December Updates

Things are going really well at the Lu household. Things are also going well with me. We have gotten into a really good routine. Trent is sleeping really well, allowing me to get the much needed rest. Presley is a wonderful big sister and is getting bigger and bigger every day! She is learning why you need to share and why it is important to be caring and loving. Her language is great (something I was prepared not to be, being that Grandma J has a Scottish accent, Grandma E has a Chinese accent and speaks Chinese in the home, Aunt S has a Japanese accent and the rest of us speak English). She blows me away with adorable sentences like when she lost her shoe in the store and was quite upset that her socks would be mad! Or when she has figured out that she can love both mommy and daddy at the same time "I love mommy, I love daddy!!" as if she has come to some great realization. I am very pleased that while Christmas presents itself mostly in lit houses and trees and a Jolly old overweight man dressed in red and white and rides a "Moose" that she knows it's about Jesus. Trent is a happy 5 month old little man who ADORES his older sister. He loves to laugh and is very interested in everything. He sleeps anywhere from 7 to 11 hours without a feeding at night and eats every three or so hours a day. He has one tray of solids at night. Still nursing. He is off his reflux (still a big spitter though). He wants to explore everything with his mouth. Everything! He is my little man and I already see how the bond is so different between me and my two children. Both so incredibly precious and special but so different. I thank God for the uniqueness.

I am especially excited for this Christmas. It is my most favorite holiday. When I was a kid, though I was not raised in a home that centered around Jesus, Christmas was always about him and I loved it. I really believe that God reached out to me through Christmas, teaching me about how he came to us, to save us. So important I named my daughter (middle name) Noelle. So the tree was up and the house decorated the week of thanksgiving. Oh and I added the picture of the entertainment center I turned into a "hutch". I had to drill holes to lower the shelf and rip off the back. I loooove it much better than before. It had a non working TV and appliances all over the place.

So we are just enjoying our days right now. So much to be thankful for.

FEAR

Here it is again...a heart stopping fear that something will happen to my precious little baby.
This is NOT the way that Christ intends for us to live...in bondage to the concerns of living on earth.
I do know that in the event of something devastating, that He will be there to hold me, to sustain me, never leaving me. Joy would be restored, life would go on, beauty would come from the ashes...
It is very true that the ONE thing I NEED to survive while I live, I will never lose. That He will never leave us, that He causes all things to work together for good, that he give gladness for mourning...the promise is NOT that nothing bad will happen.
I am ashamed to admit-this Christ Follower is NOT believing the words of her Savior, So today, I place all that at His feet...and trust all that He says He is.

Update on kiddos

Presley will be 2 1/2 on November 21st. Wow...our little precious baby girl is certainly growing up. She is awesome. She is FULL of personality. She loves music, princess stuff, dresses, make-up...but she also loves to get dirty. She is a messy eater. She likes to do crafts at the table. Sometimes if I have left a cooking show on, I will walk in the living room, and catch her with her feet propped up, lounging on her kid chair watching the show! She does know what she wants and while Terry and I can usually easily wrangle her in, she definitely would happily be the boss in this house if we let her. She is getting better at playing with other kids, sharing her toys and the give and take. She sometimes struggles when other kids don't want to play what she wants, hug her, or hold her hand because she is such a cuddle bug. It's a good lesson to learn that you can't control others! But I love watching her grown inside and out. I am so proud of her!

Trent is 4 months on November 4th. Another WOW. I don't really want to relive how difficult things were from week 2 to 5, but lets just say...that time brought me to bloody knees before Jesus, and as hard as it was, I am thankful for the growth it did in me. Trent is THRIVING! 17.9 pounds, he is in the 96%. He is breastfed, all for one ounce of formula at night before I nurse, so he can take a bottle (which...doesn't really work because he will only take it from me!!). He is a greaaaat sleeper in the sense that I can almost always put him down awake but drowsy and he will put himself to sleep. He wakes up at night around 5-7 hours later to eat but stirs a lot throughout the nigt. Same with daytime. Could still be the reflux or just him. He is a HAPPY baby. This is why I can't wait to put him in his own room (he will share the office with Terry). Only cries when tired, bored or hungry. He is my little cuddle bug too! He smiles all the time. I started him on rice cereal (per doctor) a week and a half before the 4 month mark. The Doctor hopes it will help with the spit up issue...but I think it will help with his hunger issue (he is huge remember??) I was eating a sandwich today and he started crying with big huge tears...I swear it was because he wanted my sandwich!

