11:30-2:30 and then we see oh...about 50 fron 2:45-6. We should have 4 staff members in the afternoon to cover our center. At his point on the payroll we have myself and my assistant Director (she is sent from God...really). We have been getting subs in daily to help us and even my supervisors have come so that we stay in state ratio. We have the highest enrollment in this area but the least amount of staff. also I leave and pump two times a day but thank-God for Tricia, a substitute teacher for Santa Ana unified that comes in just for me to pump and to close my center from 4:30-6 (another one sent from God).

So...with all that said, the morning shift the one that runs before school is the hardest to cover. Who wants to come in the morning. Well...one of the subs that was sent from another center to coover in the afternoon...out of the GOODNESS of her heart (no idea she is beng used by God) does not want to work the morning and declined the offer of the position but said...drum roll please...that she will work each and every morning until we hire somone, no mtatter how long it takes!

So there is my story of how God is taking care of me.

pray, pray please pray

2008-01-29T22:31:00.000-08:00

ok...if you are reading this please pray for my work situation. Currently I arrive at work at about 11:30 after spending the morning with presley. Terry usually picks her up and has her home by the time I get home around 6:15. A lot of times I get off early and pick her up myself. well...we are greatly understaffed with not a whole of applicants coming in. As of the 11th I will be convering ALL shifts. 7-8:30 and 11:00-6 with no flexibility. I know God will make a way...but that doesn't mean we escape hard times. I need to trust Him that he knows what he is doing and he certainly knows how this will affect me, and our family.

Same old

2008-01-25T22:39:00.000-08:00

When people ask "How are you?" we always say good, great or something like...hanging in there. But I usually answer, "same old, same old". I really want to answer a detailed thorough answer that explains how amazing my daughter is, how precious my husband is to me, how grateful and happy our cozy home welcomes us each evening, how my work situation has worked out nothing short of a miracle, how I love nursing still (and pumping) and how incredible God is to hold this all together. But I usually answer, "same old, same old". Who wants to hear all that??

My life does not need to be action filled to be fullfilling...I am grateful for the way it is.

Apparently she doesn't like applesauce...

2008-01-22T10:52:00.000-08:00

Co Sleeping

2007-12-31T07:29:00.000-08:00

Well...Presley has successfully stayed in dream land in her crib for 9 to 11 hours for the past 3 nights (One of which I turned the monitor down when I was half asleep). Don't worry, we can hear her without it if she wants us to.

I think that with all the people around kinda threw her off, but mostly I think that she was starting to realize that where does mommy and daddy go at night, and wherever they are I want to be there!

At first she resisted, crying out every hour! We thought we had died and gone back to the first two weeks of her life. Then, one night after a while of this, I went in picked her up, changed her diaper and began to rock her. I told her that we were here for her, to protect and love her. I told her we loved her and that she needed to sleep in her crib. I prayed for her that she would feel safe and secure and that His presence would fill her room...and...that was 3 nights ago.

Thank-you Lord for caring about the sleep of little ones, and their parents :)

2007-12-30T22:06:00.000-08:00

Christmas came and went so fast. We had Christmas here this year, and I thank both sides that they were willing to load up their children and fly their families to our home so that we could have Christmas at our house. Unfortunately I was sick...the baby was sick....and Terry was sick! Praise God that I was able to take sick time and have not been to work since Friday the 21st.

Presley looks so adorable in these pictures doesn't she???

Same Old Same Old

2007-12-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

Everything is going pretty well over here at the Lu household. Presley is now 7 months old. She stays sitting up when you put her on the floor. She is rolling over from tummy to back and somehow moving around a bit on the floor. I have not caught her in the action but when I leave the room and come back she has gotten to a toy somehow. She babbles ma ma ma, da da da, ba ba ba, and screams. She does some really strange funny things that show her personality. She is a true individual and joy to have! When I went back to work, I started letting her sleep with me after her middle of the night feeding and that led to earlier wakening in the night. I just loved waking up next to her eye to eye and making each other laugh early in the morning....I missed her all day, who could blame me???? I am gong to tackle that since I am off for the next 5 days. I don't know how its going to go because I am not really motivated. We'll see...We have lots of family coming to visit and Christmas is at our new home this year. We have lots to be thankful to Christ for and so much hope and excitement for what lies ahead.

