My Husband

My Husband Terry is an amazing person. For those who know him, they know that he is very organized, driven, passionate, dedicated, loyal, funny as heck, selfless, a leader, a self taught frugal shopper and.... a pack rat. I'm quite the opposite, poor fella, I am not organized, I'm very selective on what I am driven about (it's kinda like a switch), I struggle with serving, I am not very inclined to save money and while I don't like clutter I'm can be messy but I am not a pack rat. If it hasn't been used in a while, toss it. It has been the source of many...shall I say.... frustrating moments. But I am happy to say that I have never been one to throw away his "stuff".

Terry has had a very long road. A road that started in Taiwan 31 years ago. Things didn't really come easy for Terry and when he came to the states at 9, he wasn't treated very well by the kids at school and even the teachers. What is amazing to me is that through his whole life he remained tender to people. He loves people. His whole life is about people. Believe it or not, the big screen TV he bought is for people to enjoy when they come over. His DVD's are rarely seen until people come over or want to borrow them. The Lemonade stand he bought was for the kids in his life that bring him joy. All the cooking gadgets he has (George Foreman, sandwich makers etc.) are used when he cooks for people. And the "stuff" he holds onto are linked to precious people that often times are no longer here, or they live far away.

I treasure this way about him. I have never met someone with such heart...and he chose to marry me.

A very bold post

Over the past years I have had goals. Goals that would glorify God, make me happy, and fulfill my life. These goals were the desires of my heart, the prayers I whispered in my bed at night and sometimes outright begged the Lord to make these things happen quicker.

I had a goal of meeting a man that loves Jesus and that I would love...I did. I had a goal of marrying that man....I did. I had a goal of loving my job and moving up...I did. I had a goal of having a baby with that man....I did. I had a goal of buying a home with my husband...we did.

Here I am with everything that I have wanted all my life...and yet in a season in my life where I am in one of my biggest trials yet. It's not because I didn't really want this life, I would not trade it for anything. I know it's not because I don't love my husband and daughter more than my own breath. It's not because I walked away from the Lord.

It's because slowly over the past months I replaced my number one source of happiness, joy, peace, love and reason for existence with things, events and people. I didn't really see it happen because after all, these were all blessings from the Lord Himself! This is what God planned for my life, how could I get it mixed up.

No matter how amazing, loving and supportive my beautiful Terry is to me, no matter how wonderful and precious my baby girl is, no matter how awesome my church family is, no matter how great a job I have if I don't see Jesus as my ultimate source of comfort, peace and joy I will be dissatisfied. People who don't know Christ may say I'm crazy to think that my little girl in herself is not enough to make me endlessly happy (wow, what a burden to put on a child) I can see how before being a christian all I had was the hope that people would be perfect and never disappoint. But as a christian (and anyone for that matter) we know that all will fail us, everything will disappoint at some time, it is only Christ who holds the keys to our hearts and will never fail.

I'm sure that much of the trial I have experienced in the last 3 months has to do with being a new mom, buying a house and moving not to mention these crazy raging hormones...but it has become clear to me over the last few days that I have lost site of my first love.

God has blessed me with some really great people in my life. Some that have been a source of strength during and after pregnancy, some that laugh with me, some that support me and are there for me when I need them. (I sure hope they know I'm there for them too) Well, one of my dear friends gave me a necklace on Sunday that simply said blessed. There was a lot of commotion going on when she gave it to me, which was good because I usually cry about stuff like that. But what she said to me really hit home, I think God's been telling people things :) When I opened it, while I was saying my thank-yous she said, "I just want you to know how blessed you are". She probably had know idea that God greatly convicted me after that. Blessed....But do I know how blessed I am? Yes, I have been blessed, my husband, daughter and the list goes on. But what I lost site of is that the most amazing, incredible blessing I have IS my Jesus. He never fails, He's always faithful. His love for me will never stop. He died for all my "yuckies". He fills my heart (when I seek Him) with an indescribable joy, and a truth that when all things pass away He will still be there. That is my ultimate blessing.

I woke up today and talked with my first love. I asked the source of my everything to go before me and prepare my day. I asked Him to fix my heart, make it soft again. I asked he to help me die to myself so that I can love others. I told him I'm sorry for ignoring him. I thanked him for everything...

(Psalms 107:9 )For he satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness

This is the day we got the keys to our new home!

