Her own room

How am I ever going to handle letting Presley go??? Tonight we put her in her own room, in her crib for the first time. She hates taking naps there, probably because she hates taking naps too begin with, but she's sleeping now for about 2 hours. I sit here, feeling somewhat sad and empty because my little baby is growing up! Listen to me, what the heck is wrong with me???? She's only 4 months, not going into kindergarten , high school or 18! What if she can't breathe? What if she is scared? What if someone takes her and I can't get to her??? Now I'm being plain silly.

I have said and preached it "don't hold onto anything too tightly". Yet I am holding on to Presley so tight. I know this is the beginning of letting her go and letting God be in charge.

My prayer is that I trust in the Lord, and not hold onto what is really not mine anyway, too tightly. Besides, I've got the video baby monitor right next to my ear.

Presley, before you were born I had already thought of you 10 x a million. Before you were born I would lay on the couch dreaming of your beautiful eyes. When you would move in my tummy I would close my eyes, wrap my arms around my belly and whisper "I love you". When you were just a pea inside me I would pray for you all the time and turn the music up in the car so I was sure you could hear. I would talk to you all the time about all the people you would soon meet. I would cry telling you I wanted to be a good mommy for you. When you were in my belly a day NEVER went by that I didn't treasure you growing inside me. I loved you before I met you, before I saw you, before I knew you.

Before God gave life to you in my tummy I dreamed of you a thousand times. You were my hearts desire that only God knew just how precious to me you were. Daddy and I would talk about you all the time. We would exchange what we would do with you, what we would teach you, and how we would love you. Daddy and I wanted you so much before you began in my tummy.

Even before daddy and I got married, I was dreaming about your smile. Before I even met your daddy I thought of you. Before prom, heartbreaks, awkward stages and even kindergarten....all the way down to when I was 3 feet tall I thought of you. I would dress you up in adorable clothes, take care of you, feed you, change you, talk to you, love you, kiss you. You were my little doll that I took every where.

Presley before you were here, were in my tummy, all the way back to when I was a little girl I have waited for you. Oh how you were worth the wait.

Thank-you father for this amazing, incredible blessing that is my baby girl.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN



Before I was a Mom…
I made and ate hot meals.
I had unstained clothing.
I had quiet conversations on the phone.

Before I was a Mom…
I slept as late as I wanted.
And never worried about how late I got
into bed.
I brushed my hair and my teeth every day.

Before I was a Mom…
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words
to lullabies.

Before I was a Mom…
I didn’t worry whether or not my plants
were poisonous.
I never thought about immunisations.

Before I was Mom…
I had never been puked on,
Pooped on,
Spat on,
Chewed on,
Peed on,
Or pinched by tiny fingers.

Before I was a Mom…
I had complete control of my mind,
My thoughts.
My body,
And my time.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom…
I never held down a screaming child,
So that doctors could do tests,
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and
cried.
I never got gloriously happy over
a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours
at night
Watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom…
I never held a sleeping baby just because.
I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million
pieces.
When I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom…
I didn’t know the feeling of having my
heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel to
feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond between a mother
and her child.
I didn’t know that something so smallCould make me feel so important.

Before I was a Mom…
I had never risen in the middle of the night .
Every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
The joy,
The love,
The heartache,
The wonderment,
Or the satisfaction of being a
Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable
of feeling so
Much before I was a Mom!

Bring on that pacifier!

Last night, unfortunately, is becoming more common for our nights. During her last feeding of the night she gets fussy and distracted. With the help of some tummy massage and leg exercise, she has a HUGE bowel movement. She finishes eating after I change her diaper...and her clothes. Then goes to sleep no problem. Wakes up 4 to 5 hours later wanting to eat...and ends up having a fussy night.

This is a far cry from what she used to do, and what she CAN do. She used to do 9pm eat 9:45 sleep 3 pm eat 3:30 sleep 7:30 wake-up eat. She has gone 7-8 hours many times without eating. I had this crazy idea to sleep train her into holding her 8 hour nights and she fought back with a vengeance!!!