Presley's daily life

2007-11-30T12:50:00.001-08:00

This is my brothers wife Satoko who watches Presley during the day and my nieces who absolutely adore Presley! Presley loves them too. You should see Presley greet my sister-in-law

and my dad when I drop her off. I try to nurse Presley and no matter how hungry she is if she hears Satoko or my dad she latches off and tries to find them to give them a smile.

Pres is nearly 20 pounds now. She eats sweet potatoes, carrots, applesauce, bananas Japanese rice cake (see picture) avocados and....paper (don't worry everything came out alright).

5 1/2 month picture

2007-11-09T19:32:00.000-08:00

5 1/2 months, 19.1 pounds...oh my goodness.

Family

2007-11-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

I think I said it in passing a week or two ago, "my family". I know that when we got married Terry and I were a family, but there is something very different about us now. I always dreamed my family consisting of children. But it wasn't until last week when I heard myself say my family needs to spend time together...and behind that simple statement I felt such a sense of completion, wholeness and warmth. I know that the Lord has much more for me to do, as well as me to learn. But I don't feel such a sense of longing like longing to be married, having kids and so on....you know, the struggle for contentment. Once again, I just feel so blessed by these gifts of my husband and my daughter.

Also, last night we went to our annual Harvest Fair at church (Thanks SARAH!!) and I sat there holding my very tired baby after a crazy day at work. She was dressed in her little lady bug suit, her calves cold because she outgrew the costume. As I bundled her almost asleep body close to mine with a cozy blanket I took in the scene. Children everywhere, families having fun, great music. I could see my husband working hard cooking for the event across the way. There was fall everywhere...that's another blessing our church family. We don't know each and every person, some were very close to, but all of us share a common bond. I love that my daughter will grow up in this, I never had it. I hope she appreciates this type of family.

For Stephanie

2007-10-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

Hey Stephanie...I think you have my email wrong its kathleenconaway@hotmail.com or jcon717@yahoo.com I can't see your blog :)

I'm Sitting up and GO PACK GO!

2007-10-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

The packers won again tonight!!! Presley is sitting up by herself...after all that work, she takes a rest :)

Life goes on...

2007-10-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

If I am going to blog...it will have to be short. I am working fulltime again...It is the most painful thing to leave Presley everyday. I cry most days but I will PRAISE THE LORD.

Check this out- my work is letting me begin at 11:30 everyday AFTER I breastfeed Presley. I get two thirty-minute, give or take, breaks to pump and half the time, I leave campus to do so. They gave me an asassistant Director and I am done at 6 every night. PRAISE THE LORD.

True, life is crazy. Drive 45 minutes in traffic, pick up baby, home at 7:15, bath at 7:30, feed at 8. Dinner, get pump, lunch, bottles ready, wash dishes, clean a bit hang out with Terry. Bed...did we eat dinner???? Feed at 4am sleep another hour, baby up, "Terry please get her" baby in bed sleep with mommy for another hour, Terry sleeps in babies room another hour. Up for reals at 8, feed baby, play with her for a hour, back down for nap. Shower, out the door for another day with 50 kids that fill my life with so much joy!

It's my life right now, with my family...I feel so blessed.

SLEEEPPPPPP AT LASSSSTTTT

2007-10-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ok...I am a little giddy. I just had 7 hours of straight sleep with on little wake-up at 4 to look at the monitor to see how Presley was doing. She was still asleep and I contemplated going and pumping but I decided against it even though my boobs were not only as big but as hard as real melons!

A little background. We moved Presley (4 months) to her crib last week with the hopes she would sleep better. She did, but she still was doing that regressed thing where she wanted to nurse every 3 hours. I considered it a growth spurt and we road it out for a while. After about 2 weeks we decided to put a stop to it.

We started on the weekend so Terry could be the main comforter when she looked for food at 3 am and didn't get it. We figured if she saw me it would be the biggest disappointment of her life to expect to be comforted by a full booby and then not get it!

The first couple nights she cried it out with us going in on her and reassuring her etc. but after the first night she caught on quickly.

I really didn't need her to sleep 10 HOURS without eating...I was hoping for 6! But for the last 2 nights she has gone about 10 hours.

I'm sure that she will probably settle at a little less for now...but honestly this is a HUGE example to me of how God waits to the last hour and comes through. I am going back to work in a week and a half. I run a daycare center for school-aged kids. Its a fulltime, salaried on your feet running groups of 5-12year olds all day! I was very scared at what my life would look like on 5 hours a sleep broken up by 2 feedings. He knew that and for the sake of growing me further He makes me wait, wait and trust that the Lord will work things out.