Terry and I are adjusting well to having two. I don't always appreciate how hard he works, because I am so caught up in how hard I am working with the two kids. I know this is not the best thing...so I am praying and working on that! Also, I feel that for myself, a daily devotional and time praying is really important. I see myself frustrated more that I would like, and when I start the day off praying...it's almost always a million times better.

One thing that I am seeing is that it's not so much that I have to carve out time for me, as much as I have to rely on the Lord for my joy. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love being home...but without Jesus, for me, it's not enough. What I mean by this is that Terry and I won't always get along, the kids will have their days, but Jesus will never fail. This is what I want to impart to my kids...people are people and they will fail them, including me, but when we put our trust in someone that is consistent, perfect and loves us...that is a sure bet.

Anyway...that is the latest update for the Lu's :)

My name is Trent

My name is Trenton but my parents call me Trent. In the beginning I fooled my Mommy and Daddy...I slept all the time. When I was 9 days old I woke up to the world and my tummy started hurting me. I would throw up all the time. My silly mommy didn't know she had enough milk to feed all of southern California and was giving me half of it, so the throwing up got better when she found that out and started feeding me on one booby at a time and only for a few minutes. I have to take really gross medicine so my throat doesn't burn. I used to cry all the time. I would be up all night long screaming. I don't think I knew what I needed. I would grunt and cry all night. My mom starting sleeping with me over her shoulder in the recliner all night long and that helped. During the day time I would cry most of the day and could only sleep rocking in a swing. I love being swaddle still, but am almost getting too big for it. Well around 4 weeks old things got a bit better...5 even better. I still kinda hate the carseat and car rides, I like my bath now. I am going to be 8 weeks on Saturday and I just started sleeping in my bassinet with little difficulty at night. I still struggle during the day though, and throw up alot still too. I really do love being held but for some reason my mommy and daddy keep trying to put me down...something about not getting used to only being held to sleep.

I am really big...I weigh over 12 pounds. My sister can't get enough of me. She kisses me, wipes the spit up off my face, pats my back and worries about me. Sometimes she hugs me too hard. Every time I hear her playing I wake up if I am sleeping.

I eat every 2 hours during the day and at night every 2 to 3. A few times I have gone more than three times but not if I can help it! My mom keeps talking about around 3 months she will start stretching me out...whatever that means...and she said she's not afraid to let me cry it out a bit. Uh Oh...

My Dad and Mom love me a lot...especially when I smile at them. I have lots of people who love me, most of all Jesus. He has helped our family so much in this precious but difficult time for all of us!

One month in two days

My last blog post was 4 weeks ago. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Trent was born on July 4 and 5:12 in the morning. The coolest thing about his birthday is that he shares it with our Pastor, who has been a second father to me. Of course, fourth of July is cool too.

WOW. Well??? I completely underestimated how hard it is with TWO. Trent in the first 8 days was ANGEL BABY. Slept all the time. I remember our neighbor jokingly saying to me, careful they fool you for the first two weeks (she has three). First of all after labor I was great until I couldn't stop bleeding. That threw me a bit, never been so weak in my life. When we got home I got a UTI which was frustrating. But the hardest part has been, once my milk came in and got established around the 8the day or so...Trent took a turn for the COLICKY behavior of sorts. After three times to the doctor, and visits to lactation nurses...we have found ourselves at the exact same place with our daughter. A reflux baby with a mommy that has an overactive letdown and WAY TOO MUCH MILK (a good delima I know) equals super gassy baby with reflux. Thank-God we got this under somewhat control sometime this past week because we knew what we were dealing with. Now I only feed from one side at every feeding and Trent is on a high dose of zantac. He now goes in a swing, the bouncy seat and is muh more comfortable. Thank the Lord for all who were praying.

