I am increasingly getting to the point in life where I am DONE with everything that does not pertain to Terry and Presley.
I am growing weary of leaving my 21 month old and driving 10 miles to work. And work sucks up every OUNCE of energy I have in this pregnant overweight body! And when I say work...it's really dealing with all the administrative responsibilities...if I could just "be" with my kids at work I think I wouldn't feel this way. But I am preparing for a maternity leave, and one where I don't know if I am coming back, so after 9 years of making my mark I want to make sure that I leave the site organized as possible for those who may take my place.
I also think that there has just been a lot going on between putting our dog down after she mauled and killed the next door neighbors dog to other life experiences like death. Also, our church's women's retreat is coming up in two weeks and I am preparing to share how Christ rescued me from my depths 15 years ago (AND STILL IS!!). Satan is trying to steal the song out of my mouth so that I would have nothing to share that night!!
So I feel like I am treading water and I am getting tired. I just want a raft to come along and I can rest a while. I know that raft is resting in Jesus...but there ARE times in our lives He allows stuff to happen to stretch us, to mold us. But the extremely cliche statement is said often not because it is untrue, but because it is VERY true...He will NOT give us ANYTHING more that we can handle...but maybe it should really be said like this: He will not give us anything more than HE can handle for us.
So...Lord, it's me. You're pathetic, broken and lost child. I know one thing...You are the answer to all that I encounter good and bad. Please go before me in life and prepare my way. Protect me from the one who wants to destroy. Change my black heart that is angry, selfish and in a state of self-pity. Put a song from you in my soul that is untouchable. Please give me grace and wisdom. Forgive me for crying about life, when I haven't even asked for your help. Help me to see everything for what it is...I know you want the best for me. Please rescue me today.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Ultrasound Update
UPDATE**
Sorry...I didn't thank-you for praying!!! Also on another note, the baby was measuring 21 weeks 3 days, and according to before it was 20 weeks today...even though the doctor said they would go with the original dating...I am holding out for the reason I am sooo huge is not the 30 pounds of extra chunk I had before baby...but that I am further along (I know people...it's only a week and a half!!)
Original post:So we had our second ultrasound and they did not find any more markers...so the chances of any problems with chromosomes such as downs syndrome is incredibly unlikely and does not warrent further testing. I want to explain a little more about markers etc... the only way doctors would know for sure about problems like downs syndrome is if they did an amniocentesis which carries risk of fetal death. Basically in our case during a routine ultrasound they found a possible sign or marker of a chromosomal abnormality like down syndrome. Even though it was unlikely that it meant anything, they sent us to a second ultrasound to look for other signs, which they found none. They recommended no amnio (we wouldn't do it anyway) and they said the likely hood of anything resulting from this would be extremely surprising... and the genetics counselor even said that Kaiser is considering changing the standard of informing patients of an Echogenic Focus because they aren't even sure anymore if there is any relation to chromosomal abnormalities in the first place.
Ultimately as a christian, I don't play the game of odds...the odds mean nothing when everything GOOD AND BAD is cleared by my Father in heaven. He said that He causes ALL THINGS to work together for good (you know the verse). He knows the numbers of hairs on my head, his thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand and he has a plan for my life. A down syndrome baby would NOT be an "oops", it would be a part of the plan. Yes things do "happen" but then didn't happen without God knowing about it, and his approval.
We still don't know for absoulte sure if our son will have downs or not...we will just have to wait this one out until we meet our little man. But we are super excited for this baby and can't wait to meet him! This experience has brought Terry and I closer together, made us more compassionate about families with special needs, and challenged our faith and trust. Because here's the thing: We will never escape the what ifs in our lifetime. We will never escape pain and tragedy. But we can be sure of one thing-Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us, and He is the ultimate source of our peace, joy, happiness and completeness.
Sorry...I didn't thank-you for praying!!! Also on another note, the baby was measuring 21 weeks 3 days, and according to before it was 20 weeks today...even though the doctor said they would go with the original dating...I am holding out for the reason I am sooo huge is not the 30 pounds of extra chunk I had before baby...but that I am further along (I know people...it's only a week and a half!!)
Original post:So we had our second ultrasound and they did not find any more markers...so the chances of any problems with chromosomes such as downs syndrome is incredibly unlikely and does not warrent further testing. I want to explain a little more about markers etc... the only way doctors would know for sure about problems like downs syndrome is if they did an amniocentesis which carries risk of fetal death. Basically in our case during a routine ultrasound they found a possible sign or marker of a chromosomal abnormality like down syndrome. Even though it was unlikely that it meant anything, they sent us to a second ultrasound to look for other signs, which they found none. They recommended no amnio (we wouldn't do it anyway) and they said the likely hood of anything resulting from this would be extremely surprising... and the genetics counselor even said that Kaiser is considering changing the standard of informing patients of an Echogenic Focus because they aren't even sure anymore if there is any relation to chromosomal abnormalities in the first place.
Ultimately as a christian, I don't play the game of odds...the odds mean nothing when everything GOOD AND BAD is cleared by my Father in heaven. He said that He causes ALL THINGS to work together for good (you know the verse). He knows the numbers of hairs on my head, his thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand and he has a plan for my life. A down syndrome baby would NOT be an "oops", it would be a part of the plan. Yes things do "happen" but then didn't happen without God knowing about it, and his approval.
We still don't know for absoulte sure if our son will have downs or not...we will just have to wait this one out until we meet our little man. But we are super excited for this baby and can't wait to meet him! This experience has brought Terry and I closer together, made us more compassionate about families with special needs, and challenged our faith and trust. Because here's the thing: We will never escape the what ifs in our lifetime. We will never escape pain and tragedy. But we can be sure of one thing-Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us, and He is the ultimate source of our peace, joy, happiness and completeness.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Ultrasound News
Anyone who knows me for more than 10 minutes probably knows that I struggle with worry-or trusting God. Throughout ALL of my last pregnancy I worried daily. In the first trimester it was miscarriage, in the second it was preterm labor and in the third it was cord issues. And guess what??? When she came it was SIDS! And every time she leaves my arms and drives away with someone, or I leave her with someone, I consciously kiss her like it may be the last time I see her. What a way to live huh? But just like with you, He is oh so patient with me and he will spend the rest of my life making me more like Him through trials, pain, life lessons etc..
This pregnancy there has been some progess in that area. I now know, it doesn't really pay to worry so much, because what I fear, or the possibility of something going wrong is ALWAYS there. Getting to the second trimester or the third and so on, won't take my worry away. I am more relaxed in this pregnancy. I drink my small morning cup of coffee almost daily, I take tylenol, I take pepcid (I still won't eat those coldcuts though!).
But after going to our routine ultrasound to find out that our baby has a soft marker for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome I am surprisingly not freaking out. I think it's because having a "marker" has simply doubled our chances of a normal pregnancy of our baby having one of these problems. We are being sent to a level two ultrasound where they will look for more markers. If they find more (I think three) then they would recomend an amnio. If they find no other markers, it is probably a calcium deposit and we would just have to wait it out.
So...it is what it is. It is comforting to know statistics blah blah blah...but doesn't everything that happens to me passes through the hands of my Father good or bad? Doesn't He give AND take away??? My prayers of late go like this: Father...you can have it all...but if you decide that is what is best...then whatever you do don't let go of me when I walk that hard road after loss, heartache and pain.
So if you are reading this, please pray that by our level 2 ultrasound next week that the spot they found on this baby's heart will disapper. But ultimately that God's will, will happen and we will be OK with it.
This pregnancy there has been some progess in that area. I now know, it doesn't really pay to worry so much, because what I fear, or the possibility of something going wrong is ALWAYS there. Getting to the second trimester or the third and so on, won't take my worry away. I am more relaxed in this pregnancy. I drink my small morning cup of coffee almost daily, I take tylenol, I take pepcid (I still won't eat those coldcuts though!).
But after going to our routine ultrasound to find out that our baby has a soft marker for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome I am surprisingly not freaking out. I think it's because having a "marker" has simply doubled our chances of a normal pregnancy of our baby having one of these problems. We are being sent to a level two ultrasound where they will look for more markers. If they find more (I think three) then they would recomend an amnio. If they find no other markers, it is probably a calcium deposit and we would just have to wait it out.
So...it is what it is. It is comforting to know statistics blah blah blah...but doesn't everything that happens to me passes through the hands of my Father good or bad? Doesn't He give AND take away??? My prayers of late go like this: Father...you can have it all...but if you decide that is what is best...then whatever you do don't let go of me when I walk that hard road after loss, heartache and pain.
So if you are reading this, please pray that by our level 2 ultrasound next week that the spot they found on this baby's heart will disapper. But ultimately that God's will, will happen and we will be OK with it.
Friday, January 23, 2009
This and that...
