FEAR

Here it is again...a heart stopping fear that something will happen to my precious little baby.
This is NOT the way that Christ intends for us to live...in bondage to the concerns of living on earth.
I do know that in the event of something devastating, that He will be there to hold me, to sustain me, never leaving me. Joy would be restored, life would go on, beauty would come from the ashes...
It is very true that the ONE thing I NEED to survive while I live, I will never lose. That He will never leave us, that He causes all things to work together for good, that he give gladness for mourning...the promise is NOT that nothing bad will happen.
I am ashamed to admit-this Christ Follower is NOT believing the words of her Savior, So today, I place all that at His feet...and trust all that He says He is.

Update on kiddos

Presley will be 2 1/2 on November 21st. Wow...our little precious baby girl is certainly growing up. She is awesome. She is FULL of personality. She loves music, princess stuff, dresses, make-up...but she also loves to get dirty. She is a messy eater. She likes to do crafts at the table. Sometimes if I have left a cooking show on, I will walk in the living room, and catch her with her feet propped up, lounging on her kid chair watching the show! She does know what she wants and while Terry and I can usually easily wrangle her in, she definitely would happily be the boss in this house if we let her. She is getting better at playing with other kids, sharing her toys and the give and take. She sometimes struggles when other kids don't want to play what she wants, hug her, or hold her hand because she is such a cuddle bug. It's a good lesson to learn that you can't control others! But I love watching her grown inside and out. I am so proud of her!

Trent is 4 months on November 4th. Another WOW. I don't really want to relive how difficult things were from week 2 to 5, but lets just say...that time brought me to bloody knees before Jesus, and as hard as it was, I am thankful for the growth it did in me. Trent is THRIVING! 17.9 pounds, he is in the 96%. He is breastfed, all for one ounce of formula at night before I nurse, so he can take a bottle (which...doesn't really work because he will only take it from me!!). He is a greaaaat sleeper in the sense that I can almost always put him down awake but drowsy and he will put himself to sleep. He wakes up at night around 5-7 hours later to eat but stirs a lot throughout the nigt. Same with daytime. Could still be the reflux or just him. He is a HAPPY baby. This is why I can't wait to put him in his own room (he will share the office with Terry). Only cries when tired, bored or hungry. He is my little cuddle bug too! He smiles all the time. I started him on rice cereal (per doctor) a week and a half before the 4 month mark. The Doctor hopes it will help with the spit up issue...but I think it will help with his hunger issue (he is huge remember??) I was eating a sandwich today and he started crying with big huge tears...I swear it was because he wanted my sandwich!

Terry and I are adjusting well to having two. I don't always appreciate how hard he works, because I am so caught up in how hard I am working with the two kids. I know this is not the best thing...so I am praying and working on that! Also, I feel that for myself, a daily devotional and time praying is really important. I see myself frustrated more that I would like, and when I start the day off praying...it's almost always a million times better.

One thing that I am seeing is that it's not so much that I have to carve out time for me, as much as I have to rely on the Lord for my joy. I love my kids, I love my husband, I love being home...but without Jesus, for me, it's not enough. What I mean by this is that Terry and I won't always get along, the kids will have their days, but Jesus will never fail. This is what I want to impart to my kids...people are people and they will fail them, including me, but when we put our trust in someone that is consistent, perfect and loves us...that is a sure bet.

Anyway...that is the latest update for the Lu's :)

My name is Trent

My name is Trenton but my parents call me Trent. In the beginning I fooled my Mommy and Daddy...I slept all the time. When I was 9 days old I woke up to the world and my tummy started hurting me. I would throw up all the time. My silly mommy didn't know she had enough milk to feed all of southern California and was giving me half of it, so the throwing up got better when she found that out and started feeding me on one booby at a time and only for a few minutes. I have to take really gross medicine so my throat doesn't burn. I used to cry all the time. I would be up all night long screaming. I don't think I knew what I needed. I would grunt and cry all night. My mom starting sleeping with me over her shoulder in the recliner all night long and that helped. During the day time I would cry most of the day and could only sleep rocking in a swing. I love being swaddle still, but am almost getting too big for it. Well around 4 weeks old things got a bit better...5 even better. I still kinda hate the carseat and car rides, I like my bath now. I am going to be 8 weeks on Saturday and I just started sleeping in my bassinet with little difficulty at night. I still struggle during the day though, and throw up alot still too. I really do love being held but for some reason my mommy and daddy keep trying to put me down...something about not getting used to only being held to sleep.