One thing I did not expect was to be so blue again. I thought that me being a second time mom, I would not be so overwhelmed like I was with the first, that I wouldn't have the emotional hormonal upset I had like I did with Presley. But I did, and I am. BUT that is more that ok. God is once again painfully teaching me that HE IS MY ROCK. I believe he lead me to this scripture this morning:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

When the Devil is at our "door step" waiting for the moment to pounce on us...as Christians we must remember our promise from God. These exact words are what I needed to hear and God knew it. I have grown more closer to my husband in appreciation and gratitude than ever before. My mother and I have had healing in our relationship as well. So much good has come out of it already. I know that just like with Presley, the blues and the difficult stage of newborn baby will pass. In a few weeks, I will be looking back at this time that is one of the hardest in my life with a bigger sense of who God is. I have so much to praise God for on top of just the fact that he IS. And I do.

Thank-you Lord for your unfailing love. Your faithfulness I cling to. I can not live without you as the most important thing in my life. We are so low, so helpless but you are so gracious, merciful and kind. Thank-you for protecting us from the devourer.

Due in Three Days

So this is what it's like, the countdown of waiting for a new baby. It's way different than Presley. I don't remember anything other than a strong desire to hold Presley, never a desire for the discomfort to be over. Probably becuase there wasn't any. I never had contractions that would lead to anything, no bloody show, no mucus plug, no cramping. On the Saturday one day after my due date I felt tired. The next early morning my water broke and then they induced me and I had a hellish labor (in my opinion...and that's the only one that counts, right??!!).

So this discomfort and frustation with still being pregnant...is new. Walking around at 3cm dialated and 75% effaced, with hands that can't make a fist not just due to swelling, but actual pain with carpal tunel is new. With feet that have plantar fascitis, and a many other plethera of pregnancy symptoms I won't bore even myself with. I keep having regular contractions for a couple hours, just to turn into light cramping and more bloody show. All the while caring for my adorable toddler (who just came out crying to show me her new pajamas with her artwork with a ball point pen all over the front). Where the heck did she get that pen from???!!!

If we are just talking pregnancies, I feel with this baby I have joined the ranks of all the other women who at this point just want the baby out (ofcourse still scared of labor though). I didn't understand with the first, but now I do. So if you are by chance reading this and my first perfect pregnancy made you feel less then for hating yours...I am so sorry. But take comfort in knowing that...I am now experiencing the cliche saying "paybacks are a _____".

So sarcasm aside...I can't wait to meet this little guy. I can't wait to see if Presley is enamored with Trent, or asks me to put him back in my belly. I can't wait to hold Presley from the front again an give her huge hugs. I can't wait to see Trent held by his amazing Daddy. I can't wait to see what our family picture looks like with four. I can't wait for the next chapter that God has for us.

All in all....it is DEFINITLEY worth the weight.

Patience...

I am patiently waiting for our new baby to come. I am feeling so blessed. Blessed by the Lord that He would give me Terry as a husband and Presley as a daughter and a new baby to join our family!

According to our last appointment...not even close. But we moms all know that doesn't really mean anything. I walked around dialated, completely effacted, station blah blah blah...for how long with Presley???!! So I will continue to prepare, rest and spend time with Presley...on another note, I LOVE BEING HOME!!! I love my job being taking care of home and Presley.

Lastly, a few pregnancy things...I am pleased with the weight gain. I gained 65 with Presley and lost only 30 or so in between. I started very heavy with this baby and I think I will come out under 25. I am SO excited to be able to walk without severe pain in my feet and constant contractions!!! But I will take the weight loss slow...the last thing I need is to lose milk supply or aggravate my hip flexor injury from long ago. I have to remember that I am WAY out of shape and it will be a long road back to the healthy Kathleen of 3 years ago.

I attached a picture Terry snapped yesterday of Presley and I in matching Green Bay hats that Terry got us, and Presley "loving" the baby.

Due in 2 and half weeks...we'll see(by the way, most annoying pregnancy symptoms right now....super swollen hands. In the morning, if I make a fist, some of my fingers have to be "popped" back in to place!)