Saw the Doctor yesterday and I heard the precious heartbeat for the first time. I didn't hear it at the 12 week visit because I was spoiled and got to see the baby instead. So when I heard the heartbeat I was really taken back. I am not pregnant with fat. It really is a baby in there with a beating heart and everything!
She was a bit concerned about the Vertigo that has not gone away. She said that at the next visit if it has not subsided they would send me to a specialist. I have actually gotten quite used to it. NO sudden movements and I seem to be okay. I still have to hold onto things to walk a few times throughout the day. Its not the same feeling as getting up to fast. It's more about the room spinning and you feel like your falling.
Puked up my dinner last night...but it was kinda my fault. To say the least it has been a BUSY week. So when I came home at 6:45 after a long day it seemed just fine to devour tortilla chips and chili. What an idiot.
Davese came over last night to simply give Presley hugs and kisses. Presley loves her so much. As a mom, nothing like knowing other people love your kid.
Terry is super husband and Dad. Worked a long week and unfortunately got some sad news last night that a high school friend died in a car crash. A reminder that we are not promised another day even a moment....
Things are good...but Terry and I need some, Terry and I time. Hoping to slow down for the weekend and maybe have my parents watch Presley for an evening and go on a date.
That is our lives this week in a nutshell!
She was a bit concerned about the Vertigo that has not gone away. She said that at the next visit if it has not subsided they would send me to a specialist. I have actually gotten quite used to it. NO sudden movements and I seem to be okay. I still have to hold onto things to walk a few times throughout the day. Its not the same feeling as getting up to fast. It's more about the room spinning and you feel like your falling.
Puked up my dinner last night...but it was kinda my fault. To say the least it has been a BUSY week. So when I came home at 6:45 after a long day it seemed just fine to devour tortilla chips and chili. What an idiot.
Davese came over last night to simply give Presley hugs and kisses. Presley loves her so much. As a mom, nothing like knowing other people love your kid.
Terry is super husband and Dad. Worked a long week and unfortunately got some sad news last night that a high school friend died in a car crash. A reminder that we are not promised another day even a moment....
Things are good...but Terry and I need some, Terry and I time. Hoping to slow down for the weekend and maybe have my parents watch Presley for an evening and go on a date.
That is our lives this week in a nutshell!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Every pregnant woman knows about how dreams change in pregnancy....I have had a couple crazy ones. I wanted to "write down" the one I had last night so I can look back on it for years to come.
A scattered dream that was all over the place but the bottom line was I had two children already. At one point one was 4 and one was around 2. Then all of sudden the 2 year old was as tall as the 4 year old with no toddler characteristics at all. In my dream I was distinctly devastated that I had missed all that growing up. I even tried to hold her like a baby and she wouldn't let me.
I woke up so happy that Presley was only 20 months and I was still pregnant.
Somewhere inside of me I must be sad at how time is flying...whatever it means either a reminder or a reflection but in about 5 minutes I am going to go get my baby/toddler out of her CRIB and enjoy every ounce of her chubby baby/toddler frame, kisses, hugs, gibberish and giggles.
A scattered dream that was all over the place but the bottom line was I had two children already. At one point one was 4 and one was around 2. Then all of sudden the 2 year old was as tall as the 4 year old with no toddler characteristics at all. In my dream I was distinctly devastated that I had missed all that growing up. I even tried to hold her like a baby and she wouldn't let me.
I woke up so happy that Presley was only 20 months and I was still pregnant.
Somewhere inside of me I must be sad at how time is flying...whatever it means either a reminder or a reflection but in about 5 minutes I am going to go get my baby/toddler out of her CRIB and enjoy every ounce of her chubby baby/toddler frame, kisses, hugs, gibberish and giggles.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Another good reason to work at my marriage
Two days ago, a little girl, who I have known for years, stood in front of me sobbing. She was sobbing because she couldn't hold it in any longer. She was overwhelmed with deadlines for school work, home life and life in general. Her parents are headed for divorce and she is very aware of her unstable environment.
It shook me. It's not that I have not dealt with this. I have dealt with much worse in my 9 years of school age daycare. What is different is that I have now known these families for so long, I have seen many of there second children follow their first through the center. I have watched their families over a 6 year span, specifically at this center. And in this case, watched the decline. I have first hand seen a stable, well adjusted child fall apart because of whats going on at home.
In the middle of the conversation with this child Terry calls.
"Hi babe. Just wanted to let you know I am on my way home. I love you."
