A very bold post

Over the past years I have had goals. Goals that would glorify God, make me happy, and fulfill my life. These goals were the desires of my heart, the prayers I whispered in my bed at night and sometimes outright begged the Lord to make these things happen quicker.

I had a goal of meeting a man that loves Jesus and that I would love...I did. I had a goal of marrying that man....I did. I had a goal of loving my job and moving up...I did. I had a goal of having a baby with that man....I did. I had a goal of buying a home with my husband...we did.

Here I am with everything that I have wanted all my life...and yet in a season in my life where I am in one of my biggest trials yet. It's not because I didn't really want this life, I would not trade it for anything. I know it's not because I don't love my husband and daughter more than my own breath. It's not because I walked away from the Lord.

It's because slowly over the past months I replaced my number one source of happiness, joy, peace, love and reason for existence with things, events and people. I didn't really see it happen because after all, these were all blessings from the Lord Himself! This is what God planned for my life, how could I get it mixed up.

No matter how amazing, loving and supportive my beautiful Terry is to me, no matter how wonderful and precious my baby girl is, no matter how awesome my church family is, no matter how great a job I have if I don't see Jesus as my ultimate source of comfort, peace and joy I will be dissatisfied. People who don't know Christ may say I'm crazy to think that my little girl in herself is not enough to make me endlessly happy (wow, what a burden to put on a child) I can see how before being a christian all I had was the hope that people would be perfect and never disappoint. But as a christian (and anyone for that matter) we know that all will fail us, everything will disappoint at some time, it is only Christ who holds the keys to our hearts and will never fail.

I'm sure that much of the trial I have experienced in the last 3 months has to do with being a new mom, buying a house and moving not to mention these crazy raging hormones...but it has become clear to me over the last few days that I have lost site of my first love.

God has blessed me with some really great people in my life. Some that have been a source of strength during and after pregnancy, some that laugh with me, some that support me and are there for me when I need them. (I sure hope they know I'm there for them too) Well, one of my dear friends gave me a necklace on Sunday that simply said blessed. There was a lot of commotion going on when she gave it to me, which was good because I usually cry about stuff like that. But what she said to me really hit home, I think God's been telling people things :) When I opened it, while I was saying my thank-yous she said, "I just want you to know how blessed you are". She probably had know idea that God greatly convicted me after that. Blessed....But do I know how blessed I am? Yes, I have been blessed, my husband, daughter and the list goes on. But what I lost site of is that the most amazing, incredible blessing I have IS my Jesus. He never fails, He's always faithful. His love for me will never stop. He died for all my "yuckies". He fills my heart (when I seek Him) with an indescribable joy, and a truth that when all things pass away He will still be there. That is my ultimate blessing.

I woke up today and talked with my first love. I asked the source of my everything to go before me and prepare my day. I asked Him to fix my heart, make it soft again. I asked he to help me die to myself so that I can love others. I told him I'm sorry for ignoring him. I thanked him for everything...

(Psalms 107:9 )For he satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness