Today I was checking in on one of the blogs I follow. "Kelly" who I don't know, just follow, had a baby one year ago. The baby girl, Harper, had a really tough time in the beginning and nearly died. On her blog, she has a video up highlighting the early days and the miracle that God did in healing her. I cried when she cried, as I am sure everyone else who watched the video did, when her baby girl opened her eyes for the first time at 10 days old. I can place myself in her shoes and imagine the pain I would feel if I were in hers and the joy that everything is ok now.
But here's the thing...though I can sift through my own babies photos, videos and mementos and feel so much emotion and joy over their existence, after their births I was anything but joyous. Post Partum Depression robbed me of the joy that most mothers feel with their precious new babies. With Presley I was fine for the first week or so but once the sadness set in, it took a good 2 to 3 months where I felt myself. With Trent however due to the circumstance I will share below, it lasted much longer.
With Trent, I was incredibly ill prepared because I thought I was well equipped. This was my second baby. I really didn't pay much attention when those who had gone before me warned "remember, no two babies are alike!" Sure, both had some issues (what baby doesn't though??!!)like acid reflux and sleep stuff. Presley turned blue her first night home and couldn't breathe the first night home and I freaked. I remember feeling deep down inside that "this" was too big for me. I was unworthy, incapable of rising to the the challenge of motherhood. My God, what if she died and I lost her??? I think I simply shut down emotionally as to protect myself in the event she did. With Trent...he screamed. My Lord, he screamed. He was hurting. I knew it, my mothers intuition knew it. He seemed overwhelmed by this world, the sounds, the smells, the touch. He NEEDED to be swaddled, tightly not be loose and free. He wanted to SUCK. I was simply sleep deprived (2 hours broken up each night with no time to nap because I have a toddler) and overwhelmed. What had I done? I took our perfect world of the three of us and added a fourth who had turned our world upside down. Presley didn't seem to want me anymore. I had no time for rocking and singing, reading books, playing. She was pushed aside so I could deal with her little brother. For the first 6 weeks of Trent's life he slept in a swing or on me. I felt trapped. I felt like the endless screaming at night would not end. This baby who was anything but unpredictable would never become what I wanted: predictable so I could have my life back where I can control, organize and have a plan. It took about 4 weeks to start figuring him out (THANK YOU HAPPIEST BABY ON THE BLOCK). He liked to be bounced, not rocked. He liked it when I made a loud SHHHHHH in his ear, not singing. On another note, the life as I new it, the one where I made out work schedules, spreadsheets and ran groups of children was over. No accolades, no recognition and no CONTROL (God even prepared me for this when our pastor's wife gave me a word from the Lord back in April 09). Iknew our bond would strengthen, I knew he would grow and his feedings would space out more than 2 hours around the clock(if that!)But I felt like I wasn't going to make it without going truly insane before then. But unlike with Presley, after I started adjusting fairly well, I was still so sad. I know that it may be hard for people to fathom how this is possible. How could a women, who worked with children even, who longed to have children could feel this way. How could she feel this way when there are others who would give their left arm to hold their lost babies. How can she be so ungrateful?? But the truth is Post Partum Depression is real. And it is happening to more women that we want to admit. The crazy hormones that are out of control wreak havoc on a women after birth. The more we talk about it, the more aware we are of it, the more we can help a women who is going through this so that it doesn't last as long and she gets the help she needs.
Long after Trent had started sleeping better at night on his own, after naps were getting predicable and I was getting rest I was still sad. I was missing the Joy in my heart. I had no excitement for life. As a result I was ungrateful, becoming resentful and bitter at everyone and anything. Something else was going on.
One day breakthrough began. I was listening to a sermon by the creator of Veggie Tales. His story goes like this: God fulfilled the dream he had in making Veggie Tales a huge success. He lost it all and found himself in a depressed state. He talks of how he went to a church service where the pastor said how often do we say "lord as the deer pants for the water so my soul longs for.....ministry, a husband, kids, a house, money and so on". And it hit me...I wasn't longing for God. Part of the reason the pit I was in was because I had been looking to other things and people besides the Lord to make me happy. I didn't notice it too much before because I wasn't pushed to the brink. So that day, I repented for looking to my kids and husband to full fill the deepest longing in my sould that no one can fill but Jesus. God literally reached down and pulled me out of a pit. There is NO ONE that could have rescued me. What a faithful, loving and powerful God we serve! Glory to God for the trials that we encounter because we become more like him, and we can minister to others!
I would now say that I am 99% back to myself, getting better and better each day. To get out of the depression I did some very piratical things. Ate better, got outside, opened the windows, turned lights on in the house, talked to people, took vitamins, danced with the kids, slow breathing but over everything... I threw myself at Jesus' feet. I read his word, I spent time with him, I listened to music about him, praising him and relied on him. AND YOU KNOW WHAT??? I have not been this close to the Lord in a loooong time. There were some dark days where all I could do was cry because my heart was so full of worry and dread (you have an idea it's depression when you can't think of ANY reason you feel that way, but you just do) and on those days I feel God gave me scriptures that just "popped in my head" that were so right on that ministered to my soul.
I often say that both my kids brought to my knees again, before the Lord. And I say that with absolute gratitude to both of them that they did!
So Trent is now 6 1/2 months old...and he is my BOY! A bond different, yet equally precious as with Presley. I love him so much with all my heart. And after all this...he takes two very predicatble naps, and sleeps around 9 to 11 hours straight at night. He is soooo happy. Presley and Trent adore each other, infact we all pretty much adore eachother in our household. But...the hard days are around the corner where teething will upset sleep schedules. Where seperation anxiety will upset the household and all the other challenges and trials we have ahead. But God will be faithful then as he has always been.When I look into the eyes of my kids I feel that I literally am living in God's absolute blessing. I feel overwhelmed by God's goodness. But I am also reminded daily that God is faithful. That God can break the bondages, that he can heal what the world tries to heal but can not. That he is utterly amazing.
Glory be to God!