I certainly waited, but trust was a another issue! Hopefully I'm a little closer next time.

I feel so taken care of by the Lord.

By the way the picture is Presley and cousin parker who is 15 months and will spending the day with Presley when Parker's mommy comes over to our house to watch Pres. He's trying very hard to use gentle hands!

Her own room

2007-09-26T22:54:00.000-07:00

How am I ever going to handle letting Presley go??? Tonight we put her in her own room, in her crib for the first time. She hates taking naps there, probably because she hates taking naps too begin with, but she's sleeping now for about 2 hours. I sit here, feeling somewhat sad and empty because my little baby is growing up! Listen to me, what the heck is wrong with me???? She's only 4 months, not going into kindergarten , high school or 18! What if she can't breathe? What if she is scared? What if someone takes her and I can't get to her??? Now I'm being plain silly.

I have said and preached it "don't hold onto anything too tightly". Yet I am holding on to Presley so tight. I know this is the beginning of letting her go and letting God be in charge.

My prayer is that I trust in the Lord, and not hold onto what is really not mine anyway, too tightly. Besides, I've got the video baby monitor right next to my ear.

2007-09-24T11:35:00.001-07:00

Presley, before you were born I had already thought of you 10 x a million. Before you were born I would lay on the couch dreaming of your beautiful eyes. When you would move in my tummy I would close my eyes, wrap my arms around my belly and whisper "I love you". When you were just a pea inside me I would pray for you all the time and turn the music up in the car so I was sure you could hear. I would talk to you all the time about all the people you would soon meet. I would cry telling you I wanted to be a good mommy for you. When you were in my belly a day NEVER went by that I didn't treasure you growing inside me. I loved you before I met you, before I saw you, before I knew you.

Before God gave life to you in my tummy I dreamed of you a thousand times. You were my hearts desire that only God knew just how precious to me you were. Daddy and I would talk about you all the time. We would exchange what we would do with you, what we would teach you, and how we would love you. Daddy and I wanted you so much before you began in my tummy.

Even before daddy and I got married, I was dreaming about your smile. Before I even met your daddy I thought of you. Before prom, heartbreaks, awkward stages and even kindergarten....all the way down to when I was 3 feet tall I thought of you. I would dress you up in adorable clothes, take care of you, feed you, change you, talk to you, love you, kiss you. You were my little doll that I took every where.

Presley before you were here, were in my tummy, all the way back to when I was a little girl I have waited for you. Oh how you were worth the wait.

Thank-you father for this amazing, incredible blessing that is my baby girl.

2007-09-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Before I was a Mom…
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom…
I slept as late as I wanted.
And never worried about how late I got
into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth every day.

Before I was a Mom…
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words
to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom…
I didn’t worry whether or not my plants
were poisonous.
I never thought about immunisations.

Before I was Mom…
I had never been puked on,
Pooped on,
Spat on,
Chewed on,
Peed on,
Or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom…
I had complete control of my mind,
My thoughts.
My body,
And my time.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom…
I never held down a screaming child,
So that doctors could do tests,
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and
cried.
I never got gloriously happy over
a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours
at night
Watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom…
I never held a sleeping baby just because.
I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million
pieces.
When I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom…
I didn’t know the feeling of having my
heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel to
feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond between a mother
and her child.
I didn’t know that something so smallCould make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom…
I had never risen in the middle of the night .
Every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
The joy,
The love,
The heartache,
The wonderment,
Or the satisfaction of being a
Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable
of feeling so
Much before I was a Mom!

Bring on that pacifier!

2007-09-18T08:58:00.001-07:00

Last night, unfortunately, is becoming more common for our nights. During her last feeding of the night she gets fussy and distracted. With the help of some tummy massage and leg exercise, she has a HUGE bowel movement. She finishes eating after I change her diaper...and her clothes. Then goes to sleep no problem. Wakes up 4 to 5 hours later wanting to eat...and ends up having a fussy night.

This is a far cry from what she used to do, and what she CAN do. She used to do 9pm eat 9:45 sleep 3 pm eat 3:30 sleep 7:30 wake-up eat. She has gone 7-8 hours many times without eating. I had this crazy idea to sleep train her into holding her 8 hour nights and she fought back with a vengeance!!!