Happy Birthday Presley

Today you turned two. You woke up, talking in your crib to your babies that sleep with you. You didn't cry for us to come get you, you woke up like a toddler and not a baby. You asked me to pick you up,only for you to ask me to put you back down on the outside of the crib, so that you could run and play, not to be held and kissed by me. You then said you did not want a bagel, but cereal with milk. You climbed up into your chair and waited. You are no longer the little baby that I held in my arms. You are your own person with your own desires and ideas. You want me close so that if you need me I am there, but not so close so that you can explore your world. When I came home today, you didn't run to hug me, you stopped to talk to me, telling me what you did. When Daddy was putting your car together for you, all you wanted to do was help...you were so frustrated when Daddy asked you to sit on the carpet so he could finish, you were sure that you knew how to do it yourself. At night, though, you still cuddle with me in Mommy and Daddy's bed. You lay your head on my cheek and we watch bizarre toddler shows like Yo Gabba Gabba. I tried to rock you...but my belly was too big with your baby brother in it. You were frustrated, and so was I. I just wanted to rock you too sleep, and you wanted me to rock you as well. I read you The Bear Snores On...I loved it because with Mommy working with kids during the day...you often haven't seen the animated kid side of me that can really engage you when I read. You stared at me with your mouth open as if you were saying "you have been able to read a story like that this whole time??!!" I was excited for the time we will have together when I am home. You asked me to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, rub your back, get your babies and pray. You say that Jesus lives in your heart, and when I ask you how old you are, you say two. You adore your Daddy...just like I hoped you would...and you're Daddy, well, adore doesn't come close to how he feels for you. You are more of a blessing than I ever imagined. You fill my heart with a joy that I never new before having you. God planned for me to be your Mommy, and He planned for you to be my daughter. His ways are perfect, He ALWAYS knows what he is doing, we stay close to Him, because we are like little silly sheep, and He is our good patient, caring, loving Shepard. He made you for a purpose, he designed you in a specific way so that He would be glorified, because when He is glorified it is ALWAYS a good thing for us. I know that I am not perfect, and I will fail you many times in your life even though, with all my heart, that is not what I want to do. I will teach you right ways, and unfortunately I will also teach you wrong ones. But most of all, I pray that you will know that even though I and your father and everything you count worthy of putting trust in, in your life WILL fail you, Jesus will NEVER fail you. He will always be there for you, in all your moments in life. Your Life will not be easy, but don't desire it to be easy. It's not the road that will get you to the place you truly want to end up. Your life will be full of all sorts of times...through all of them look to Jesus. I love you Presley.

Almost 34 weeks

Well, well...and one more...well. So much for journaling this pregnancy huh? I feel like baby Trent is already getting the short end of the stick! Well lets start with the complaints so the good stuff looks real good :). Plantar Fasciitis! What that means to me??!!! PAINFUL ARCHES, HEELS, TOES, CALVES. Truly...can't stand for more than a couple minutes without stabbing pain. Even after laying down all night, my feet kill in the morning. It has gotten in the way of cleaning, bending, walking...blah blah blah. Just frustratin when you can't do the housework and get things done!

Baby kicks. Oh they were so cute with Presley. I would lay down for an hour just feeling the baby move. NOW I SHUDDER WHEN THE BABY WAKES UP TO MOVE. To those who defend "no gender difference"...all I can say is "Tell that to my cervix!". It truly feels like he is kick boxing in my uterus and it is truly painful...however it is way worse when he doesn't move for a while and I get worried.

I think I will stop with those complaints...I wouldn't want anyone to think any amount of discomfort of pain is more than worth it for a healthy little baby. I just happen to be one of those people, that after I bore you with my complaints...ahhh...I feel much better after wards.

Moving on...Presley is turning 2 on Thursday. I can't believe that she really does age! The newborn stage is so long...but once she started walking and talking it feels like she's slipping out of my hands...oh but there it is. She is slipping out of the hands that I hold onto her so tightly with. I hate the balance that a mother needs to walk...your supposed to protect, teach, love, encourage, comfort, discipline and BOND-with open hands. I can only wrap my (swollen due to pregnancy) hands tightly around Jesus. It's not like He said it would be easy.