This was taken at the park when Presley was about 12 weeks old

This is my favorite smile of hers, she just smiles with her whole body

Practical update

For all those that keep up with our lives through this blog...this ones for you. Presley is continuing to grow mentally and physically. She smiles all the time and has chuckled a few times...I can't wait to hear her laugh. She loves to lie on her back and grab at the toys that hang from her play gym. She grabs them, and I swear she loves to just take whacks at them and is very delighted when she squeezes them as hard as she can. When she is on her belly, she can almost lift herself up supporting her head on her hands and arms. She loves taking her nightly bath and she is beginning to splash in the bathtub. She likes to stretch her legs all the way to the end of the tub (it's a baby size). She likes to watch her baby Einstein video, play in her vibrating bouncy seat and floor gym. When I make dinner at night I put her in her bouncy vibrating seat up on the counter and she is usually fine the whole time in the kitchen while I make dinner. She also likes going in the excersaucer and even though it's a tad to big I prop her up and she loves it! The other day she grabbed a chopstick of the table when I was holding her....minutes before I told Terry that soon she would be grabbing things off the table and we would have to be careful.

She gets up around 7 everyday eats about every 3 hours with her last feeding at around 9pm just after her bath. She falls asleep right after she eats and goes down in her bassinet at about 9:45. She gets up between 5 and 7 hours later to eat and then goes right back to sleep and another day begins around 7am.

She is a great baby that loves people and is very interested in everything around her. She smiles alot, but she is also showing some stubborn traits...I wonder where she gets that from??? Uncle Henry if you are reading this....I know she will love to hear you sing because she looovvveeess music.

It's really amazing to watch a child grow. As a mother from the moment you see the pink line on the pregnancy test you are amazed at how life is created. I clearly remember the first flutters of Presley moving in my tummy. I remember hearing her heartbeat for the first time. I remember when I delivered her and how fragile and precious she was. It blows me away how amazing and creative God is. There is really no other explanation for the miracle of life other than God does it.

On another note...since there are other things going on in life besides the our baby girl (at least there needs to be) we bought a house and moved a couple miles closer to old town orange and we love it. I mentioned in previous posts how God's fingerprints are all over this miracle. I am going back to work on October 15th. It's really awesome because my Boss has held my job for me for almost half a year. The law only requires them to hold a "like" position for me. Terry continues to work his hinnie off at work. Terry's mom, Elaine and his step dad Steve have been out in California quite a bit for business. Our days usually consist of unpacking, spending time with each other, family and friends, church and we are....blessed.

My Parents

Having a baby has made me see so many things in a different light. One of them is my parents. As I care for my new "little bundle of joy" I feel as though my parents, who have "finished" their parenting have picked up where they left off parenting me once again. It's not like when I was a teenager where they were my authority, its not like when I was a school-ager where they were teaching me the important things in life, its like when I was a baby . My father spends a good amount of time working on our house, changing out light fixtures, hanging paintings, picking me up lunch and spending time with me. My mother, after her long work days, often runs errands, brings dinner for Terry and I and drops what she is doing to help in any way.

It's no secret that growing up in the Conaway household had its rough moments. There are still a few hurts left, but we are long past the blame game. My parents did their absolute best. My father, who never had a father was a loving and gentle dad of which I preferred no one else to tend to my owies. He took care of the spiders in my room, brought me water at night and calmed me with his soothing deep voice with bed time stories.

My mother who in some ways never had a mother. My grandmother struggled with serious depression most of my mothers life. I was all my mother prayed for in having a daughter, but once I arrived and began to show my strong willed nature I was more than most parents could handle. My mother was one who went back in the work force, in a foreign country, just to pay for my Christian schooling, and would sacrifice just for me. She endured much, for me.

So what makes me think its like when I was a newborn? I'm not sure really, but being a new mom has made me, at times, feel as helpless as my little Presley. Just like my baby girl looks to me for comfort, I feel myself looking to my parents for comfort. They are not perfect, and I don't need them to be anymore...they are just two people who love me more than themselves....still after all these years. And I understand that love now, having my own. I know its time once again for me to continues to grow in my strength in the Lord and grow my own family. But it has been a time of reconciliation for me and my parents with the birth of my baby. I have never loved and...here's the real kicker...appreciated my parents more than I do now.