Last night while I was curled up in fetal position on our recliner trying to drown out Presley crying in our room (Terry had already made his way to the living room)....Terry suggested giving her a pacifier. I snapped back at my poor husband (who has to get up early to go to work) "that won't work". He kindly(yet firmly) reminded me that I am not the only one that knows how to take care of Presley and I should try it.

3 hours later (that would be 6:30am now) after giving in and feeding her, burping her and her laughing at mommy wanting to play at 5 in the morning...I gave her the pacifier. What-do-ya-know???? It worked. Next thing I know, Terry is standing over me at 8:30am while I am in bed (with the baby...I get desperate sometimes) wagging his finger at me because Presley, sleeping like a baby, still has her cute little pacifier in her mouth (she's still sleeping now and it's 9:15am). Terry has a lot of grace with my stubborn self.

In spite of all the good and bad things about pacifiers and using them at night....I sure hope this sticks.

PS. Presley will be moving from bassinet in our room to crib in her room after my dad comes over today and puts up her blinds in her room.

Off to work

2007-09-17T13:33:00.000-07:00

Well...even though I am headed back into the workforce, God is making a way! My sister-in-law, who has two girls that Terry and I are extremely close too will be watching her 3 days a week and Mallory my brothers girlfriend will be watching her in our home 2 days a week. I can not even BEGIN to describe how at peace I feel knowing that Presley will be with her cousins whom she loves...and their mommies who love Presley so much. I kept having nightmares of her in day cares getting pushed around and left out by other kids...I know that's probably not what would have happened...much, but being a childcare director myself I have come to learn a thing or two about daycare. And at least when she is pushed around it will be by her 15 month cousin Parker! It will help prepare her for siblings later on maybe??

We have a bit of a challenge going on with me not being able to nurse two of her feedings. She is strictly nursed because I can't seem to pump out enough milk to replace a feeding. She does not do well on formula so far...but I have not really gave that enough time probably. We see a specialist on the 27th for her reflux so maybe he can give us some supplements to try....I'll post again when we have more info, but in the mean time if you can pray that I can pump enough at one time it will solve this probably right away!

She's Talking!

2007-09-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

On Saturday Terry, Presley and I went up to our church's high school retreat where I was set to lead worship and we were looking forward to spending time with our awesome highschoolers. In the care on the way up, I had to feed Presley so we pulled over at the bottom of the 18 and I had a Del Taco hamburger for the first time and we all ate in the care at the same time. After Presley was finished nursing Terry was playing with her and she started laughing...pretty much for the first time. And then....she found her voice. At first it was just a little "ahh" then it got louder and louder. She is definitely pulling it from a different place in her throat. Now it's pretty much the only sound she's using.

We were over at a Davese's last night and as Presley was proudly making her new sounds Davese said something along the lines as once little girls begin to talk it never really stops...I think this blog somewhat proves that!

Maybe you have seen the commercial where the dad is driving with his little girl and she is telling this elaborate story. They get home, and he hesitates getting out of the car to go get her because he does not want her to think he's not listening. He carefully gets out, walks around the front of the car and opens her door...and Dad was thankful that she was still talking and she didn't skip a beat even though he was outside the car for a minute!

This is one of the reasons I wanted kids...I would have been happy with a girl or a boy, but God knew what I needed I love having a girl. I can't wait to hear what she thinks about the world. I work with about 50 kids daily and am quite used to "chatter" day in and day out. But now it won't be the chatter of other children, it Will be my own.

I don't know if she is actually trying to convey something to me, or just likes hearing her sounds. I don't really care because I know it will turn into new ways my daughter and I will communicate with each other...and being a daughter myself it might not always be loving communication! It almost feels like Presley and I are creating our own little language between the two of us that is so sweet and special.

He will make a way

2007-09-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

I feel like my heart is in constant motion. I always have a list going of what I have to do that has been on the back burner (like thank-you cards), cleaning I have to do, boxes to empty, calls I need to make and ways that I could bring in the extra income necessary so I can stay home with Presley. My husband has an awesome job and an awesome boss (props to Chad :) he works harder than anyone I know...but anyone that lives in So Cal, and bought a home after the boom knows how crazy it is to have one parent stay home.

In 4 weeks and 2 days I am going back to work. I have been off since April 27th! In the mean time Tasha, the interim director is running the center while I am away. She has done a great job, the only thing is I will have next to NO staff when I get back to work. This poses a challenge because I will have to work from 7:00am -8:30am and 11:15-6 and at least 2 days a week I will be working from 7am to 6pm when we have meetings.