I am really big...I weigh over 12 pounds. My sister can't get enough of me. She kisses me, wipes the spit up off my face, pats my back and worries about me. Sometimes she hugs me too hard. Every time I hear her playing I wake up if I am sleeping.

I eat every 2 hours during the day and at night every 2 to 3. A few times I have gone more than three times but not if I can help it! My mom keeps talking about around 3 months she will start stretching me out...whatever that means...and she said she's not afraid to let me cry it out a bit. Uh Oh...

My Dad and Mom love me a lot...especially when I smile at them. I have lots of people who love me, most of all Jesus. He has helped our family so much in this precious but difficult time for all of us!

One month in two days

My last blog post was 4 weeks ago. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED. Trent was born on July 4 and 5:12 in the morning. The coolest thing about his birthday is that he shares it with our Pastor, who has been a second father to me. Of course, fourth of July is cool too.

WOW. Well??? I completely underestimated how hard it is with TWO. Trent in the first 8 days was ANGEL BABY. Slept all the time. I remember our neighbor jokingly saying to me, careful they fool you for the first two weeks (she has three). First of all after labor I was great until I couldn't stop bleeding. That threw me a bit, never been so weak in my life. When we got home I got a UTI which was frustrating. But the hardest part has been, once my milk came in and got established around the 8the day or so...Trent took a turn for the COLICKY behavior of sorts. After three times to the doctor, and visits to lactation nurses...we have found ourselves at the exact same place with our daughter. A reflux baby with a mommy that has an overactive letdown and WAY TOO MUCH MILK (a good delima I know) equals super gassy baby with reflux. Thank-God we got this under somewhat control sometime this past week because we knew what we were dealing with. Now I only feed from one side at every feeding and Trent is on a high dose of zantac. He now goes in a swing, the bouncy seat and is muh more comfortable. Thank the Lord for all who were praying.

One thing I did not expect was to be so blue again. I thought that me being a second time mom, I would not be so overwhelmed like I was with the first, that I wouldn't have the emotional hormonal upset I had like I did with Presley. But I did, and I am. BUT that is more that ok. God is once again painfully teaching me that HE IS MY ROCK. I believe he lead me to this scripture this morning:

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

When the Devil is at our "door step" waiting for the moment to pounce on us...as Christians we must remember our promise from God. These exact words are what I needed to hear and God knew it. I have grown more closer to my husband in appreciation and gratitude than ever before. My mother and I have had healing in our relationship as well. So much good has come out of it already. I know that just like with Presley, the blues and the difficult stage of newborn baby will pass. In a few weeks, I will be looking back at this time that is one of the hardest in my life with a bigger sense of who God is. I have so much to praise God for on top of just the fact that he IS. And I do.

Thank-you Lord for your unfailing love. Your faithfulness I cling to. I can not live without you as the most important thing in my life. We are so low, so helpless but you are so gracious, merciful and kind. Thank-you for protecting us from the devourer.

Due in Three Days

So this is what it's like, the countdown of waiting for a new baby. It's way different than Presley. I don't remember anything other than a strong desire to hold Presley, never a desire for the discomfort to be over. Probably becuase there wasn't any. I never had contractions that would lead to anything, no bloody show, no mucus plug, no cramping. On the Saturday one day after my due date I felt tired. The next early morning my water broke and then they induced me and I had a hellish labor (in my opinion...and that's the only one that counts, right??!!).

So this discomfort and frustation with still being pregnant...is new. Walking around at 3cm dialated and 75% effaced, with hands that can't make a fist not just due to swelling, but actual pain with carpal tunel is new. With feet that have plantar fascitis, and a many other plethera of pregnancy symptoms I won't bore even myself with. I keep having regular contractions for a couple hours, just to turn into light cramping and more bloody show. All the while caring for my adorable toddler (who just came out crying to show me her new pajamas with her artwork with a ball point pen all over the front). Where the heck did she get that pen from???!!!

If we are just talking pregnancies, I feel with this baby I have joined the ranks of all the other women who at this point just want the baby out (ofcourse still scared of labor though). I didn't understand with the first, but now I do. So if you are by chance reading this and my first perfect pregnancy made you feel less then for hating yours...I am so sorry. But take comfort in knowing that...I am now experiencing the cliche saying "paybacks are a _____".