So this is where I am...just like every other mother that loves her babies more that life. I also feel like we are in the calm before the storm. This time I have some idea of how to prepare for the storm. The storm of labor...breastfeeding an infant every two to three hours (I will not wake that baby at three hours on the dot in the middle of the night this time!) needing so much from a husband who has already given more than he can...how will Presley handle the baby? Will I feel devastated at the time I can't spend with her? Will she feel left out? But just like He has carried me so for...he will carry me, us, again.

There is one last thing...Terry. Terry has been my rock in the last 8 months. My heart breaks for women who don't have a husband they can rely and count on from everything to support with children to finances (assuming the wife is pulling her weight as well!). Countless times of "Can you do this?" "I didn't get a chance to do that". He gets up in the middle of the night with Presley ALL the time. He sleeps on a twin bed on the floor so I can have the queen, he works hard at his job, he cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he picks up Presley, he hugs me and tells me thank-you for carrying this baby. He waits for me to finish babbling on the phone...he cuddles with me (and HE HATES to cuddle) The bible says that he is supposed to love me as christ loves the church...and he does. He has longsuffered with me, and showed patience when I was difficult, and he sacrifices so much of what he wants for me. I adore him more everyday.
Ok...this post was ALL OVER THE PLACE...just like a journal should be :)

29 weeks

I was looking at my journal back in October. Seeing the desires of my heart fullfied with this new baby, and other areas blew me away. I Hope that I am one step closer at trusting God with my life and many steps further away from thinking the worst will always happen.

29 weeks is...lots of braxton and hicks, constant stuffy noses and weird sinus stuff. my body is soooo heavy, but then again, I was this weight about 4 weeks ahead last pregnancy. I am not gaining too much. This time last baby I was already 45 pounds weight gain...because I only lost 35 of the 65 I am trying to be SUPER good. My blood sugar test wasn't good, so I am going to the three our test next week. Diabetes is all over the place in my family and I shouldn't be surprised if I have gestational diabetes with being heavy and being predisposed to it. I hope not though. Major diet changes!

Presley is doing great. She is so awesome. I love our relationship. We have a lot of cuddle time and she is really anxious for this baby to come. I know she doesn't understand a whole lot, but she is really acting out the whole baby thing. I enjoy our "conversations" that we have. Her understanding is just growing with leaps and bounds.

I would say my biggest struggle right now is working...sorry! I don't want to complain...but the doctor keeps putting me out on shorter days, and days of work here and there and I just can't wait to stay home. But I have to finish strong at my job. God has truly moved in my life in the scope of my job and I feel I would be dishonoring Him to give up now. In His grace I need to approach each day. It's just a bummer....I want to sooo badly be home...cleaning, cooking, gardening, organizing. Not only that, we have plans for our family, but ultimately things could change on a dime and I can't put my happiness in anything but HIM.

26 weeks

Today I am 26 1/2 weeks! Little Trent is a very active baby, much more than Presley was. I was blessed with a blissful virtually discomfort free pregnancy the first time around so I never understood what "done being pregnant" meant! I think I have officially joined the ranks of millions of other women out there...but hey! It could be worse so not too much complaining!!!

I am still sleeping pretty well...starting to pee a lot more at night. I have had heartburn since 6 weeks, so that's nothing new. My stomach hurts right around the belly button, I remember this with Presley. I am really tired, way more than Presley. I eat better though this time because I am trying not to gain too much weight (I have a lot of work to do after this baby!!!) Terry is the best...when Presley gets up at night, he goes and sleeps on her floor. I used to be the number one person who would take care of her, but now he does that at night...a huge blessing that I should tell him about everyday!! My gums are receding...that's new.

I just can't wait to hold this baby!! I miss that so much. My prayers for after baby comes is no PPD or baby blues like with Presley, nursing would go smoothly...no SLEEP ISSUES OR TUMMY ISSUES like Presley had...I guess what I am really praying for is one of the "Angel Babies" you hear about but have really never met????

Praise God for the miracle of life and the blessing of family :)

25 weeks is good!

25 weeks...is good! Women's retreat and campaign at work is behind me and they both went awesome. I was getting a ton of braxton and hicks but that has kinda diminished. I notice that when I get super busy I get them. Maybe I am too busy to remember to drink water and pee...who knows.