How will this every be possible? How will it be possible when our childcare is in Fullerton? How will be possible without missing meetings and deadlines? How will I make dinner every night? How will I take care of my husband and my baby? How can I be away from my baby all day long when I am all she's known for the last 4 1/2 months? How is it possible to drop her off every day at 9:30, and pick her up at 6:45 make dinner, bathe her, feed her spending 2 hours a day with her???? How??? This is the impossible I was talking about on the last post...

It seems that God wants us to do the impossible. I can see why...this will usher me into a place of maturity that I have never been. A place of discipline I have never known. I will need to be organized, and ready to work hard...work hard at work, work hard at home, work hard at my marriage, work hard at being a mom, work hard at my walk with Jesus.

I am not in the river right now. I am not even in a desert. I don't know where I'm at...maybe I'll have a metaphor after this season is over. But that is what this is, a season and it won't last forever.

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way. He works in ways, we can not see, HE WILL MAKE A WAY FOR ME.

2007-09-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

I watch how Terry is with Presley. He is so attentive, committed, focused, loving and every awesome attribute that makes a wonderful father. But the one that touches me the most is that he so trusting. You can tell that Presley feels so safe in his arms. I can see that she knows that her father will do everything and anything to be there for her in life. This is a father.

God is requiring me to trust in him right now. He is requiring me to have faith that He will work out the impossible that's in my life right now. He wants me to trust Him just like Presley trusts her earthly father. My husband has once again blessed me in that he has shown me through his relationship with our daughter the relationship my Heavenly father wants with me.

I am going through a situation in life right now that Gods wants me to trust Him that He is in control. That He is at work and that I can trust that He will do everything and anything to be there for me.

Presley is a princess

2007-09-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with Presley, I remember commenting to my friend that I hate clothes, toys, items or anything for girls that say Princess on them. I felt that it creates a complex for a girl that she deserves to get whatever she wants. I want my daughter to be humble and caring not a diva who wants everything her way.

It's funny because the same friend I told that too gave Presley this crown (actually it was part of the welcome home baby decorations on our home). This same friend has a daughter who is compassionate, considerate, caring, funny, passionate, giving, loving, someone I would like Presley to learn from....and this girl was told she was a princess.

I had it all wrong.... Presley is a princess, I want her to believe in confidence that she is a prized daughter of the Lord, royalty, that ought to be treated with respect by any boy she considers marrying. I want her to live life knowing that she is far too important for anyone to treat her heart or body with disrepect. Too humble and kind to participate in populatrity contests. Too precious to subcomb to the latest fads that could harm her. She should know that God formed her in my womb. His thoughts for her outnumber the grains of sand on earth. She must know that she is His Princess.

Presley should also know that she should, like a princess should, love others and treat them with kindness and compassion. That with this "crown" comes great responsibility.

He's holding us

2007-09-06T21:17:00.000-07:00

Today Presley had her second round of shots. I, being a first time mom, wasn't prepared and didn't know that she was going to get them. We spent 2 hours at the doctors today just waiting to see the doctor and then an additional 40 minutes. Presley is such a good baby.

When the nurse administered the shots and Presley started to cry, I nestled my face as close to hers telling her its okay over and over. I was kissing her while she was crying. Tears were pouring down her face. I kept wanting to convey to her somehow that I wasn't trying to hurt her, that this was good for her. I wanted her to know that it is because I love her that I allow this pain. There was a deep sadness in my heart that she could not understand this.

Oh....doesn't that sound familiar? During the commotion, I could feel in my heart somewhere that Christ must feel the same way. Holding us through our pain. How many times do we ask God "why are you allowing me to suffer like this?". Even though I think we can experience situations where we can be in God's shoes, so to speak, it still often times hurts so much that we can't see it for what it is...Just like mothers and fathers, God allows us to hurt because in the bigger picture it's good for us.

My Husband

2007-08-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

My Husband Terry is an amazing person. For those who know him, they know that he is very organized, driven, passionate, dedicated, loyal, funny as heck, selfless, a leader, a self taught frugal shopper and.... a pack rat. I'm quite the opposite, poor fella, I am not organized, I'm very selective on what I am driven about (it's kinda like a switch), I struggle with serving, I am not very inclined to save money and while I don't like clutter I'm can be messy but I am not a pack rat. If it hasn't been used in a while, toss it. It has been the source of many...shall I say.... frustrating moments. But I am happy to say that I have never been one to throw away his "stuff".