I hang up and altogether at once in my head I was:
1. Utterly grateful that I enjoy life with Terry
2. Completely thankful that God manages our marriage
3. Committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to be married at 60....even if he were to not be.
4. That if I were to throw in the towel...I would be changing my children's lives forever because divorce and fighting in the home affects children.
Terry and I have been through a lot over the last 10 years. We have had some really disgusting times in terms of how we treated each other. Many seasons that brought on growth and change. But the latest one during our marriage for me was 4 months after Presley was born. I remember the scene perfectly. I was getting ready to go back to work and I was scared and overwhelmed. We had just bought our house. I cried out to the Lord saying how can I do this? How can our marriage whether such stress? Middle of the night feedings, full time work where I am on call day and night? I stood in the kitchen and Terry and I fought about dishes (source of many past fights...I am messy he is clean). He walked out the door and I clearly remember me crying out to the Lord I CAN"T DO THIS!!! And the Lord simply said inside my heart....serve Me.
In marriage, you live with another person. The whole relationship in many ways must be like a positive team that works together for the end goal. Our goal is to 1) stay married! but ultimately please God. But when we "serve" our spouses, as each one should the other, it really is serving the Lord. It is for the Lord. So when we are upset with the other, and we have met the end or our rope for that person, we can keep going because the things we do for the spouse, or the sake of the marriage, its's all for the Lord. And...the kicker, is He is our strength in our very weakness. When I am "done" being married. When I am "done" doing whatever it is in life that is overwhelming, in Him we find rest and peace for our weary souls. He miraculously fills us up and we can give more.
Right now...we are in a sweet, calm spot. We are like butter in our daily grind. He helps me, I help him, we are very motivated to do what it takes while we await this new baby and enjoy the one we have! But dark will come again, when life happens. The battle will continue all our lives. Keeping Jesus number one in our lives is our ONLY chance.
So....after that really long post...my point is that when this incident happened with the little girl, I was grateful for the marriage I have. But even more than that, grateful for the One who is my Shepard, my Helper, my Father, my Savior and my very present help in times of trouble.
It shook me. It's not that I have not dealt with this. I have dealt with much worse in my 9 years of school age daycare. What is different is that I have now known these families for so long, I have seen many of there second children follow their first through the center. I have watched their families over a 6 year span, specifically at this center. And in this case, watched the decline. I have first hand seen a stable, well adjusted child fall apart because of whats going on at home.
In the middle of the conversation with this child Terry calls.
"Hi babe. Just wanted to let you know I am on my way home. I love you."
I hang up and altogether at once in my head I was:
1. Utterly grateful that I enjoy life with Terry
2. Completely thankful that God manages our marriage
3. Committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to be married at 60....even if he were to not be.
4. That if I were to throw in the towel...I would be changing my children's lives forever because divorce and fighting in the home affects children.
Terry and I have been through a lot over the last 10 years. We have had some really disgusting times in terms of how we treated each other. Many seasons that brought on growth and change. But the latest one during our marriage for me was 4 months after Presley was born. I remember the scene perfectly. I was getting ready to go back to work and I was scared and overwhelmed. We had just bought our house. I cried out to the Lord saying how can I do this? How can our marriage whether such stress? Middle of the night feedings, full time work where I am on call day and night? I stood in the kitchen and Terry and I fought about dishes (source of many past fights...I am messy he is clean). He walked out the door and I clearly remember me crying out to the Lord I CAN"T DO THIS!!! And the Lord simply said inside my heart....serve Me.
In marriage, you live with another person. The whole relationship in many ways must be like a positive team that works together for the end goal. Our goal is to 1) stay married! but ultimately please God. But when we "serve" our spouses, as each one should the other, it really is serving the Lord. It is for the Lord. So when we are upset with the other, and we have met the end or our rope for that person, we can keep going because the things we do for the spouse, or the sake of the marriage, its's all for the Lord. And...the kicker, is He is our strength in our very weakness. When I am "done" being married. When I am "done" doing whatever it is in life that is overwhelming, in Him we find rest and peace for our weary souls. He miraculously fills us up and we can give more.
Right now...we are in a sweet, calm spot. We are like butter in our daily grind. He helps me, I help him, we are very motivated to do what it takes while we await this new baby and enjoy the one we have! But dark will come again, when life happens. The battle will continue all our lives. Keeping Jesus number one in our lives is our ONLY chance.
So....after that really long post...my point is that when this incident happened with the little girl, I was grateful for the marriage I have. But even more than that, grateful for the One who is my Shepard, my Helper, my Father, my Savior and my very present help in times of trouble.
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