I see the doctor on Friday and the only thing that is really bugging me right now is a month long sinus thing that affects my nose, throat and face. I keep getting a sore throat that never goes away completely, my face and head hurts and just a lot of, sorry, mucus...I am thinking sinus infection?? Mild if it is, but annoying still.

We have had my in-laws staying with us for about two weeks while my father in law recovers from major sugery. Presley has grown so close to her grandmother and I love it! The computer I am using is really old and takes a while to upload pics...but I will try to put some on here of Pres.

I am grateful for an un-eventful post!

Resting in Jesus this Thursday Morning

What would I do without you Lord??!!!

Do you every have those moments in your life where the beautiful realization hits you like a ton of bricks that in the end...it comes down to two beings: YOU AND GOD. Not your husband, your boss, your enemies, or even your amazing children that have given your life a new meaning.

it is blowing my mind that the love that I have for my daughter that would cause me to easily lay my life down for her...is NOTHING compared to how Jesus loves me. Lately I have feeling his love everywhere I go, and all the time.

All of His blessing, my husband, my daughter, this pregnancy, job etc...are so beutiful and wonderful but there is only ONE thing I can not survive without, Jesus.

So on this Thursday morning...I am resting...yes resting in Jesus.

How's this for honesty??!!

I am increasingly getting to the point in life where I am DONE with everything that does not pertain to Terry and Presley.

I am growing weary of leaving my 21 month old and driving 10 miles to work. And work sucks up every OUNCE of energy I have in this pregnant overweight body! And when I say work...it's really dealing with all the administrative responsibilities...if I could just "be" with my kids at work I think I wouldn't feel this way. But I am preparing for a maternity leave, and one where I don't know if I am coming back, so after 9 years of making my mark I want to make sure that I leave the site organized as possible for those who may take my place.

I also think that there has just been a lot going on between putting our dog down after she mauled and killed the next door neighbors dog to other life experiences like death. Also, our church's women's retreat is coming up in two weeks and I am preparing to share how Christ rescued me from my depths 15 years ago (AND STILL IS!!). Satan is trying to steal the song out of my mouth so that I would have nothing to share that night!!

So I feel like I am treading water and I am getting tired. I just want a raft to come along and I can rest a while. I know that raft is resting in Jesus...but there ARE times in our lives He allows stuff to happen to stretch us, to mold us. But the extremely cliche statement is said often not because it is untrue, but because it is VERY true...He will NOT give us ANYTHING more that we can handle...but maybe it should really be said like this: He will not give us anything more than HE can handle for us.

So...Lord, it's me. You're pathetic, broken and lost child. I know one thing...You are the answer to all that I encounter good and bad. Please go before me in life and prepare my way. Protect me from the one who wants to destroy. Change my black heart that is angry, selfish and in a state of self-pity. Put a song from you in my soul that is untouchable. Please give me grace and wisdom. Forgive me for crying about life, when I haven't even asked for your help. Help me to see everything for what it is...I know you want the best for me. Please rescue me today.

Ultrasound Update

UPDATE**
Sorry...I didn't thank-you for praying!!! Also on another note, the baby was measuring 21 weeks 3 days, and according to before it was 20 weeks today...even though the doctor said they would go with the original dating...I am holding out for the reason I am sooo huge is not the 30 pounds of extra chunk I had before baby...but that I am further along (I know people...it's only a week and a half!!)

Original post:So we had our second ultrasound and they did not find any more markers...so the chances of any problems with chromosomes such as downs syndrome is incredibly unlikely and does not warrent further testing. I want to explain a little more about markers etc... the only way doctors would know for sure about problems like downs syndrome is if they did an amniocentesis which carries risk of fetal death. Basically in our case during a routine ultrasound they found a possible sign or marker of a chromosomal abnormality like down syndrome. Even though it was unlikely that it meant anything, they sent us to a second ultrasound to look for other signs, which they found none. They recommended no amnio (we wouldn't do it anyway) and they said the likely hood of anything resulting from this would be extremely surprising... and the genetics counselor even said that Kaiser is considering changing the standard of informing patients of an Echogenic Focus because they aren't even sure anymore if there is any relation to chromosomal abnormalities in the first place.