Terry has had a very long road. A road that started in Taiwan 31 years ago. Things didn't really come easy for Terry and when he came to the states at 9, he wasn't treated very well by the kids at school and even the teachers. What is amazing to me is that through his whole life he remained tender to people. He loves people. His whole life is about people. Believe it or not, the big screen TV he bought is for people to enjoy when they come over. His DVD's are rarely seen until people come over or want to borrow them. The Lemonade stand he bought was for the kids in his life that bring him joy. All the cooking gadgets he has (George Foreman, sandwich makers etc.) are used when he cooks for people. And the "stuff" he holds onto are linked to precious people that often times are no longer here, or they live far away.

I treasure this way about him. I have never met someone with such heart...and he chose to marry me.

A very bold post

2007-08-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

Over the past years I have had goals. Goals that would glorify God, make me happy, and fulfill my life. These goals were the desires of my heart, the prayers I whispered in my bed at night and sometimes outright begged the Lord to make these things happen quicker.

I had a goal of meeting a man that loves Jesus and that I would love...I did. I had a goal of marrying that man....I did. I had a goal of loving my job and moving up...I did. I had a goal of having a baby with that man....I did. I had a goal of buying a home with my husband...we did.

Here I am with everything that I have wanted all my life...and yet in a season in my life where I am in one of my biggest trials yet. It's not because I didn't really want this life, I would not trade it for anything. I know it's not because I don't love my husband and daughter more than my own breath. It's not because I walked away from the Lord.

It's because slowly over the past months I replaced my number one source of happiness, joy, peace, love and reason for existence with things, events and people. I didn't really see it happen because after all, these were all blessings from the Lord Himself! This is what God planned for my life, how could I get it mixed up.

No matter how amazing, loving and supportive my beautiful Terry is to me, no matter how wonderful and precious my baby girl is, no matter how awesome my church family is, no matter how great a job I have if I don't see Jesus as my ultimate source of comfort, peace and joy I will be dissatisfied. People who don't know Christ may say I'm crazy to think that my little girl in herself is not enough to make me endlessly happy (wow, what a burden to put on a child) I can see how before being a christian all I had was the hope that people would be perfect and never disappoint. But as a christian (and anyone for that matter) we know that all will fail us, everything will disappoint at some time, it is only Christ who holds the keys to our hearts and will never fail.

I'm sure that much of the trial I have experienced in the last 3 months has to do with being a new mom, buying a house and moving not to mention these crazy raging hormones...but it has become clear to me over the last few days that I have lost site of my first love.

God has blessed me with some really great people in my life. Some that have been a source of strength during and after pregnancy, some that laugh with me, some that support me and are there for me when I need them. (I sure hope they know I'm there for them too) Well, one of my dear friends gave me a necklace on Sunday that simply said blessed. There was a lot of commotion going on when she gave it to me, which was good because I usually cry about stuff like that. But what she said to me really hit home, I think God's been telling people things :) When I opened it, while I was saying my thank-yous she said, "I just want you to know how blessed you are". She probably had know idea that God greatly convicted me after that. Blessed....But do I know how blessed I am? Yes, I have been blessed, my husband, daughter and the list goes on. But what I lost site of is that the most amazing, incredible blessing I have IS my Jesus. He never fails, He's always faithful. His love for me will never stop. He died for all my "yuckies". He fills my heart (when I seek Him) with an indescribable joy, and a truth that when all things pass away He will still be there. That is my ultimate blessing.

I woke up today and talked with my first love. I asked the source of my everything to go before me and prepare my day. I asked Him to fix my heart, make it soft again. I asked he to help me die to myself so that I can love others. I told him I'm sorry for ignoring him. I thanked him for everything...

(Psalms 107:9 )For he satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness

2007-08-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

This is the day we got the keys to our new home!

This was taken at the park when Presley was about 12 weeks old

This is my favorite smile of hers, she just smiles with her whole body

Practical update

2007-08-28T12:54:00.001-07:00

For all those that keep up with our lives through this blog...this ones for you. Presley is continuing to grow mentally and physically. She smiles all the time and has chuckled a few times...I can't wait to hear her laugh. She loves to lie on her back and grab at the toys that hang from her play gym. She grabs them, and I swear she loves to just take whacks at them and is very delighted when she squeezes them as hard as she can. When she is on her belly, she can almost lift herself up supporting her head on her hands and arms. She loves taking her nightly bath and she is beginning to splash in the bathtub. She likes to stretch her legs all the way to the end of the tub (it's a baby size). She likes to watch her baby Einstein video, play in her vibrating bouncy seat and floor gym. When I make dinner at night I put her in her bouncy vibrating seat up on the counter and she is usually fine the whole time in the kitchen while I make dinner. She also likes going in the excersaucer and even though it's a tad to big I prop her up and she loves it! The other day she grabbed a chopstick of the table when I was holding her....minutes before I told Terry that soon she would be grabbing things off the table and we would have to be careful.