Last night while I was curled up in fetal position on our recliner trying to drown out Presley crying in our room (Terry had already made his way to the living room)....Terry suggested giving her a pacifier. I snapped back at my poor husband (who has to get up early to go to work) "that won't work". He kindly(yet firmly) reminded me that I am not the only one that knows how to take care of Presley and I should try it.

3 hours later (that would be 6:30am now) after giving in and feeding her, burping her and her laughing at mommy wanting to play at 5 in the morning...I gave her the pacifier. What-do-ya-know???? It worked. Next thing I know, Terry is standing over me at 8:30am while I am in bed (with the baby...I get desperate sometimes) wagging his finger at me because Presley, sleeping like a baby, still has her cute little pacifier in her mouth (she's still sleeping now and it's 9:15am). Terry has a lot of grace with my stubborn self.

In spite of all the good and bad things about pacifiers and using them at night....I sure hope this sticks.

PS. Presley will be moving from bassinet in our room to crib in her room after my dad comes over today and puts up her blinds in her room.

Off to work

Well...even though I am headed back into the workforce, God is making a way! My sister-in-law, who has two girls that Terry and I are extremely close too will be watching her 3 days a week and Mallory my brothers girlfriend will be watching her in our home 2 days a week. I can not even BEGIN to describe how at peace I feel knowing that Presley will be with her cousins whom she loves...and their mommies who love Presley so much. I kept having nightmares of her in day cares getting pushed around and left out by other kids...I know that's probably not what would have happened...much, but being a childcare director myself I have come to learn a thing or two about daycare. And at least when she is pushed around it will be by her 15 month cousin Parker! It will help prepare her for siblings later on maybe??

We have a bit of a challenge going on with me not being able to nurse two of her feedings. She is strictly nursed because I can't seem to pump out enough milk to replace a feeding. She does not do well on formula so far...but I have not really gave that enough time probably. We see a specialist on the 27th for her reflux so maybe he can give us some supplements to try....I'll post again when we have more info, but in the mean time if you can pray that I can pump enough at one time it will solve this probably right away!

She's Talking!

On Saturday Terry, Presley and I went up to our church's high school retreat where I was set to lead worship and we were looking forward to spending time with our awesome highschoolers. In the care on the way up, I had to feed Presley so we pulled over at the bottom of the 18 and I had a Del Taco hamburger for the first time and we all ate in the care at the same time. After Presley was finished nursing Terry was playing with her and she started laughing...pretty much for the first time. And then....she found her voice. At first it was just a little "ahh" then it got louder and louder. She is definitely pulling it from a different place in her throat. Now it's pretty much the only sound she's using.

We were over at a Davese's last night and as Presley was proudly making her new sounds Davese said something along the lines as once little girls begin to talk it never really stops...I think this blog somewhat proves that!

Maybe you have seen the commercial where the dad is driving with his little girl and she is telling this elaborate story. They get home, and he hesitates getting out of the car to go get her because he does not want her to think he's not listening. He carefully gets out, walks around the front of the car and opens her door...and Dad was thankful that she was still talking and she didn't skip a beat even though he was outside the car for a minute!

This is one of the reasons I wanted kids...I would have been happy with a girl or a boy, but God knew what I needed I love having a girl. I can't wait to hear what she thinks about the world. I work with about 50 kids daily and am quite used to "chatter" day in and day out. But now it won't be the chatter of other children, it Will be my own.

I don't know if she is actually trying to convey something to me, or just likes hearing her sounds. I don't really care because I know it will turn into new ways my daughter and I will communicate with each other...and being a daughter myself it might not always be loving communication! It almost feels like Presley and I are creating our own little language between the two of us that is so sweet and special.

He will make a way

I feel like my heart is in constant motion. I always have a list going of what I have to do that has been on the back burner (like thank-you cards), cleaning I have to do, boxes to empty, calls I need to make and ways that I could bring in the extra income necessary so I can stay home with Presley. My husband has an awesome job and an awesome boss (props to Chad :) he works harder than anyone I know...but anyone that lives in So Cal, and bought a home after the boom knows how crazy it is to have one parent stay home.