Ultimately as a christian, I don't play the game of odds...the odds mean nothing when everything GOOD AND BAD is cleared by my Father in heaven. He said that He causes ALL THINGS to work together for good (you know the verse). He knows the numbers of hairs on my head, his thoughts for me outnumber the grains of sand and he has a plan for my life. A down syndrome baby would NOT be an "oops", it would be a part of the plan. Yes things do "happen" but then didn't happen without God knowing about it, and his approval.

We still don't know for absoulte sure if our son will have downs or not...we will just have to wait this one out until we meet our little man. But we are super excited for this baby and can't wait to meet him! This experience has brought Terry and I closer together, made us more compassionate about families with special needs, and challenged our faith and trust. Because here's the thing: We will never escape the what ifs in our lifetime. We will never escape pain and tragedy. But we can be sure of one thing-Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us, and He is the ultimate source of our peace, joy, happiness and completeness.

Ultrasound News

Anyone who knows me for more than 10 minutes probably knows that I struggle with worry-or trusting God. Throughout ALL of my last pregnancy I worried daily. In the first trimester it was miscarriage, in the second it was preterm labor and in the third it was cord issues. And guess what??? When she came it was SIDS! And every time she leaves my arms and drives away with someone, or I leave her with someone, I consciously kiss her like it may be the last time I see her. What a way to live huh? But just like with you, He is oh so patient with me and he will spend the rest of my life making me more like Him through trials, pain, life lessons etc..

This pregnancy there has been some progess in that area. I now know, it doesn't really pay to worry so much, because what I fear, or the possibility of something going wrong is ALWAYS there. Getting to the second trimester or the third and so on, won't take my worry away. I am more relaxed in this pregnancy. I drink my small morning cup of coffee almost daily, I take tylenol, I take pepcid (I still won't eat those coldcuts though!).

But after going to our routine ultrasound to find out that our baby has a soft marker for Trisomy 18 or Down Syndrome I am surprisingly not freaking out. I think it's because having a "marker" has simply doubled our chances of a normal pregnancy of our baby having one of these problems. We are being sent to a level two ultrasound where they will look for more markers. If they find more (I think three) then they would recomend an amnio. If they find no other markers, it is probably a calcium deposit and we would just have to wait it out.

So...it is what it is. It is comforting to know statistics blah blah blah...but doesn't everything that happens to me passes through the hands of my Father good or bad? Doesn't He give AND take away??? My prayers of late go like this: Father...you can have it all...but if you decide that is what is best...then whatever you do don't let go of me when I walk that hard road after loss, heartache and pain.

So if you are reading this, please pray that by our level 2 ultrasound next week that the spot they found on this baby's heart will disapper. But ultimately that God's will, will happen and we will be OK with it.

This and that...

Saw the Doctor yesterday and I heard the precious heartbeat for the first time. I didn't hear it at the 12 week visit because I was spoiled and got to see the baby instead. So when I heard the heartbeat I was really taken back. I am not pregnant with fat. It really is a baby in there with a beating heart and everything!

She was a bit concerned about the Vertigo that has not gone away. She said that at the next visit if it has not subsided they would send me to a specialist. I have actually gotten quite used to it. NO sudden movements and I seem to be okay. I still have to hold onto things to walk a few times throughout the day. Its not the same feeling as getting up to fast. It's more about the room spinning and you feel like your falling.

Puked up my dinner last night...but it was kinda my fault. To say the least it has been a BUSY week. So when I came home at 6:45 after a long day it seemed just fine to devour tortilla chips and chili. What an idiot.

Davese came over last night to simply give Presley hugs and kisses. Presley loves her so much. As a mom, nothing like knowing other people love your kid.

Terry is super husband and Dad. Worked a long week and unfortunately got some sad news last night that a high school friend died in a car crash. A reminder that we are not promised another day even a moment....

Things are good...but Terry and I need some, Terry and I time. Hoping to slow down for the weekend and maybe have my parents watch Presley for an evening and go on a date.

That is our lives this week in a nutshell!

Every pregnant woman knows about how dreams change in pregnancy....I have had a couple crazy ones. I wanted to "write down" the one I had last night so I can look back on it for years to come.

