Go Away

So, we often tell our dog cinder to go "night night" or even "go away". Well isn't it just funny that when I told Presley "no" this morning as she was trying to destroy Terry's XBOX 360, she told me to .... "go away".

Funny thing is, she said it so sweetly.

Presley

Thanks Sarah! This is verrryy cool!

Who does God say my Daughter is????

I have never really given much thought to the fact that I am in an interracial marriage. Truly, I find more humor in our differences than frustration (we'll laugh about that in another post). But I thought long and hard about it last weekend.

We were at Wal-mart. Cruising through the kids isle when a couple walked passed me. Right on the neck of a guy with a shaved head, dirty clothes and equally disturbing girl that was with him...was a swastika. That's right, a swastika.


I stood there with Presley on my hip, shocked.


We live in southern California. My mother is from Scotland, with a Shrek accent and all, my sister in law through my brother is Japanese and my other brother has kids that are a quarter Mexican. I choose to surround myself with people who are not ignorant. While I think minor prejudices somewhat exist in all of us, to truly hate someone you have never met because they are not white...shocks me. Don't they know the history of the "white race"??? Don't they know where they came from???

As the man and woman walk passed me, an awkward unspoken moment happens and I look to my husband. He could really care less. He almost seemed immune. The old saying "I am rubber you are glue, what ever you say bounces off me and sticks to you".comes to mind.. He moved here when he was 9 from Taiwan and has encountered people like this all his life...so this is not shocking to him at all.


As they leave, he comes up to me and says "let's go". I walk by his side, my heart just plain grieved.

I wasn't grieved for me. I know people stare at Terry and I sometimes. I have always been proud to have married someone outside my race. I truly assume, if they are thinking anything, its..."how cool is she".

But, after I had Presley this is my second encounter with something like this. So I wasn't grieved for me, I was grieved for my daughter. I was grieved that she may encounter people who judge her just because of what she looks like, even worse hate her. The mother bear in me in visions tearing anyone apart who would possible harm my daughter, or want harm to come to her just because she is half Chinese. But that means I care what they think.

But...I don't want her to be like me, I want her to be like her father. He is so strong in my eyes. He could truly care less. He has more important things to do than think or worry what others think of him. He cares more about what God thinks of him. Again, he cares more about what God thinks of him.

So as I embark on this journey of raising a girl in America that is half white half chinese I ask God for wisdom. I want her to be more concerned with what God thinks of her than what others do. I don't want her to live in fear, or feel inadequate becuse of what some people in the world may say of her. I will raise my daughter not to look to "man" for her worth, but to God who says she is "fearfully and wonderfully" made.

I just want to hold her

As I put Presley to sleep tonight, I rocked her for an extra long time in the rocking chair. She was already sleeping deeply. It was a particularly busy day. I got home late, Terry picked up Presley and went to the market with her and got home late himself. Terry had to fix the sprinkler head, I made dinner, and Presley went to bed almost an hour late because we just didn't have enough time. I wanted to hold her for a little while longer before another day slips away from us. I love to sing Jesus loves me, but replace me with Presley. I found myself praying out loud "don't let her grow up". I even started to cry a little. Realizing the foolishness in that, I changed it to "help me let her grow up".

But its true...I don't want her to grow up. Honestly, I think that my own relationship with my mother casts a constant shadow on how I think things will be with Presley. Not should be, but will be. My mother and I fought since I can remember. A constant battle of authority. I love my mom, but to this day there are unhealthy aspects that are still there. We have overcome much. The Lord has broken many chains...

I know what the word says, that I am a new creation, that God has a plan for me and my daughter, and our relationship. I know He will restore what the locusts have eaten as the bible says. I truly am comforted in knowing that He knows my heart, that all I can do is keep my eyes on Him, submit my self to Him, and consciously turn away from the unhealthy mother/daughter examples of relationship I have only known...and love her father.

You have entrusted me with a human life. Please mold me into the mother you want me to be. Please mold our relationship into one that pleases you and glorifies you. I know that all I want to hold so tightly could pass away, but You will never leave me.

She is not mine, she is Yours....but while I have her, I want to love her, kiss her, breathe in every ounce of her and hold her as much as she will let me.

13 month update

Very handsome huh???

Thank-you Terry for giving me your old cell phone...I feel so IT like.

I attached a few pictures of Presley...most of them capture Mommy and baby time. Some precious moments are bath time, nursing when she wakes and goes to sleep, rolling around in the bed with mom and dad just before she goes to bed, walks in her little car, playing with cousins and being with us.

Some practical updates: She is now 13 months...crazy I know. Her milk allergy has mostly gone away so we are weaning her now. But she pretty much eats what we eat. She refuses baby food when she sees us eating something else. Apparently she is terrified of the bath tub. She loves babies, looking for pictures of them everywhere. She says a few words: Mama, Dada, baby, ball, dog or wowo, flower,baloon (she tries) so they sound more like flowy and bloon. She also mimics alot...and I think she understands alot too. Its getting hot here, so she mainly wears these cute little fancy onesies with a dress over the front. She has been sleeping in her own crib since she was about 4 months old (thanks again Shelly!) and sleeps from 8 to 7:30am. She has been going through this separation anxiety where she wakes up at night or early in the morning and has a hard time going down for naps. We have tried EVERYTHING since she was born (remember she the catnapping baby!). We do a mix of rocking, singing, crying it out...depends on her needs at the time. She is a very happy baby, but VERY strong willed. She is really showing determination and dominance. For example, if a cousin tries to take a toy, she screams and holds on to it. The problem is, in the church nursery, she grabs the toys from the other kids...oh boy.

Things are good, we are all super busy. Presley's Auntie Satoko still watches Presley during the day for about 6 hours, sometimes more, sometimes less. Terry and I are doing good and we are more times than not acting as a productive team. When we have long hard days, instead of taking it out on each other,we console each other! Who would have known that is much better!!

God has blessed me with great supportive staff at my work and kids that are great. We are right in the middle of summer program where we go on field trips and the workload doubles...but again God has blessed me. When things get hard, and they do when the balls start to drop, I am reminded quickly that it could be worse, so suck it up appreciate what you have and persevere and move on...after all I have MUCH to be grateful for.

That is all for now...a sincere thanks for your support!