In 4 weeks and 2 days I am going back to work. I have been off since April 27th! In the mean time Tasha, the interim director is running the center while I am away. She has done a great job, the only thing is I will have next to NO staff when I get back to work. This poses a challenge because I will have to work from 7:00am -8:30am and 11:15-6 and at least 2 days a week I will be working from 7am to 6pm when we have meetings.

How will this every be possible? How will it be possible when our childcare is in Fullerton? How will be possible without missing meetings and deadlines? How will I make dinner every night? How will I take care of my husband and my baby? How can I be away from my baby all day long when I am all she's known for the last 4 1/2 months? How is it possible to drop her off every day at 9:30, and pick her up at 6:45 make dinner, bathe her, feed her spending 2 hours a day with her???? How??? This is the impossible I was talking about on the last post...

It seems that God wants us to do the impossible. I can see why...this will usher me into a place of maturity that I have never been. A place of discipline I have never known. I will need to be organized, and ready to work hard...work hard at work, work hard at home, work hard at my marriage, work hard at being a mom, work hard at my walk with Jesus.

I am not in the river right now. I am not even in a desert. I don't know where I'm at...maybe I'll have a metaphor after this season is over. But that is what this is, a season and it won't last forever.

God will make a way, when there seems to be no way. He works in ways, we can not see, HE WILL MAKE A WAY FOR ME.

I watch how Terry is with Presley. He is so attentive, committed, focused, loving and every awesome attribute that makes a wonderful father. But the one that touches me the most is that he so trusting. You can tell that Presley feels so safe in his arms. I can see that she knows that her father will do everything and anything to be there for her in life. This is a father.

God is requiring me to trust in him right now. He is requiring me to have faith that He will work out the impossible that's in my life right now. He wants me to trust Him just like Presley trusts her earthly father. My husband has once again blessed me in that he has shown me through his relationship with our daughter the relationship my Heavenly father wants with me.

I am going through a situation in life right now that Gods wants me to trust Him that He is in control. That He is at work and that I can trust that He will do everything and anything to be there for me.

Presley is a princess

When I was pregnant with Presley, I remember commenting to my friend that I hate clothes, toys, items or anything for girls that say Princess on them. I felt that it creates a complex for a girl that she deserves to get whatever she wants. I want my daughter to be humble and caring not a diva who wants everything her way.

It's funny because the same friend I told that too gave Presley this crown (actually it was part of the welcome home baby decorations on our home). This same friend has a daughter who is compassionate, considerate, caring, funny, passionate, giving, loving, someone I would like Presley to learn from....and this girl was told she was a princess.

I had it all wrong.... Presley is a princess, I want her to believe in confidence that she is a prized daughter of the Lord, royalty, that ought to be treated with respect by any boy she considers marrying. I want her to live life knowing that she is far too important for anyone to treat her heart or body with disrepect. Too humble and kind to participate in populatrity contests. Too precious to subcomb to the latest fads that could harm her. She should know that God formed her in my womb. His thoughts for her outnumber the grains of sand on earth. She must know that she is His Princess.

Presley should also know that she should, like a princess should, love others and treat them with kindness and compassion. That with this "crown" comes great responsibility.

He's holding us

Today Presley had her second round of shots. I, being a first time mom, wasn't prepared and didn't know that she was going to get them. We spent 2 hours at the doctors today just waiting to see the doctor and then an additional 40 minutes. Presley is such a good baby.

When the nurse administered the shots and Presley started to cry, I nestled my face as close to hers telling her its okay over and over. I was kissing her while she was crying. Tears were pouring down her face. I kept wanting to convey to her somehow that I wasn't trying to hurt her, that this was good for her. I wanted her to know that it is because I love her that I allow this pain. There was a deep sadness in my heart that she could not understand this.

Oh....doesn't that sound familiar? During the commotion, I could feel in my heart somewhere that Christ must feel the same way. Holding us through our pain. How many times do we ask God "why are you allowing me to suffer like this?". Even though I think we can experience situations where we can be in God's shoes, so to speak, it still often times hurts so much that we can't see it for what it is...Just like mothers and fathers, God allows us to hurt because in the bigger picture it's good for us.