A scattered dream that was all over the place but the bottom line was I had two children already. At one point one was 4 and one was around 2. Then all of sudden the 2 year old was as tall as the 4 year old with no toddler characteristics at all. In my dream I was distinctly devastated that I had missed all that growing up. I even tried to hold her like a baby and she wouldn't let me.

I woke up so happy that Presley was only 20 months and I was still pregnant.

Somewhere inside of me I must be sad at how time is flying...whatever it means either a reminder or a reflection but in about 5 minutes I am going to go get my baby/toddler out of her CRIB and enjoy every ounce of her chubby baby/toddler frame, kisses, hugs, gibberish and giggles.

I have a lot of beautiful pictures from this day. I know this one is fuzzy, but it captures Presley.

I love her...

Another good reason to work at my marriage

Two days ago, a little girl, who I have known for years, stood in front of me sobbing. She was sobbing because she couldn't hold it in any longer. She was overwhelmed with deadlines for school work, home life and life in general. Her parents are headed for divorce and she is very aware of her unstable environment.

It shook me. It's not that I have not dealt with this. I have dealt with much worse in my 9 years of school age daycare. What is different is that I have now known these families for so long, I have seen many of there second children follow their first through the center. I have watched their families over a 6 year span, specifically at this center. And in this case, watched the decline. I have first hand seen a stable, well adjusted child fall apart because of whats going on at home.

In the middle of the conversation with this child Terry calls.

"Hi babe. Just wanted to let you know I am on my way home. I love you."

I hang up and altogether at once in my head I was:

1. Utterly grateful that I enjoy life with Terry
2. Completely thankful that God manages our marriage
3. Committed to doing WHATEVER it takes to be married at 60....even if he were to not be.
4. That if I were to throw in the towel...I would be changing my children's lives forever because divorce and fighting in the home affects children.

Terry and I have been through a lot over the last 10 years. We have had some really disgusting times in terms of how we treated each other. Many seasons that brought on growth and change. But the latest one during our marriage for me was 4 months after Presley was born. I remember the scene perfectly. I was getting ready to go back to work and I was scared and overwhelmed. We had just bought our house. I cried out to the Lord saying how can I do this? How can our marriage whether such stress? Middle of the night feedings, full time work where I am on call day and night? I stood in the kitchen and Terry and I fought about dishes (source of many past fights...I am messy he is clean). He walked out the door and I clearly remember me crying out to the Lord I CAN"T DO THIS!!! And the Lord simply said inside my heart....serve Me.

In marriage, you live with another person. The whole relationship in many ways must be like a positive team that works together for the end goal. Our goal is to 1) stay married! but ultimately please God. But when we "serve" our spouses, as each one should the other, it really is serving the Lord. It is for the Lord. So when we are upset with the other, and we have met the end or our rope for that person, we can keep going because the things we do for the spouse, or the sake of the marriage, its's all for the Lord. And...the kicker, is He is our strength in our very weakness. When I am "done" being married. When I am "done" doing whatever it is in life that is overwhelming, in Him we find rest and peace for our weary souls. He miraculously fills us up and we can give more.

Right now...we are in a sweet, calm spot. We are like butter in our daily grind. He helps me, I help him, we are very motivated to do what it takes while we await this new baby and enjoy the one we have! But dark will come again, when life happens. The battle will continue all our lives. Keeping Jesus number one in our lives is our ONLY chance.

So....after that really long post...my point is that when this incident happened with the little girl, I was grateful for the marriage I have. But even more than that, grateful for the One who is my Shepard, my Helper, my Father, my Savior and my very present help in times of trouble.

Its ok

After two full days back at work following a 6 week leave, I am tired. Even though I am well out of the 1st trimester, I really don't feel like it. Still puky. I don't think I should be this tired because I go to bed before 10 and granted I wake up anywhere from 2 to 5 times at night. I wake up either to pee or Presley wakes up. Last night I woke up with some cramping that kept me up for about an hour and a half. So this morning Presley is next to me with some Cheerios and milk and I am a zombie. But thats ok. It's ok because I have a little growing baby in my tummy, and an adorable 19 month old toddler who makes my world go round. Its ok because I am married to a husband who completes me.
Its more than ok.