She gets up around 7 everyday eats about every 3 hours with her last feeding at around 9pm just after her bath. She falls asleep right after she eats and goes down in her bassinet at about 9:45. She gets up between 5 and 7 hours later to eat and then goes right back to sleep and another day begins around 7am.

She is a great baby that loves people and is very interested in everything around her. She smiles alot, but she is also showing some stubborn traits...I wonder where she gets that from??? Uncle Henry if you are reading this....I know she will love to hear you sing because she looovvveeess music.

It's really amazing to watch a child grow. As a mother from the moment you see the pink line on the pregnancy test you are amazed at how life is created. I clearly remember the first flutters of Presley moving in my tummy. I remember hearing her heartbeat for the first time. I remember when I delivered her and how fragile and precious she was. It blows me away how amazing and creative God is. There is really no other explanation for the miracle of life other than God does it.

On another note...since there are other things going on in life besides the our baby girl (at least there needs to be) we bought a house and moved a couple miles closer to old town orange and we love it. I mentioned in previous posts how God's fingerprints are all over this miracle. I am going back to work on October 15th. It's really awesome because my Boss has held my job for me for almost half a year. The law only requires them to hold a "like" position for me. Terry continues to work his hinnie off at work. Terry's mom, Elaine and his step dad Steve have been out in California quite a bit for business. Our days usually consist of unpacking, spending time with each other, family and friends, church and we are....blessed.

My Parents

2007-08-23T12:40:00.000-07:00

Having a baby has made me see so many things in a different light. One of them is my parents. As I care for my new "little bundle of joy" I feel as though my parents, who have "finished" their parenting have picked up where they left off parenting me once again. It's not like when I was a teenager where they were my authority, its not like when I was a school-ager where they were teaching me the important things in life, its like when I was a baby . My father spends a good amount of time working on our house, changing out light fixtures, hanging paintings, picking me up lunch and spending time with me. My mother, after her long work days, often runs errands, brings dinner for Terry and I and drops what she is doing to help in any way.

It's no secret that growing up in the Conaway household had its rough moments. There are still a few hurts left, but we are long past the blame game. My parents did their absolute best. My father, who never had a father was a loving and gentle dad of which I preferred no one else to tend to my owies. He took care of the spiders in my room, brought me water at night and calmed me with his soothing deep voice with bed time stories.

My mother who in some ways never had a mother. My grandmother struggled with serious depression most of my mothers life. I was all my mother prayed for in having a daughter, but once I arrived and began to show my strong willed nature I was more than most parents could handle. My mother was one who went back in the work force, in a foreign country, just to pay for my Christian schooling, and would sacrifice just for me. She endured much, for me.

So what makes me think its like when I was a newborn? I'm not sure really, but being a new mom has made me, at times, feel as helpless as my little Presley. Just like my baby girl looks to me for comfort, I feel myself looking to my parents for comfort. They are not perfect, and I don't need them to be anymore...they are just two people who love me more than themselves....still after all these years. And I understand that love now, having my own. I know its time once again for me to continues to grow in my strength in the Lord and grow my own family. But it has been a time of reconciliation for me and my parents with the birth of my baby. I have never loved and...here's the real kicker...appreciated my parents more than I do now.

Pictures coming soon :)

My "New Mothers" Heart

2007-08-14T15:47:00.000-07:00

Presley turned 3 months yesterday. In some aspects, it has been the longest 3 months, and in others, like everybody says, it has gone by too fast. I find myself writing this blog today through tears. It could be 3 months of being sleepless, having no clue what I am doing, figuring out my new daughter, struggling through the painful "art of breastfeeding" worry and the list goes on..... But these tears are not leaving me empty, or alone they are coming from a very warm place in my heart. They are coming from my new mothers heart. As I look at this amazing life that lived inside me for 9 months, this life that I so strongly protected from the minute I knew I was pregnant with her. I immediately gave up my 3 cup a day coffee habit, wouldn't take a Tylenol and even quit eating cold cuts (don't ask). I worried every day that she would be okay. I couldn't wait too hold her, look at her, love her and make it all okay when she was sad.