So sarcasm aside...I can't wait to meet this little guy. I can't wait to see if Presley is enamored with Trent, or asks me to put him back in my belly. I can't wait to hold Presley from the front again an give her huge hugs. I can't wait to see Trent held by his amazing Daddy. I can't wait to see what our family picture looks like with four. I can't wait for the next chapter that God has for us.

All in all....it is DEFINITLEY worth the weight.

Patience...

I am patiently waiting for our new baby to come. I am feeling so blessed. Blessed by the Lord that He would give me Terry as a husband and Presley as a daughter and a new baby to join our family!

According to our last appointment...not even close. But we moms all know that doesn't really mean anything. I walked around dialated, completely effacted, station blah blah blah...for how long with Presley???!! So I will continue to prepare, rest and spend time with Presley...on another note, I LOVE BEING HOME!!! I love my job being taking care of home and Presley.

Lastly, a few pregnancy things...I am pleased with the weight gain. I gained 65 with Presley and lost only 30 or so in between. I started very heavy with this baby and I think I will come out under 25. I am SO excited to be able to walk without severe pain in my feet and constant contractions!!! But I will take the weight loss slow...the last thing I need is to lose milk supply or aggravate my hip flexor injury from long ago. I have to remember that I am WAY out of shape and it will be a long road back to the healthy Kathleen of 3 years ago.

I attached a picture Terry snapped yesterday of Presley and I in matching Green Bay hats that Terry got us, and Presley "loving" the baby.

Due in 2 and half weeks...we'll see(by the way, most annoying pregnancy symptoms right now....super swollen hands. In the morning, if I make a fist, some of my fingers have to be "popped" back in to place!)

Happy Birthday Presley

Today you turned two. You woke up, talking in your crib to your babies that sleep with you. You didn't cry for us to come get you, you woke up like a toddler and not a baby. You asked me to pick you up,only for you to ask me to put you back down on the outside of the crib, so that you could run and play, not to be held and kissed by me. You then said you did not want a bagel, but cereal with milk. You climbed up into your chair and waited. You are no longer the little baby that I held in my arms. You are your own person with your own desires and ideas. You want me close so that if you need me I am there, but not so close so that you can explore your world. When I came home today, you didn't run to hug me, you stopped to talk to me, telling me what you did. When Daddy was putting your car together for you, all you wanted to do was help...you were so frustrated when Daddy asked you to sit on the carpet so he could finish, you were sure that you knew how to do it yourself. At night, though, you still cuddle with me in Mommy and Daddy's bed. You lay your head on my cheek and we watch bizarre toddler shows like Yo Gabba Gabba. I tried to rock you...but my belly was too big with your baby brother in it. You were frustrated, and so was I. I just wanted to rock you too sleep, and you wanted me to rock you as well. I read you The Bear Snores On...I loved it because with Mommy working with kids during the day...you often haven't seen the animated kid side of me that can really engage you when I read. You stared at me with your mouth open as if you were saying "you have been able to read a story like that this whole time??!!" I was excited for the time we will have together when I am home. You asked me to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, rub your back, get your babies and pray. You say that Jesus lives in your heart, and when I ask you how old you are, you say two. You adore your Daddy...just like I hoped you would...and you're Daddy, well, adore doesn't come close to how he feels for you. You are more of a blessing than I ever imagined. You fill my heart with a joy that I never new before having you. God planned for me to be your Mommy, and He planned for you to be my daughter. His ways are perfect, He ALWAYS knows what he is doing, we stay close to Him, because we are like little silly sheep, and He is our good patient, caring, loving Shepard. He made you for a purpose, he designed you in a specific way so that He would be glorified, because when He is glorified it is ALWAYS a good thing for us. I know that I am not perfect, and I will fail you many times in your life even though, with all my heart, that is not what I want to do. I will teach you right ways, and unfortunately I will also teach you wrong ones. But most of all, I pray that you will know that even though I and your father and everything you count worthy of putting trust in, in your life WILL fail you, Jesus will NEVER fail you. He will always be there for you, in all your moments in life. Your Life will not be easy, but don't desire it to be easy. It's not the road that will get you to the place you truly want to end up. Your life will be full of all sorts of times...through all of them look to Jesus. I love you Presley.