Another good reason to work at my marriage

Two days ago, a little girl, who I have known for years, stood in front of me sobbing. She was sobbing because she couldn't hold it in any longer. She was overwhelmed with deadlines for school work, home life and life in general. Her parents are headed for divorce and she is very aware of her unstable environment.

It shook me. It's not that I have not dealt with this. I have dealt with much worse in my 9 years of school age daycare. What is different is that I have now known these families for so long, I have seen many of there second children follow their first through the center. I have watched their families over a 6 year span, specifically at this center. And in this case, watched the decline. I have first hand seen a stable, well adjusted child fall apart because of whats going on at home.

In the middle of the conversation with this child Terry calls.

"Hi babe. Just wanted to let you know I am on my way home. I love you."

I hang up and altogether at once in my head I was:

1. Utterly grateful that I enjoy life with Terry
2. Completely thankful that God manages our marriage
3. Committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to be married at 60....even if he were to not be.
4. That if I were to throw in the towel...I would be changing my children's lives forever because divorce and fighting in the home affects children.

Terry and I have been through a lot over the last 10 years. We have had some really disgusting times in terms of how we treated each other. Many seasons that brought on growth and change. But the latest one during our marriage for me was 4 months after Presley was born. I remember the scene perfectly. I was getting ready to go back to work and I was scared and overwhelmed. We had just bought our house. I cried out to the Lord saying how can I do this? How can our marriage whether such stress? Middle of the night feedings, full time work where I am on call day and night? I stood in the kitchen and Terry and I fought about dishes (source of many past fights...I am messy he is clean). He walked out the door and I clearly remember me crying out to the Lord I CAN"T DO THIS!!! And the Lord simply said inside my heart....serve Me.

In marriage, you live with another person. The whole relationship in many ways must be like a positive team that works together for the end goal. Our goal is to 1) stay married! but ultimately please God. But when we "serve" our spouses, as each one should the other, it really is serving the Lord. It is for the Lord. So when we are upset with the other, and we have met the end or our rope for that person, we can keep going because the things we do for the spouse, or the sake of the marriage, its's all for the Lord. And...the kicker, is He is our strength in our very weakness. When I am "done" being married. When I am "done" doing whatever it is in life that is overwhelming, in Him we find rest and peace for our weary souls. He miraculously fills us up and we can give more.

Right now...we are in a sweet, calm spot. We are like butter in our daily grind. He helps me, I help him, we are very motivated to do what it takes while we await this new baby and enjoy the one we have! But dark will come again, when life happens. The battle will continue all our lives. Keeping Jesus number one in our lives is our ONLY chance.

So....after that really long post...my point is that when this incident happened with the little girl, I was grateful for the marriage I have. But even more than that, grateful for the One who is my Shepard, my Helper, my Father, my Savior and my very present help in times of trouble.

Its ok

After two full days back at work following a 6 week leave, I am tired. Even though I am well out of the 1st trimester, I really don't feel like it. Still puky. I don't think I should be this tired because I go to bed before 10 and granted I wake up anywhere from 2 to 5 times at night. I wake up either to pee or Presley wakes up. Last night I woke up with some cramping that kept me up for about an hour and a half. So this morning Presley is next to me with some Cheerios and milk and I am a zombie. But thats ok. It's ok because I have a little growing baby in my tummy, and an adorable 19 month old toddler who makes my world go round. Its ok because I am married to a husband who completes me.
Its more than ok.

Back from the dead

I am officially in the "golden age" of pregnancy. The long awaited 2nd trimester that brings more sleepFUL nights, less trips to the bathroom (until the 3rd trimester that is) and a huge appetite. Still a little green here and there but NOTHING compared to what week 5 to 9 was. Yesterday after a day of whatever I seemed to touch was destroyed (my favorite 9X13 pyrex glass dish exploded in the kitchen) I still had not showered by 4pm. My goal was to have the house in order, the laundry done (or...almost done at least) and me showered with MAKE-UP on for when Terry got home. Mission was accomplished. He looked at me and I could tell he was surprised.

So here I am in the golden age of pregnancy and back from the dead.

It is no secret that like most brand spakin' new mom's, I struggled after Presley was born. After a baby is born, a lot of mothers will say that when they gazed upon their brand new long awaited budle of joy, it was love at first sight. For me, after all the labor and being awake for way too many hours straight pushing a human being out of a very small opening in my body, it was not love at first sight. I was so exhausted I could only muster up enough strength to turn my head to look at Presley across the room. I slept for 10 minutes... and then they were placing the baby in my arms...and there it was! Welcome to motherhood. Feed, change diaper, and it was all up to me to make sure I kept this tiny human being alive. I couldn't believe they were letting me leave the hospital! So I struggled. I even thought to myself "what did I get myself into?".