I can't really pinpoint where the transition from staying afloat to grabbing the lifesaver that Christ is, happened. There were a lot of low points that I cried out to the Lord for help. I think I would grab it, sit there for a while too catch my breath, then stupidly jump back into the water (the fear, the doubt).

But today I cry because I love her so much. My heart is definitely more burdened. I worry about her heart. I worry about Presley feeling hurt, pain, sadness, loneliness. A kiss from Mommy or hugs from Daddy will not always be enough.

It's funny, all the things I dreamed of before the baby came are not the things that bring me the most joy. I don't enjoy being Disneyland to a infant at 6am in the morning. I don't enjoy 3 minute showers, and I certainly don't enjoy the lack of a shower! I don't enjoy shoving food in my mouth faster than a chubby 10 year old boy at a pie eating contest. I don't enjoy 2am feedings...and 4 am feedings on some nights.

Ohhh...but I do enjoy looking down at Presley while nursing just to see the biggest and brightest smile and sweetest eyes looking my way. I enjoy her sweet smelling head after a bath. I do enjoy picking up my crying and unhappy baby and having the ability too calm her. I love seeing her explore her new world and once in a while look around for mommy to make sure I'm close by. I enjoy her casually slipping her entire hand around one of my fingers when she's just relaxing on me. I enjoy her...I love her...with a love I have never known. One that would die for her, endure pain and sacrifice for her, one that will never end, not ever.

From Swing to Bassinet

2007-08-06T10:09:00.001-07:00

Well... Presley is no longer sleeping in her swing and is now in her bassinet for all nap times and night time. She is gradually shifting her sleep schedule from 10-7 with a feeding in between to 8-6with a feeding in between. We just started supplement 2 oz. of formulas in afternoon feeding which seems to be going ok. I am trying to slowly prepare us for going back to work. For example I could totally give her a pumped bottle at night...but when I go back to work I will definitely want to breast feed for that feeding. So I am giving it to her in the afternoon because that is when she Will eventually have to take a bottle.

In church on Sunday as I was thinking about all these things in my life right now and I was asking the Lord to help little Presley nap better in the day and sleep longer at night and I really felt like the Lord was saying to ask for rest, resting in Him and not sleep. In fact I rarely feel the effects of little sleep...I think as a mom you don't need as much but it takes a while for you to realize you don't need 7-8 hours a night anymore. So that is what I am asking for, that I would rest in him.

What a doll!

2007-08-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm really a mom???

2007-08-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

So far I think that the most frustrating part about being a parent is not knowing which advice or method to follow. If I knew that letting her "cry it out" was the best for her I'd do it, but I'm not sure that leaving a 2 month old alone crying hysterically is the best for Presley. However I know that not napping during the day is not good for her either. I am doing my best to follow her cues, putting her down drowsy but awake. The only thing that ensures her sleeping is me rocking her, singing to her and letting her sleep in my arms. I know that is not good either. For starters I am going back to work in 2 months and how will she do if the only way she naps is in someones arms...so I rarely do it. I only do that if she had a tough night and I didn't sleep and I am too exhausted to cater my whole day around her napping.

Last night she was up every hour beginning at 11:00 and is still fussing...but I am still putting in a good effort to get her to nap today without me holding her. I also am trying to put her in the bassinet because I think that she is getting to big for the swing she's been sleeping in and may be uncomfortable. We've been putting her in the swing because she needs to sleep a little upright due to her reflux. I stood by the bassinet and patted her for about 20 minutes and then prayed for her and walked away. I also put on a lullaby CD for her. It helps to write in my blog when I am trying to get her down...to help me stay sane!

I can see though why it is important to "struggle" along with your child. I think these are the times that you become closer. As much as it sucks she won't just fall asleep easily, there is nothing like me going to her side when she is crying and when she opens her eyes and sees me she smiles so big in between cries. I am starting to feel like she really wants me there, I'm not just a boob...I'm the comfort for her when she is upset, the lady who makes her laugh and makes her happy when I sing to her. Sometimes my heart falls off a cliff when I think about what would I do if I lost her? I'll let the Lord worry about that....

Some cute pictures...

2007-07-31T12:42:00.000-07:00

Isn't he cute?

She's already trouble...

Isn't she the cutest ever!