Pictures coming soon :)

My "New Mothers" Heart

Presley turned 3 months yesterday. In some aspects, it has been the longest 3 months, and in others, like everybody says, it has gone by too fast. I find myself writing this blog today through tears. It could be 3 months of being sleepless, having no clue what I am doing, figuring out my new daughter, struggling through the painful "art of breastfeeding" worry and the list goes on..... But these tears are not leaving me empty, or alone they are coming from a very warm place in my heart. They are coming from my new mothers heart. As I look at this amazing life that lived inside me for 9 months, this life that I so strongly protected from the minute I knew I was pregnant with her. I immediately gave up my 3 cup a day coffee habit, wouldn't take a Tylenol and even quit eating cold cuts (don't ask). I worried every day that she would be okay. I couldn't wait too hold her, look at her, love her and make it all okay when she was sad.


I can't really pinpoint where the transition from staying afloat to grabbing the lifesaver that Christ is, happened. There were a lot of low points that I cried out to the Lord for help. I think I would grab it, sit there for a while too catch my breath, then stupidly jump back into the water (the fear, the doubt).


But today I cry because I love her so much. My heart is definitely more burdened. I worry about her heart. I worry about Presley feeling hurt, pain, sadness, loneliness. A kiss from Mommy or hugs from Daddy will not always be enough.


It's funny, all the things I dreamed of before the baby came are not the things that bring me the most joy. I don't enjoy being Disneyland to a infant at 6am in the morning. I don't enjoy 3 minute showers, and I certainly don't enjoy the lack of a shower! I don't enjoy shoving food in my mouth faster than a chubby 10 year old boy at a pie eating contest. I don't enjoy 2am feedings...and 4 am feedings on some nights.




Ohhh...but I do enjoy looking down at Presley while nursing just to see the biggest and brightest smile and sweetest eyes looking my way. I enjoy her sweet smelling head after a bath. I do enjoy picking up my crying and unhappy baby and having the ability too calm her. I love seeing her explore her new world and once in a while look around for mommy to make sure I'm close by. I enjoy her casually slipping her entire hand around one of my fingers when she's just relaxing on me. I enjoy her...I love her...with a love I have never known. One that would die for her, endure pain and sacrifice for her, one that will never end, not ever.

From Swing to Bassinet

Well... Presley is no longer sleeping in her swing and is now in her bassinet for all nap times and night time. She is gradually shifting her sleep schedule from 10-7 with a feeding in between to 8-6with a feeding in between. We just started supplement 2 oz. of formulas in afternoon feeding which seems to be going ok. I am trying to slowly prepare us for going back to work. For example I could totally give her a pumped bottle at night...but when I go back to work I will definitely want to breast feed for that feeding. So I am giving it to her in the afternoon because that is when she Will eventually have to take a bottle.

In church on Sunday as I was thinking about all these things in my life right now and I was asking the Lord to help little Presley nap better in the day and sleep longer at night and I really felt like the Lord was saying to ask for rest, resting in Him and not sleep. In fact I rarely feel the effects of little sleep...I think as a mom you don't need as much but it takes a while for you to realize you don't need 7-8 hours a night anymore. So that is what I am asking for, that I would rest in him.

What a doll!

I'm really a mom???

So far I think that the most frustrating part about being a parent is not knowing which advice or method to follow. If I knew that letting her "cry it out" was the best for her I'd do it, but I'm not sure that leaving a 2 month old alone crying hysterically is the best for Presley. However I know that not napping during the day is not good for her either. I am doing my best to follow her cues, putting her down drowsy but awake. The only thing that ensures her sleeping is me rocking her, singing to her and letting her sleep in my arms. I know that is not good either. For starters I am going back to work in 2 months and how will she do if the only way she naps is in someones arms...so I rarely do it. I only do that if she had a tough night and I didn't sleep and I am too exhausted to cater my whole day around her napping.

Last night she was up every hour beginning at 11:00 and is still fussing...but I am still putting in a good effort to get her to nap today without me holding her. I also am trying to put her in the bassinet because I think that she is getting to big for the swing she's been sleeping in and may be uncomfortable. We've been putting her in the swing because she needs to sleep a little upright due to her reflux. I stood by the bassinet and patted her for about 20 minutes and then prayed for her and walked away. I also put on a lullaby CD for her. It helps to write in my blog when I am trying to get her down...to help me stay sane!

I can see though why it is important to "struggle" along with your child. I think these are the times that you become closer. As much as it sucks she won't just fall asleep easily, there is nothing like me going to her side when she is crying and when she opens her eyes and sees me she smiles so big in between cries. I am starting to feel like she really wants me there, I'm not just a boob...I'm the comfort for her when she is upset, the lady who makes her laugh and makes her happy when I sing to her. Sometimes my heart falls off a cliff when I think about what would I do if I lost her? I'll let the Lord worry about that....