However, I can with all confidence say...that time passed (3monts to be exact) Presley and I are bonded like two peas in a pod. In fact I just put her down for a nap, and double took a look at her and for the millionth time couldn't believe that God has blessed me with such joy in being Presley's mother.

So, Sandy asked me last night if I think I will "struggle" in the same way after this baby.

The answer is-no. Now I can't say for absolute sure, but I really don't think so. You see, I went from feeling beautiful and pregnant on cloud nine with a picture perfect pregnancy to when the baby came...feeling fat, leaking milk, in pain up every two hours blah blah blah...you get the picture. This time, it hasn't been a picture perfect pregnancy, I look 6 months pregnant at 12 weeks, I can't wear cute maternity. Also, I know what's coming. Now I know I don't know what it's like with two...but I know childbirth HURTS. I know what a 3rd degree tear is...I know what up every two hours is...I know what acid reflux is...I know its hard. I know that SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK.

And more than anything...I know that my God will be there this time too. My shepard the one who makes me lie down in green pastures and restores my soul will be there as he is now.

Going back to bloggin roots...for me at least.

So, when I started this blog at the advice of Sarah Markely to help me deal with postpartum hell...I would throw my feelings into a every other day or so post. With this new pregnancy, I want to do the same (maybe not every other day though).

So of all things to get when your pregnant, a case of vertigo caused by a buildup of fluid in me ears. What the heck??? If you have never had this...try that relay race thing they do at church events where you spin a million times with your forehead on a bat then try and run...Never had this in my life (unless you count my "before I knew Jesus" teenage years, or back in 2003 when I met my soon to be inlaws in Taiwan where everyone drinks scotch at ever meal. Gumbay!)

So yesterday, I had to call Tamara to take me to the doctors because I couldn't drive. So now that I know it's not serious, its kinda funny. I just feel like I have had one too many (doesn't affect my mind though, so no excuses there).

So...In this pregnancy, I want to use this blog to document. Document the good, bad and the ugly...and sometimes funny of pregnancy.

Here we go again!

Well...here we go again, with baby number 2! I bet Terry $100 its a BOY...I am so sick with this pregnancy, I have decided it's the alien male sex inside of me (50% chance I will win).


I am 11 weeks, seen the heartbeat twice and all is well.

I have been out of work since November 14th with severe morning, brunch, noon, tea time and night...oh yeah almost forgot middle of the night sickness. Puking your guts out sickness. I was dehydrated for a while, so doc decided to put me off. I am feeling a little better now. Whatever it takes to keep baby healthy right???

By the way...I am now convinced that God gave me everything I needed in a husband. I can't imagine my life without him.

A Journal Entry

When I first started this blog, it was when Presley was a couple months old. I was stumbling through brand new motherhood and I felt terrified as the days flew by me that I could not hold onto my memories. I hate writing in journals so when Sarah told me I should start blogging it was really helpful in sorting through the craziness.

Well...that is what this post will be. Most likely read only by a few but to me it adds to the online journaling of the last year and a half. My memories on paper.


My heart bears a burden. This burden is birthed out of the deep bonded love between mother and child. Being a mother has, for me, offered completion. It has brought to life something deep inside of me to. I love my daughter more than my own life and she brings me pure joy. But this amazing relationship comes with a hefty price.

A BURDEN for a lifetime.

What makes it a burden will change over the years. Right now I worry when she is not with me, and even worry when she is (although I do feel more confident then in the beginning when I wondered how I was keeping this little tiny person alive!!) From the beginning I have always asked God to be gentle with my "mother's heart", that if and when it gets broken that he would put it back together.
Two weekends ago I was mopping the floor. I was going through a time where I felt like Presley didn't need me anymore (I also underestimated the power of changing hormones!!!). Presley hardly noticed/cared that her Mama wasn't coming with her when her Daddy and her were going to the market.

That was a first.


When they left I cried so hard that tears were actually falling to the floor (little dramatic huh?). In that small taste of what will come, I threw my heart into the Lord. For all of us, it will end face to face with the Lord. It really comes right back to the FACT that if all things pass away, if I were to lose everything....I will ALWAYS have Jesus, God in the flesh.

He is my lifeline. He is my all in all. He is.