My "New Mothers" Heart

Presley turned 3 months yesterday. In some aspects, it has been the longest 3 months, and in others, like everybody says, it has gone by too fast. I find myself writing this blog today through tears. It could be 3 months of being sleepless, having no clue what I am doing, figuring out my new daughter, struggling through the painful "art of breastfeeding" worry and the list goes on..... But these tears are not leaving me empty, or alone they are coming from a very warm place in my heart. They are coming from my new mothers heart. As I look at this amazing life that lived inside me for 9 months, this life that I so strongly protected from the minute I knew I was pregnant with her. I immediately gave up my 3 cup a day coffee habit, wouldn't take a Tylenol and even quit eating cold cuts (don't ask). I worried every day that she would be okay. I couldn't wait too hold her, look at her, love her and make it all okay when she was sad.


I can't really pinpoint where the transition from staying afloat to grabbing the lifesaver that Christ is, happened. There were a lot of low points that I cried out to the Lord for help. I think I would grab it, sit there for a while too catch my breath, then stupidly jump back into the water (the fear, the doubt).


But today I cry because I love her so much. My heart is definitely more burdened. I worry about her heart. I worry about Presley feeling hurt, pain, sadness, loneliness. A kiss from Mommy or hugs from Daddy will not always be enough.


It's funny, all the things I dreamed of before the baby came are not the things that bring me the most joy. I don't enjoy being Disneyland to a infant at 6am in the morning. I don't enjoy 3 minute showers, and I certainly don't enjoy the lack of a shower! I don't enjoy shoving food in my mouth faster than a chubby 10 year old boy at a pie eating contest. I don't enjoy 2am feedings...and 4 am feedings on some nights.




Ohhh...but I do enjoy looking down at Presley while nursing just to see the biggest and brightest smile and sweetest eyes looking my way. I enjoy her sweet smelling head after a bath. I do enjoy picking up my crying and unhappy baby and having the ability too calm her. I love seeing her explore her new world and once in a while look around for mommy to make sure I'm close by. I enjoy her casually slipping her entire hand around one of my fingers when she's just relaxing on me. I enjoy her...I love her...with a love I have never known. One that would die for her, endure pain and sacrifice for her, one that will never end, not ever.